The New Love In Our Lives

Introducing the newest member of our family:

Loki

Monster is soooooo happy. They play together all day. He has a new best friend <3

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

I received a very very unexpected message on Facebook from someone I never thought I would hear from again.

Krystal. 

Yes that Krystal. The one I wrote a letter to last year here. The one who ruined me and made me stronger at the same time. The one that I was fine never speaking to again.

She wrote me a message on Facebook to let me know that she is sorry for "what it's worth" that she had to "get it off her chest."

She might really mean those words. Because trust me, she has every f*cking reason to be sorry. She tried to ruin a marriage. She legitimately tried to break up a family. She threatened me and our son {who was 9 months old at the time} because Ethan wouldn't come back to her. She stalked us. She spread disease over our life (literally and metaphorically) and that just can't be forgotten.

Perhaps she finally has a grasp on just what exactly she did. Maybe she's going through the same thing she put me through {karma is a bitch after all} and she understands now how horrible she was. Maybe she has had some serious counselling and this is part of her own healing process.

I'm not sure her reasons for apologizing, and while it is appreciated just because it's nice to know that she recognizes she was a skanky excuse for a human being at that time, I can't help but feel like it's not sincere. If she was truly sorry where was this apology 3 years ago?? Or maybe a year ago when we came across each other between our mutual friends? I mean Facebook is a super teeny tiny world. It's not like she couldn't just look me up any time she felt guilty.

So Why now? Why does she want to mend bridges now? And why would she think she even could?

I've moved on. I can't see myself ever becoming her friend, or even pretending to be. I want nothing more to do with that part of our past. I am a completely different person now. I've grown up. I am a woman, not a lost little girl.

I am at war with myself whether or not to even reply back to her. I don't want to open that can of worms. I have been perfectly happy pretending she doesn't exist for the past 3 years. At the same time though, I would like to tell her that the apology is appreciated but that I just can't forget the things she did and that I have no intention of carrying on any time of forced friendship or whatever it is she wants from me. I don't think I can ever forgive her fully, I just keep moving farther and farther from the past.

"I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round." 


"Cause if  it wasn't for all that you tried to do I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. Makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter."

This Is Gonna Take Some Getting Used To

I really like it here in Cali - or SoCal as I've been told to call it. I honestly do. It seems really laid back here for the most part. The people here aren't as friendly as I'm used to back in Texas or even North Carolina, but I kind of got used to that living in Florida. It's not that they aren't friendly, but when I say hello to someone in the store I get completely ignored. In Texas you always say hello (or howdy) back. I mean it's just common courtesy. But on to another point before I bring drama to my newly {re-opening?} of my blog.

Anyways it's nice here. The weather isn't too awful. The scenery is gorgeous.

BUT it's still going to take some getting used to.

I'm used to small town Florida, and before that small town North Carolina. I-5 scares me. People drive so fast here! Like we were doing about 15 mph over and were still getting passed like we were old grandparents.

There's no space between towns either. I noticed that today as we took a drive up a little past Irvine. With the exception of the 18 or so miles of highway that goes past Camp Pendleton, there is literally town after town. You don't have a chance to breathe before you're right back in another city.

It seems like everything here is more expensive as well. I mean I was warned about that, but seeing it in person is a real eye opener. Leave it to us to buy a brand new truck and then get to California and cringe at $3.67 a gallon. Good job us!!

I guess I'm experiencing a bit of culture shock. I have a feeling that after 4 years when we move again I'll be thinking how po-dunk any other state is. There's definitely never a short of things to do around here.

Back At It Again

So here I am again. The blogging bug has bitten me and I can't seem to shake it. Things are starting to settle down again and I really have this need to just put my thoughts out to the universe and anyone who still would read this blog. 

Things have changed. I have changed. 

My last post on here was in August. We lived in Florida. Ethan was still going through EOD School. I was sad and lonely. I was having a hard time coping with PCOS and I couldn't come to terms with some of the issues that stemmed from my diagnosis. 

Here it is, the 12th day of 2012, and I'm happy to say that those days are behind me. Ethan has graduated school. He is an EOD Tech now :-)  We moved clear across the country from paradise in Florida to sunny Southern California. The new year really is a brand new start for us, and I'm so ready to see what amazing-ness 2012 will hold. 

Most importantly (because this is my blog after all) I am much happier with myself. I have learned to deal with my PCOS and I refuse to let it run my life. Since my diagnosis I am learning to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm losing weight and I'm feeling great. I have really fallen in love with Zumba. Ethan even loves it! After the beginning of the weight loss I also chopped 14 inches off of my hair so I'm definitely ready for this fresh new start in California. 

From the time we got to FL to our last month

At the moment I am sitting on our poor torn up couch, with tons of brown cardboard boxes containing most of our life surrounding me. Right now we are dealing with a pretty bad move experience. A lot of our stuff has been damaged, completely broken, or lost, so that's not fun. But we are loving our new house (on base) and the area. I'm looking forward to our exploring adventures to come, and then of course the blog posts that will follow. :-)

T.T.F.N.

So for most of the people who have followed me for a while you have noticed that I haven't really been blogging at all. Actually I haven't posted in 3 1/2 weeks. In fact most of the people who did follow me haven't really been reading this in a while, which of course I don't blame you. If I can't be bothered to write, then why would I expect you to be bothered to read anything.

Anyways things have been really well. My Scentsy business is flourishing. I have added two new members to my team this month alone. Aiden is growing up super fast. He's got this attitude now that is cute and irritating at the same time. The boy always thinks he's right! I wonder where he got that from...   Mine and Ethan's relationship hasn't been this amazing since we were first learning about each other as teenagers. I have Florida to thank for that. We aren't stuck in North Carolina with everyone knowing our past and thinking that they know our future. I am dealing with my PCOS as best as I can. I have lost 11 pounds in the past month and a half and I am determined to keep going. I've gotta look my best for the Marine Corps Ball!

It's been a bittersweet few months. I have two brand new nieces born in June and August. My other niece's 1st birthday is today. I love these little girls so much and at the same time my heart hurts a little that this was the month Ethan and I were supposed to be trying for our own new baby. Obviously that's not happening anymore.

I keep a smile on my face as much as I can. Although there are days when I just want to curl up in bed and cry for days. Sometimes my smile isn't as bright and on the inside I am weeping.

It has become a chore to try to get on here and write something interesting or funny. I feel like when I write anymore it's just about how sad I am. I have to write about it because I can't show it on the outside, and I have to have release somehow. Otherwise I will just crawl inside myself and become the hermit I used to be. And we all know what happened last time I did that...

I am still keeping this blog, but I am going to keep it private for a while. I just need to get things out there without clogging up the Dashboard or people's thoughts with my lonely vibes. Maybe once I can get all of this negative energy out I'll be able to bounce back. I've had the Young But Not Completely Dumb Wordpress account for a while. Maybe I'll switch over to that once I'm feeling better since Blogger has been getting on my nerves the past few months. Anyone who has switched, send me an e-mail if you like Wordpress better.

So for now I am saying goodbye to everyone. The blogging community has been an amazing support system and I'd like to say that I've made quite a few "friends" out there that I hope I don't lose complete touch with. Thank you everyone who has been there to support me and make me smile over the past year.

T.T.F.N - Ta Ta For Now

If you still want to stay in touch there's always Facebook. :-D

My Own PCOS Journey...

It has been 8 weeks since I was diagnosed with PCOS. It has been a hard pill to swallow. There have been tears. There has been anger. There have been sleepless nights and depressed sleep-ins. There has been denial. There has been guilt.

I have been forced to realize that my body isn't like other "normal" people anymore. I am going to be taking some form of pills, whether prescription drugs or natural medicines, for the rest of my life. I have completely changed my diet to organic/gluten-free/low glycemic and I am always conscious of what I put in my body now. I have come to terms with the fact that if I don't take care of my body much more serious things can happen because of PCOS. I am a lucky woman just to have my Aiden Monster, and I want to make sure that I stay healthy enough to be there for him for as long as I can.

In 8 weeks I have lost twelve pounds, just from taking my meds and eating differently. It's still a struggle to live this way, but each day it gets easier. I'm mostly past my terrible craving stage. Now it's much easier to see my best friend gobble down some milk and Oreos at midnight without my mouth watering and my teeth aching to join in. Ethan and I joined our local YMCA and of course the day after we got the membership I went and sprained my ankle doing Zumba {go me!} sooooo I haven't been able to truly work out yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

For me at least, it's easier to stay on track with a great support system keeping me on track. So I have decided to join the Soul Cyster Weight Loss Challenge, created by Mrs. O. I'm really excited to "meet" the other contestants and to get some much needed help with coping with PCOS. The contest runs from August 1st to October 30th, so it should also get me into shape just before Ball season. I plan on being able to hold my head up high and be proud of myself at this year's Marine Corps Ball.

So wish me luck! Send me love and support vibes! And if you join the SCWLC let me know!!

This is me finding my way through the darkness. I will succeed, and I will be happy. After all, happy girls are pretty girls ♥




{no name because I'm lazy}

I'm restless.

There I've said it.

I need a change in my life, and I'm not sure what that change could be. I am really loving our life in Florida right now. Ethan is doing really well in EOD school *knocks on wood* {Yes I'm superstitious cautious.} He seems to be really loving it as well, although now he's getting into the for real nitty gritty serious part of school so he comes home with a slightly blank stare in his eye, and a little bit of smoke coming out of his ears from the brain frying during the day.

Aiden is becoming more and more independent every day. He is his own little opinionated person, and although it is slightly frustrating, I have to admit it is a blessing. He likes to do his own thing. He likes to play in his room alone. And dear God does that boy have an imagination! It surprises me every day the things that he can come up with. He does have his meltdowns and we are definitely entering into the bossy/bratty three-year-old stage, but I still love him. Of course, I always will.

I'm even happy. Inside (for the most part) and out. I'm staying busy, I have a great group of friends here that are helping to keep me sane, even if they don't know it. I love our house. I love the town we live in. I love the fact that it is technically a small town, but we're 5 minutes from the "city" with all that comes along with it. I love the weather, although I complain about it constantly. I love the white sandy beaches and the pristine water. I find myself smiling all of the time. I love my job. I love my family. I love it all.

....And yet I find myself yearning for something more. Something inside myself that needs to either be filled, or set free. Anyone reading this who knew me in North Carolina might even be surprised at the way I am now because of how I was in that place. Perhaps even my readers who have stuck around since the beginning - maybe you've noticed the subtle change in me. I was a shy, quiet, lonely girl. I didn't stand up for myself the way I should have. I let people walk all over me. I kept to myself and I saw and experienced things I would never wish on anyone {except perhaps that one girl...}

North Carolina, or more specifically Cherry Point, broke something inside of me. I will never be the same, but just in the 4 months that we have lived in Florida I have changed. I've grown. I've opened myself up. I'm learning to trust. I'm allowing myself to have fun without trying to be someone I'm not.

Florida has begun to heal that brokenness inside of me. I can breathe a little easier here. Maybe it's because no one knows my business here. No one looks at me and thinks God how could she live with herself after what he did to her? or She must be either be desperate or has no respect for herself to stay with him. Because that's how I feel people felt about me. Maybe they still do, but I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. Those people don't know the real me. I didn't even know the real me, but I'm beginning to learn things about myself that I never knew.

I still feel fat and disgusting. I still feel unattractive and manly. I still have a lot to work on, but I am beginning to like the woman that is emerging into the light. I have my bad days, more so than perhaps some of my friends, but I try to keep ahead of the darkness. Then again maybe a little darkness would keep me balanced. Who knows. Now I'm rambling so I'll sign off for now.

Maybe this is what I need from time to time. A quiet spot in the house in the middle of the night to create. I love writing and I haven't done it for so long. I'm hoping that this is the part of me that needs to be set free. May be I just need to let my thought out and let my voice be heard.

So I send these random, perhaps useless thoughts out into the vast Internet universe. Maybe someone out there will understand what I'm going through.