T.T.F.N.

So for most of the people who have followed me for a while you have noticed that I haven't really been blogging at all. Actually I haven't posted in 3 1/2 weeks. In fact most of the people who did follow me haven't really been reading this in a while, which of course I don't blame you. If I can't be bothered to write, then why would I expect you to be bothered to read anything.

Anyways things have been really well. My Scentsy business is flourishing. I have added two new members to my team this month alone. Aiden is growing up super fast. He's got this attitude now that is cute and irritating at the same time. The boy always thinks he's right! I wonder where he got that from...   Mine and Ethan's relationship hasn't been this amazing since we were first learning about each other as teenagers. I have Florida to thank for that. We aren't stuck in North Carolina with everyone knowing our past and thinking that they know our future. I am dealing with my PCOS as best as I can. I have lost 11 pounds in the past month and a half and I am determined to keep going. I've gotta look my best for the Marine Corps Ball!

It's been a bittersweet few months. I have two brand new nieces born in June and August. My other niece's 1st birthday is today. I love these little girls so much and at the same time my heart hurts a little that this was the month Ethan and I were supposed to be trying for our own new baby. Obviously that's not happening anymore.

I keep a smile on my face as much as I can. Although there are days when I just want to curl up in bed and cry for days. Sometimes my smile isn't as bright and on the inside I am weeping.

It has become a chore to try to get on here and write something interesting or funny. I feel like when I write anymore it's just about how sad I am. I have to write about it because I can't show it on the outside, and I have to have release somehow. Otherwise I will just crawl inside myself and become the hermit I used to be. And we all know what happened last time I did that...

I am still keeping this blog, but I am going to keep it private for a while. I just need to get things out there without clogging up the Dashboard or people's thoughts with my lonely vibes. Maybe once I can get all of this negative energy out I'll be able to bounce back. I've had the Young But Not Completely Dumb Wordpress account for a while. Maybe I'll switch over to that once I'm feeling better since Blogger has been getting on my nerves the past few months. Anyone who has switched, send me an e-mail if you like Wordpress better.

So for now I am saying goodbye to everyone. The blogging community has been an amazing support system and I'd like to say that I've made quite a few "friends" out there that I hope I don't lose complete touch with. Thank you everyone who has been there to support me and make me smile over the past year.

T.T.F.N - Ta Ta For Now

If you still want to stay in touch there's always Facebook. :-D

My Own PCOS Journey...

It has been 8 weeks since I was diagnosed with PCOS. It has been a hard pill to swallow. There have been tears. There has been anger. There have been sleepless nights and depressed sleep-ins. There has been denial. There has been guilt.

I have been forced to realize that my body isn't like other "normal" people anymore. I am going to be taking some form of pills, whether prescription drugs or natural medicines, for the rest of my life. I have completely changed my diet to organic/gluten-free/low glycemic and I am always conscious of what I put in my body now. I have come to terms with the fact that if I don't take care of my body much more serious things can happen because of PCOS. I am a lucky woman just to have my Aiden Monster, and I want to make sure that I stay healthy enough to be there for him for as long as I can.

In 8 weeks I have lost twelve pounds, just from taking my meds and eating differently. It's still a struggle to live this way, but each day it gets easier. I'm mostly past my terrible craving stage. Now it's much easier to see my best friend gobble down some milk and Oreos at midnight without my mouth watering and my teeth aching to join in. Ethan and I joined our local YMCA and of course the day after we got the membership I went and sprained my ankle doing Zumba {go me!} sooooo I haven't been able to truly work out yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

For me at least, it's easier to stay on track with a great support system keeping me on track. So I have decided to join the Soul Cyster Weight Loss Challenge, created by Mrs. O. I'm really excited to "meet" the other contestants and to get some much needed help with coping with PCOS. The contest runs from August 1st to October 30th, so it should also get me into shape just before Ball season. I plan on being able to hold my head up high and be proud of myself at this year's Marine Corps Ball.

So wish me luck! Send me love and support vibes! And if you join the SCWLC let me know!!

This is me finding my way through the darkness. I will succeed, and I will be happy. After all, happy girls are pretty girls ♥




{no name because I'm lazy}

I'm restless.

There I've said it.

I need a change in my life, and I'm not sure what that change could be. I am really loving our life in Florida right now. Ethan is doing really well in EOD school *knocks on wood* {Yes I'm superstitious cautious.} He seems to be really loving it as well, although now he's getting into the for real nitty gritty serious part of school so he comes home with a slightly blank stare in his eye, and a little bit of smoke coming out of his ears from the brain frying during the day.

Aiden is becoming more and more independent every day. He is his own little opinionated person, and although it is slightly frustrating, I have to admit it is a blessing. He likes to do his own thing. He likes to play in his room alone. And dear God does that boy have an imagination! It surprises me every day the things that he can come up with. He does have his meltdowns and we are definitely entering into the bossy/bratty three-year-old stage, but I still love him. Of course, I always will.

I'm even happy. Inside (for the most part) and out. I'm staying busy, I have a great group of friends here that are helping to keep me sane, even if they don't know it. I love our house. I love the town we live in. I love the fact that it is technically a small town, but we're 5 minutes from the "city" with all that comes along with it. I love the weather, although I complain about it constantly. I love the white sandy beaches and the pristine water. I find myself smiling all of the time. I love my job. I love my family. I love it all.

....And yet I find myself yearning for something more. Something inside myself that needs to either be filled, or set free. Anyone reading this who knew me in North Carolina might even be surprised at the way I am now because of how I was in that place. Perhaps even my readers who have stuck around since the beginning - maybe you've noticed the subtle change in me. I was a shy, quiet, lonely girl. I didn't stand up for myself the way I should have. I let people walk all over me. I kept to myself and I saw and experienced things I would never wish on anyone {except perhaps that one girl...}

North Carolina, or more specifically Cherry Point, broke something inside of me. I will never be the same, but just in the 4 months that we have lived in Florida I have changed. I've grown. I've opened myself up. I'm learning to trust. I'm allowing myself to have fun without trying to be someone I'm not.

Florida has begun to heal that brokenness inside of me. I can breathe a little easier here. Maybe it's because no one knows my business here. No one looks at me and thinks God how could she live with herself after what he did to her? or She must be either be desperate or has no respect for herself to stay with him. Because that's how I feel people felt about me. Maybe they still do, but I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. Those people don't know the real me. I didn't even know the real me, but I'm beginning to learn things about myself that I never knew.

I still feel fat and disgusting. I still feel unattractive and manly. I still have a lot to work on, but I am beginning to like the woman that is emerging into the light. I have my bad days, more so than perhaps some of my friends, but I try to keep ahead of the darkness. Then again maybe a little darkness would keep me balanced. Who knows. Now I'm rambling so I'll sign off for now.

Maybe this is what I need from time to time. A quiet spot in the house in the middle of the night to create. I love writing and I haven't done it for so long. I'm hoping that this is the part of me that needs to be set free. May be I just need to let my thought out and let my voice be heard.

So I send these random, perhaps useless thoughts out into the vast Internet universe. Maybe someone out there will understand what I'm going through.

We're Grrrrrrreat!!

So Ethan and I pretty much took a week away from the computers and we all just spent time as a family. It was so nice to spend time together as a family, especially because it seems like the further into EOD school he gets, the less time we actually get to spend together. He's so tired when he comes home we literally eat dinner, watch an hour of TV, put Aiden to bed, and then he's done for the night. The 4th of July long weekend, his 3 day week, and then another weekend was just the perfect amount of time for us to reconnect. We literally spent Saturday and yesterday at home, in our pj's, vegging out in front of the TV. We got ourselves addicted to The Unit. I have no idea how we'd never seen it before, but both of us are hooked.

I'm finding that we watch a lot more TV since he's been in school. I think it's because it's much easier and relaxing to just turn on the TV than to run around town all evening. I don't particularly like that Aiden is watching more TV than he used to, but I'm not going to fight with Ethan over it while he's got his mind preoccupied with all things explosive. When he graduates in a few months and we get stationed somewhere new things will definitely change. Until then I can just grin and bear it.

 I don't know how to schedule a post while I'm gone {although I'm sure it is super easy} so I will be posting a lot over the next few days. I hope that you can bear with me while I add the days I've missed over two or three days so that I can catch up.

Learning To Deal

I'm still having a hard time dealing with this PCOS thing. I feel so lonely. No one close to me really understand what I'm going through or how I'm feeling and I really hate having to try to put everything into a perspective that they can understand sometimes. I mean don't get me wrong, I love the support they are trying to give me, but at the point I just feel like I should be left alone. I want to be normal and I feel like that won't happen for a while. I feel like I'm outside, looking in on life at the moment.



I am in the process of changing my diet and my lifestyle to deal with PCOS the best way that I can. We have thrown out over half of our food because it isn't healthy, gluten-free, organic, or expired {we're really bad about letting pantry stuff expire} and we have replaced it with all of the good stuff. Ethan was amazed yesterday at the commissary. He said, when we got in the car after everything was bought and paid for, that this was probably the first time we have ever gone shopping and not gotten a single thing that was unhealthy or sugary. It's the truth. I'm craving all sorts of sugary things like ice cream and doughnuts, but I'm trying my hardest to suppress them with healthy foods like fruit and all that. I'm struggling, but it'll be worth it in the end.

I've done a lot of research over the past week and a half about diet and lifestyle changes when you have PCOS and I have found that a lot of people are saying that the best thing to do is to eat smaller amounts of food five to six times a day. I've been doing that over the past few days, and although I've already lost 3 pounds in a little over a week, I still feel weird eating all the time. I feel like a pig constantly snacking.

My doctor called me on Thursday to tell me that the lab work came back and they found that my testosterone levels are elevated and she thinks that I definitely have PCOS. I have to go in for an ultrasound to see if I have any cysts on my ovaries at the moment. I've never had a cyst before so I'm a little scared. What happens if I do have cysts? Do they remove them? If so, then how?

It's such a depressing thought that this will be my life from now on. Worrying about food, and exercising, and whether or not I can have another baby, and whether or not I have cysts...I broke down this weekend and just cried and cried. I just want to be normal.

Happy Father's Day

Ethan has been gone all weekend doing a motorcycle training class in Pensacola so Aiden and I have been playing and watching movies all weekend. We are missing Daddy pretty bad today since it's a special day just for him. Aiden has also decided that because Ethan is at a motorcycle class that means we are getting Daddy a motorcycle for Father's Day. HA! Ethan hates celebrating holidays like this, but I'm sure if there was a motorcycle in it for him I think he'd hold his tongue :-) Sadly for the boys we will not be buying a bike right now, if at all ever.
But in honor of Father's Day {and so that Aiden and I can look through pictures from when he was a baby together} I am posting a few of my favorite pictures of my boys together. Ethan is such an amazing father. I love to just sit and watch him and Aiden play together sometimes. I'm a lucky lady to have them.



Ranch heads

when he was first walking

Deployment 2009

Homecoming 2010

loving Florida

I mean who doesn't want a picture with Ronald McDonald??

I love you Boo. I couldn't ask for a better partner through all of this. Happy Father's Day. ♥♥♥

Everything Happens For A Reason

Now that I have had a few days to process what all is going on, I'm not feeling as horrible. I mean yes this does suck, but as I am quickly finding out I'm not alone.

Generally, I am a glass half-full type of girl and as my best friend told me yesterday I need to try to find the good in all of this. So that is what I am focusing on. I told Ethan last night as I was making fun of myself that if I can't laugh about everything then I will go crazy.

I am 21 year old. It seems very surreal to think that I will fight for my health for the rest of my life. I don't think that has really hit me yet. I will be treating this, whether with medication or naturally - or even a mix of both - from now on. As much as I like my doctor he didn't really talk to me much about what happens from here. I think partly because he's a man, partly because he is still an intern, and partly because I'm sure PCOS isn't his specialty. I will talk to him next time on if I need to be seen by a gynecologist or something for this.

What I can say is that right now I am really seeing that everything happens for a reason. I really believe that everything that has happened lately in my life has led me up to this moment: sitting here on the couch, listening to "ice cream" {or slow and mostly sad} music, while my son plays with his super hero toys next to me, letting my thoughts escape.

I dropped out of high school when I was 15. Looking back I was selfish and stupid thinking that I didn't need an education. I hated my school and I hated the fact that my mom couldn't find a way for me to transfer and eventually couldn't find the time to check my home school work.

When Ethan decided to join the Marine Corps I was 16. We knew that after he graduated boot camp I would not be able to move with him unless we were married. We had talked about marriage before with each other, but we weren't sure what our parents would think. In fact the reason Ethan joined the Marine Corps at all was because he knew that he wanted to marry me, but he knew that he needed to be able to provide for a family first. After talking it over together and with my parents, Ethan proposed to me a month before my 17th birthday. He left for boot camp 3 months later.

Ethan and I were married on December 9, 2006. He was 19 and I was 17. My mom had to sign the marriage license for me. He went on to MCT and the his MOS school. I moved down to North Carolina in March 2007 and by July 4th we found out I was pregnant. Aiden was born March 8, 2008. I was 18.

I really think that if things hadn't worked out like that I wouldn't have an amazing, sometimes frustrating little boy. I am so very very lucky to have him at all. Maybe we did everything so fast-paced when we were so young so that he could be in this world. God gave us this gift to be thankful for during the dark days ahead.

Aiden is the good in all of this. He always will be. Ethan and I have been planning on trying for another baby when he gets closer to graduating EOD school, but I'm not sure that's in the cards for us anymore. That's been a really hard thing to deal with the past few days. I'm learning that it is possible to still get pregnant with PCOS, but even if I never have another child I know that I'm blessed to be able to have my Monster.

And then even with me starting my blog a year ago, if I hadn't been frustrated and looking for a place to get my thoughts out, I would have never "met" such amazing people who are already showing me that I'm not alone in this. I would be completely lost without the help I'm finding from the blogging community.

I want to say thank you to those who have already helped me by listening to me, wiping my tears away, and giving me words of encouragement. It really means a lot.