I Have Come To The Conclusion

I have come to the conclusion that I am actually a terrible blogger. I want so badly to get my thoughts onto paper. I literally have three or four blog posts that I'm writing in my head at any given time. I could write about our amazing week at Disneyland. I could go into a huge long rant of all the weight issues we've been having with Lincoln and the fight to continue to breast feed. I could talk about how I am addicted to oil pulling. I could write a super sentimental post about how my Monster is growing too quickly and although his 6th birthday was a huge success, I really just miss him being my tiny little baby.

I have found that I just don't manage my time enough to do this regularly. I post for myself mostly anyways, you just get to come along for the ride. Being an EOD wife and being alone a lot, raising two kids, staying at home and keeping the house in order, just takes my priority and sadly this blog gets pushed to the side.

I hope to start blogging about our venture into the Paleo lifestyle. I have always had an issue with gluten, but ever since Christmas it has gotten much worse. If I eat more than a few bites of gluten my body now reacts violently. I feel that if I blog about it I am keeping myself accountable.

Maybe if I could figure out how to schedule posts it would be a bit easier. Write when I have a moment and then send it out whenever.

I need my outlet. My writing is an escape of sorts. I just need to figure out how to get everything in order.

Any tips?

21DSD Day 3

Today was much better than yesterday as far as cravings go. I made a slightly better cup of coffee, but only had enough time this morning to guzzle down half my cup because we were running out the door. Aiden was not late to school and we weren't late to Lincoln's appointment so that is an accomplishment in my book.

My kids on the other hand were a bit of a stressor for me today. Aiden had a hard day at home and at school with listening and following directions so when we got home he did his homework (extra slowly to prolong his tiny bit of freedom) and then spent the rest of the day in his room grounded. In our house when Aiden is "grounded" it means that he is in his room, on his bed, reading books. Not really a terrible punishment because this kid is a bookworm. He did also lose his video game privileges on Sunday (the only day we really allow him to play on the Xbox) and he was sent to bed an hour earlier than normal.

For lunch I really had no idea what I wanted to eat. Nothing really sounded good at all. Ethan always cooks a batch of chicken Sunday for the week so I knew I had a pre-made meal if I could just figure out what I wanted with it. Upon further searching I found that I wanted nachos. The good kind with everything on it. So I made myself a little healthy ghetto nacho bowl - minus the nachos. Chicken breast, guacamole, sour cream, and cheese, with some salt, pepper, and chipotle chili powder. It was way better than I expected it to be! Only after I had shoveled everything in my mouth, did I realize that salad mix would have been amazing as well. So that'll probably end up being tomorrow's lunch as well.

Ethan is out in the field tonight and I didn't really feel like cooking anything major so we had breakfast for dinner again. Eggs with cheese and some bacon.

Something I did discover today. My emotions are going a bit crazy. I cried while watching Tangled this afternoon and teared up looking at pictures of random people's babies. I saw a picture on Facebook of a mom doing skin on skin contact with her triplet girls. They were so cute and teeny! For some crazy reason it made my heart and my uterus ache. Ummmm hello?! I have a 7 month old that takes all the attention at the moment. There can be no more baby fever in this house for a while. Gotta suppress that shit.

Another discovery I have made this afternoon...coconut butter. Holy goodness it is super amazing! Like how have I gone this long and never tasted it before? I want to put it on EVERYTHING. I hope that my new found love for this stuff will help curb any cravings I have during this whole detox shindig.

I also have a headache. Not sure if it's from the detox or if it's from my children. Aiden was trying at every chance he got to weasel his way out of his room and Lincoln is still sick/teething which means he's super fussy. As tired as I am, I don't think I'll be getting to bed early tonight. I never can sleep when Ethan is gone. never have been able to. I complain about his snoring to him all the time, but when he's gone I guess it's too quiet in the room or something. I dunno. Basically I'm saying I love the man and can't live without him. All that mushy lovesick crap.

Speaking of crap...my littlest needs a diaper change. Oh the life of a mom. Fun stuff :-)

21DSD Day 2

So I'm honestly not really feeling it today. I'm not having cravings, more I just to emotionally eat. Which is probably just as bad. No worse.

Lincoln was woken up at 2:00 am by Ethan rolling him over because he was coughing in his sleep and Ethan thought he was choking. Sweet that he was trying to save his son's life (so he thought?) butttttt then Link decided it was time to wake up and play. Yayyyyyy. With Ethan having to leave for work at 4:30 am and me being the nice wife that I am, I got my warm and cozy self out of bed and took the baby into the living room so that Daddy could sleep. What I thought would be a quick "Oh look these toys are cool, but I'd rather nurse and fall asleep" thing turned into an hour and a half of Link playing in his playpen while I tried read my Kindle and not to pass out from exhaustion. I'm stupid. I should've just slept in the living room while he played.

Anyways, once we were finally in bed around 3:30, Lincoln started to get more and more uncomfortable. Pretty sure he's finally cutting his first tooth because I got bit 3 times last night {How can it hurt that much without him having teeth?! I'm totally scared for what's to come.}and that's never happened before. Plus he now has a fever. Due to the fever, or the pain in his poor baby gums, or because he really just hates me, we were awake about every 45 minutes for the rest of the night until we both gave up and just woke up around 8:00.

Like a zombie I trudged to the kitchen to make myself a nice, hot, BIG cup of joe. Only apparently I made it wrong or something because the outcome was a cup of sludge that couldn't be fixed with copious amounts of coconut milk creamer and sugar...because that's not allowed on the dumb detox. And I will be damned if I give up on the 2nd day. I hate to admit it, but I am terrible at making coffee. It's such a simple thing to do and yet I can never get the formula right. It's always either way too strong or too weak when I make it. That's why on days with my husband makes me coffee...it's always a good day. For everyone involved.

We ran out of vanilla extract, and we're running low on green-tipped bananas because well, they're delicious. I'm a weirdo because I actually have always preferred green bananas. Once they've turned completely yellow they're too ripe for me. Once they get the brown spots it's time to make banana bread or toss them. Or now make baby food :-) For those of you that have never done this detox, like half the recipes have vanilla of some sort and bananas. It's all about tricking your body into thinking you're getting sugar when you're really not.

By the end of the day I was feeling so defeated and exhausted that by the time dinner rolled around I honestly didn't care about the detox anymore. I wanted to order a pizza just for the simple fact that I could barely function anymore. We knew that wasn't an option for either one of us so instead we tried to figure out
how we could stick to our new diet without having to spend time in the kitchen. Ethan made a pot of coffee just so that we could think enough about food.

After a good 30 minutes of debating what to do I grabbed a cup of coffee (at 6:00 pm so let's hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the butt tonight) and found some willpower. Instead of going out with a sick kid and two irritable and drained adults I grabbed my go-to paleo foods when I can't think of anything else:  bacon and eggs. Our family's tradition is Taco Tuesdays and I knew Aiden would be expecting a taco of some sort. So we had a random quick breakfast for dinner. Aiden got his breakfast tacos. I had 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, and half of a chicken breast. Ethan had eggs and tuna which smelled absolutely awful, but he ate it while I just stared with my nose wrinkled.

I'm proud of myself for not giving in and just saying fuck it. I really do want to succeed and make it the whole 21 days without a cheat. I'm sure the days are going to get harder before they get better so I might as well embrace the suck. Hopefully Lincoln will sleep tonight and tomorrow will be better. For some added inspiration and motivation I will be spending the evening watching videos from PaleoCon. I'm super interested in learning about all things paleo, especially when it comes to kids - which is one of the topics for tonight. Sign up if you're interested too!

21 Days of Detox And Madness

So today begins the 21 Day Sugar Detox for Ethan and myself. I've been wanting to do it for a while but found excuse after excuse as to why we couldn't do it. Finally I have had enough. I am 3 pounds away from being back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Although that is a great accomplishment in itself that I was able to get under my baby weight about 2 weeks after I had Lincoln, I have goals for myself. The main one at the moment is to lose 20 pounds by Lincoln's first birthday in June. I. Will. Make. That. Happen.

It was getting a bit ridiculous with the amount of sugars we have been consuming lately. Breastfeeding has given me intense cravings - more so than when I was pregnant. The main thing I crave? Chocolate and dairy. My favorite go to snack (doesn't matter what time of day) is Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch or Peanut Butter M&Ms. Delicious, but moderation has become a curse word in the house. Sooooooo let's stop talking about sweets before I go stomping through the kitchen like Godzilla on a rampage. Just kidding it's not that bad...yet.

Day 1 of the detox really wasn't that bad. Obviously because it's Day 1. My biggest concern was what to put in my coffee this morning. Coffee is a must when you've got two kids and a dog to keep entertained all day. Especially when said children and dog decide to all fit together in a queen size bed with my husband and I at 3 in the morning. Fun times. Honestly though coffee without sugar wasn't as bad as I expected. I can't stand even the thought of black coffee so I added a bit of organic half and half, a spoonful of coconut oil, and a dash of cinnamon.

Seriously why haven't I been using cinnamon? It was the theme today and soooooo yummy.

We had cinnamon and garlic pork chops tonight with roasted Brussels sprouts. I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but seriously we all just inhaled it. Tomorrow there shall be pictures.

Tonight as I'm typing this out in a hurry because Ethan's got to wake up stupid early in the morning and Lincoln won't let anyone put him down at the moment, I feel pretty good. No adverse symptoms to report. No terrible cravings. I'm optimistic about the whole thing. We'll see how that goes later on this week.

Wish me luck! Give me some pointers if you've completed the detox before.

There Will Be Changes

Things can never stay the same.

Right?

RIGHT?

Over the next few weeks or so this blog will be completely redone. I've been reading some of my old posts and some of them bring back such amazing memories and some of them I just look at and think "What was I thinking?" Do you ever have those moments? Don't lie. I know you do.

Here's some things that haven't changed:

1. I still love writing and I have missed blogging a lot.
2. I am a wife and mom - my favorite job in the world.
3. I am still on a journey to become an example for my children.


Some things haven't stayed the same:

1. I'm a mother of TWO now.
2. I am gluten and dairy free....so naturally we are entering into the Paleo lifestyle.
3. I love working out. Yeah. Me. It's hard for me to believe sometimes too.
4. Southern California is starting to grow on me. Kind of like a fungus.

So if you are interested, stick around and see what all I have in store. I am committing myself to keeping up with everything this time. We'll see how that goes. 

No Need To Worry

Aiden's new routine every morning is to come into my room, climb in bed, lay his head on my belly, and talk to the baby. Sometimes he just says "Good morning, Sunshine" which is what I say to him in the mornings, and sometimes he carries on conversations. It is the sweetest thing, especially because in the past few days when he talks the baby starts moving around and tapping close to where he is. 

This was his conversation this morning which melted my heart and made me giggle:
"Do you know where your daddy is? He's in Afghanistan. When he comes home he'll probably give you raspberries like he gives me. Daddy is gonna love you when he comes home. Maybe you'll pee on him like all babies do when they're not in diapers. And me and you and Loki are gonna love him."

When Ethan and I first started trying for another baby, I was concerned about the age gap. My dream was always to have my kids no more than 3 years apart. As it took longer and longer to get pregnant, the more I worried. I don't want my kids fighting all the time, but I would like them to get along and have things in common. 

The farther along I get with this pregnancy, the more I see that all of my worries are for nothing. God's timing is perfect for my life. Aiden is the most amazing helper. He has kept me sane throughout this deployment. 

By the time the baby is born Aiden will be five. He'll be starting kindergarten this fall. He has had plenty of time with me and Ethan alone, and has made a ton of memories. I know that there will be an adjustment period, but I don't think there will be much jealousy between him and the baby. Once school starts we will have our own set times to spend together and apart. Each of our kids will get alone time with us. 

Monster has been praying to God for months for a baby brother or sister, and he is the happiest little boy because God answered his prayers. 

I'm so excited to watch the two of them together. Aiden is already talking about how he's going to love and hold the baby, change the diapers, and give baths. He wants to teach the baby how to walk and talk. He is going to be such an amazing big brother. I don't know why I worry. 

Who Knows If I'm Back Or Not But I'm Still Around

2012 was a very rough year for me. 

We moved from Florida to California, which after living in the South all my life was a huge culture shock to me. I hated it here. I couldn't stand the thought of being here for at least 4 years.

When I just started getting used to the idea that I was well and truly stuck here, I got pregnant. We were completely surprised and insanely happy. Then on May 29th, our 9 year anniversary, I had a miscarriage. I was alone while Ethan was at pre-deployment training with a 4 year old that had no idea what was going on. I. Was. Devastated. 

After the miscarriage, I started getting more involved in our church. I was searching for something and I didn't know what, but I couldn't shake the feeling that Saddleback was a place for the healing that I needed. I got myself into a program called Celebrate Recovery, and I slowly started seeings changes in the way I look at life and my past.

In September we went to Texas for two weeks for pre-deployment leave. It was so amazing to be back home surrounded by family and friends that actually care about us. We made some amazing memories.

A few weeks later Ethan deployed and our first EOD deployment began. I have to say that this is completely different than the first deployment when he was admin. EOD is a completely different world altogether, and although it takes some getting used to, I love it. I love the amazing families and how close we get. There have been tragedies in the community this year and I have witnessed how close we all pull together to help one of our own. I hope that when they guys get back I can become closer with more ladies in Ethan's platoon since I won't be the "newbie wife" anymore.

On October 12, 2012 I was shocked to see a plus sign on yet another pregnancy test. Only 4 1/2 months after my miscarriage I was pregnant again.Talk about God's timing, because I sure as hell wasn't expecting to get pregnant. Especially not while being alone again after what happened last time. In fact we had already decided to wait and once he came back we would talk to the doctor about starting Clomid and all that infertility stuff.

Aiden had a rough time getting used to Daddy being gone, but we've gotten into a routine now. We spent Thanksgiving in Las Vegas with Ethan's sister and her family. Christmas was spent together with some very close friends here. It's not the same without him here, but it's such a blessing that we don't have to be alone.

We live for phone calls, video chat dates, emails, and letters. Hearing from Ethan always makes our day better.

The biggest change though in 2012 was me. I have been working on myself both spiritually and physically. I am growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ. My eyes are opening and seeing my past experiences in a different light. I switched to eating gluten-free after finding out that I have a gluten sensitivity and I threw myself into working out, especially after the miscarriage. With two pregnancies, the depression of a miscarriage, and the struggle with PCOS I still have lost 44 pounds this year, and quite a few inches. I look like a completely different person, and even better is that I feel like one. I have an amazing support system to keep me going when I feel like I can't anymore.

Christmas 2011 to Christmas 2012. In the picture on the left I am 13 1/2 weeks pregnant and starting to show. 

2013 will bring so many amazing things into our life. I am so excited for Ethan to come, the baby to be here, and to spend the holidays this year together as a family of four. 

Father's Day A Week Later

So on Father's Day we couldn't do anything I had planned because of Ethan having a PFT and weigh in coming up...he couldn't splurge like I had planned. So we agreed we would do it the next weekend.

Now Ethan really hates getting gifts. He hates holidays and birthdays where people feel obligated to get him anything. I know this. I have known this since we started getting serious all those years ago. And I fight it. I drives me insane. I love that he doesn't expect certain things and there isn't a greedy bone in his body, but it makes me crazy that on occasion I like to spoil him. It makes me feel good. I'm a giver.

This time I decided not to fight him on this. I mean we won't have many holidays together this year, I wanted to make the ones we do have memorable while he's gone. So no presents. Sadly our printer is broken somehow so I couldn't even print out that Daddy survey, but he did get to at least read it on here. I'll have to wait and maybe send it in a care package later on.

Instead of a gift, I gave him a day. I planned an awesome day filled with fun that the three of us {and Loki too} could do as a family. Since you know, he wouldn't be a father without his family. :-) Ethan loves camping and we never get to do it. We went before we got married, but then the military makes it hard to plan these things sometimes and having a kid and all that...we just haven't gone in a long time. Since I have pretty much no idea of the area around Camp Pendleton when it comes to outdoorsy stuff {Did you know there's a Marina on base? I didn't.} I decided to just make it easy and bring the camping to me.

Aiden and I decorated the living room before Ethan came home from work on Friday, and we even dressed in a "camping theme."

Aiden was so excited that we could camp "in the woods." I definitely got extra Mama points for it. When Ethan came home it was time to set up the tent. 

Loki and I were awesome cheerleaders while they boys did all the work. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. 

After the tent was set up I told Ethan that he could pick dinner. So we headed over to In N Out for some good 'ol Animal Style burgers. Then it was time to get to camping. I was very adament about not watching tv or playing on our phones since those wouldn't be out in camping anyways - at least not the camping Ethan and I used to do. Super Hero Squad Chutes & Ladders, Candy Land, and Uno just seemed so much more fun when playing inside the tent. 

After games it was getting late, but I still had one last camping staple hidden in the closet. S'mores!! 

Then it was bedtime for this tired and happy family. Ethan made the tent comfortable while Aiden and I got ready for bed. We all snuggled in with a few books and a lot of stuffed animals. Monster passed out pretty much immediately. 

All in all it was a great success. Ethan said it was one of the best Father's Days he's had. And best of all, there was no fighting about gifts. 

What Aiden Thinks About His Daddy

So it's a well known fact: I am a Pinterest addict. I've given up on trying to deny this simple fact. I simply love the awesome ideas I get - especially new recipes and crafts. So I've been browsing lately and since it's practically Father's Day {on Sunday} there's been a ton of Father's Day questionaires. The answers some of these kids have about their Dads got me to thinking. What does Aiden think about Ethan? How does he view the most important man in his life at his wizened age of 4 years?

So while Ethan is gone I have compiled my own list of questions for Aiden to answer. I was slightly surprised at how in-tune to Ethan he is, even if he still puts his child's view on his answers. This Monster is a smart cookie! I think I'm going to find a creative way to give him the questionaire since Ethan despises presents of any sort. He'll get a laugh out of this, and it will be free. Which is always good with my silly frugal man.

Father's Day 2011

• My Daddy's name is Ethan. 
• He is 14 ft and 4 inches tall.
• He is 24 years old. 
• He weighs 100 pounds. 
• He has brown eyes.
• He doesn't have any hair because he's bald. 
• My Daddy likes to go to the movie theater with us.
• His favorite movie is The Avengers.
• Daddy's favorite restaurant is Souplantation.
• His favorite food is vegetables!
• Daddy's favorite dessert is vanilla beans.
• Daddy's favorite thing to drink is beer. 
• For fun Daddy likes to play puzzles with me.
• His favorite game to play is the shooting game {Call of Duty: Modern Warfare}.
• His favorite sport is fighting {UFC/WEC}.
• At his job, my Daddy breaks bombs when he's wearing his work helmet.
• Daddy likes to wear cammies when goes to work and school, and regular clothes when he is at home.
• Daddy's favorite color is blue. He thinks it is clear, but clear isn't a color. 
• Daddy knows how to shoot guns.
• Daddy doesn't like it when Loki bites him.
• Daddy's favorite animal is a lion.
• My favorite thing to do with Daddy is going on adventures together.
• One day Daddy will come home and sing me a lullaby.
• I will always be happy with my Daddy. 
• Daddy is special because he is my Daddy, silly!

Weekend Recap

This weekend was actually pretty great. There were a few tears, but mostly just laughter and love. It has definitely been the best two days I've had since this whole baby mess started.

Saturday I had some really great friends over for dinner. We made this super delicious Spicy Cauliflower Mac N Cheese from Lemon and Lace. Seriously it was amaze-balls. I've had it for lunch both Sunday and today. Yummy!! And the best part? All three kids ate it {mostly} with little to no complaining. We drank wine and just had some nice girl time while the kids wore themselves out upstairs.

We decided to have an impromptu sleepover so the kids piled up in Aiden's room together and we stayed up til around 2 watching Grey's Anatomy, which I am totally hooked on all over again. Thanks Netflix!

Sunday we woke up later than planned so we decided to go to the evening church service up in Lake Forest. Instead we had a lazy day. Waffles for breakfast, and another round of Grey's while the kids played upstairs and watched movies. I didn't change out of my pajamas until after 3 pm.

I had never been to the evening service {that is geared specifically for the younger church crowd, 35 and younger} so I was pretty excited. We grabbed some Del Taco on the way up there, which is also a plus since they have yummy chicken tacos. When we got there I was completely blown away by the size of the church. When we lived in Memphis my parents took us to a huge church - one of the biggest in Memphis I think - but compared to Saddleback, it was small.

Sadly we had the time wrong so we got there halfway through the service, but it was still an awesome sermon. I love watching Pastor Rick in action. There's just this fire about him that gets you excited to learn and grow in the Lord. And the worship...gave me goosebumps. Pastor Rick was baptizing people after service and we watched for a few minutes before the kids all decided they wanted to get in the water too...so we explored the campus a bit. I have to say it is just simply stunning.

Once the Monster was put in bed, I was listening to music and missing Ethan when he called me! Ah I was so excited because he told me he wouldn't be able to call until he is on is way home this weekend. Seriously it just made such a perfect ending to a really awesome weekend.

I can slowly feel the healing start, and I'm not complaining one bit.

Just Staying Focused

So to start off, I'm slowly re-doing my blog. I haven't been writing for so long that I just wanted a change. So what do you think?? My beautiful header is all thanks to my awesome cousin Bailey!!


The bleeding has finally stopped. The physical pain is gone. All of the pregnancy symptoms have left, which is a good thing, and a bad thing at the same time. Yesterday I literally cried for 4 hours, but when I was done I felt a little better. I'm really trying hard to stick to my guns about the getting healthy. I was doing really really well before this miscarriage. Now every day is a new struggle. I have to force myself to look away from the cookies and chips, and reach for a fruit or a few graham crackers. I have discovered that Nutella on Saltines is ah-mazing!

As proof of just how important the right foods are for losing weight and being healthy, I have lost 2 pounds in 3 days. Just from cutting out the crap {no more stupid Oreos or pizza or Lay's} and drinking only water. Totally great right??

Anyways, Aiden is sick today. The day I finally start feeling like a human being again, and the poor kid gets a fever. Again. Did I mention he had a fever last week during my miscarriage? I don't know if it's the back and forth of the weather here or what, but it's driving me nuts. And he is so sad that he can't go play with his friends and do fun things until the fever is gone.

So today we are having a sick/lazy/cleaning day. How do you have a lazy and cleaning day, you ask? Well that's easy. You only do laundry so that you can just sit on your butt and fold clothes. Genius right?! You get something done, but it's nothing too tedious like sweeping and mopping.

Today I am going to focus on something good, otherwise I will swallow myself up in the bad. I'm really really really missing Ethan today. With everything that's gone on I really just need to curl up on his arms and cry and nap and just be loved. He is my rock. He is my strength. He really is the true love of my life. Even when things are bad, they're always a bit better when he's with me.

So today I will focus on my never ending love for my husband, and thank God as many times as I can for bringing him into my life. He really did save me from the really tough life I was heading for. Call me crazy or a total cheeseball, but I truly 100% believe that we were made for each other. He was at my parents' wedding 5 months before I was even conceived! Of course he was a baby, but his name is in their wedding book. We were in the same church when we were babies. When my parents divorced, and we moved back to Texas, I became best friends with his sister, by chance. He even helped me with a previous boyfriend. Then we became friends, and then eventually more. Everything in my life {as far as I can see} has led me to him.

These are the moments I will focus on today, and the only reason I will be sad is that he isn't here with me today to share in this love.

Getting Back On My Grind

I have been steadily working out and losing weight since I decided I needed to change back in February. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hated for Ethan to see me without clothes on. I didn't even want to go out in public because I felt ashamed of myself.

I woke up one morning and decided I wasn't going to feel that way anymore. I have an awesome group of friends {ADW whaaaaaaat!} that are so supportive and have taught me so much about myself and how to get healthy. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. And sometimes it is really hard.

With this whole miscarriage thing I have completely lost all motivation. I went from eating healthy and working out every day (before the pregnancy where I literally puked after 12 minutes on the elliptical) to eating. And worse than just eating, I depression ate.

This last week I literally ate pizza for lunch and dinner for four days, and I went through two packages of Oreos. And then of course I gained 3 pounds. In a week!! Of course I have no one to blame but myself. I take full responsibility for my actions, as gross as they are.

So today marks the restart of my getting healthy. I am counting calories, paying attention to what I eat, and am keeping a food diary. As soon as I'm cleared for working out you best believe I'll be working my way up to 45-60 minutes on the elliptical and Zumba. I'll start back on my strength training as well.

I will not let this miscarriage completely erase everything that I have worked so hard for. Depression will not win this round.

My Own Therapy

There are times when words fail me. Sometimes I have no idea how to express my feelings. I can tell you that my heart is broken. I can tell you that I cry at night when I'm laying alone thinking about the baby. I can tell you that I miss my husband so much that it leaves an ache in my stomach. But I just can't talk about how I feel about the baby yet, other than that I am fighting a deep dark depression from taking over my life. I can't afford to lose it all when I am at home with Monster.

I have been using my son as my source of strength. I can't allow myself to break down because he wouldn't be able to make it without me. If I gave up like I did when Ethan left way back when...he would know it. He isn't a tiny baby that doesn't understand what crying even means. He can't just stay in his playpen and sleep and play while I completely shut down and detach myself from the world. So I have no choice but to be strong for him.

So in my weakest moments I listen to music. It is the one comfort that I constantly have. It's my special brand of therapy. All I have to do is turn on the computer or the radio or my phone and there is music to feed my mood. There's a song that can say exactly what I'm feeling, when I don't even know myself.

These are the two songs that are keeping me going. They still make me cry at times, but they also make me stronger. I know that I will move past this. I know that this sharp pain in my chest that is hard to even breathe around will eventually fade. One day I will look back and "see how You've brought beauty from ashes, and made me as gold purified through these flames."

"After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again and there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain."

"And as Your mercy falls I'll praise the God who gives and takes away. And I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm." 

You Don't Know What To Say? It's Okay

I am quickly learning that people really just have no clue. We want to help each other and be there for each other, but we just don't know how. And you know what? That's okay. We don't have to have the answers all the time.


I have also quickly learned that if you've never been through what someone else has, you just can't truly understand how they feel. You can sympathize and feel awful for them, but you just don't know what they are feeling and going through because you haven't been there.


Friends of mine, and even people I hardly know have been trying to comfort me over the past week or so over the miscarriage. They love me in their own way and they just want to show it the best way that they know how. I understand this and I appreciate it. But there is a fine line between what is meant to be a kind word, and what is just unacceptable to say to me at this time.

You know that saying your mom used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" - that applies here. If you don't know what to say, then just tell me that. Tell me that you love me and that you're thinking about me, but you just don't have the words to comfort me. Don't tell me that I'm lucky I wasn't very far along. Or that at least I know that I can get pregnant. Or that your friend had it so much worse so I should be thankful.

There isn't any possible way that that makes me lucky. There's no way that because I was able to talk to my husband on the phone three times or see him for a few hours, I have this any easier than someone. I don't compare my pain to anyone else's except my own. Please do the same.

If we went by my due date, I was 13 weeks pregnant. The baby was only 6 weeks and 3 days.

What some people don't seem to realize is that no matter how far along I was, the fact is that I lost a baby. It doesn't matter if I was 2 months, 7 months, or made it full term and had a stillbirth. My baby is dead. And that is a terrible thing.

It's okay for me to mourn. It's okay for me to cry. And however long it takes me to heal, just be here for me. Give me a hug. Call or text me just to let me know that you're thinking of me. Don't disappear and don't try to make me feel better. Run your words through your head. If it would hurt you, then just don't say them to me right now. Give me some time to get past all of this, and then talk to me about how this could be a blessing in disguise.

I believe in God. I trust in Him. I trust that he has a plan for me, and eventually I hope to understand why this happened. But if I don't I am comforted in the fact that He does.

Just love me. That's what I need.

It's Not Rainbows And Butterflies

Most of you in the blogging world don't know this, but in April I took pregnancy test and it was positive. After all of the doctors I saw last year, after finally being diagnosed with an infertility disease and being told I would never be able to get pregnant without the help of drugs, I was pregnant.

Then there was a problem. At my first ultrasound the baby was measuring much too small for where they expected me to be. It was just a simple mistake, the due date was wrong. No big deal.

At my next appointment the baby hadn't grown. A week later and it was still measuring the same and my hCG levels weren't rising fast enough to make the doctors happy. They sent me home with no hope. My baby was going to die, if it wasn't already dead. I was going to have a miscarriage.

On May 29, 2012 - mine and Ethan's 9 year anniversary of us dating - I lost our baby. I was alone and sick with a sick child.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm trying to work through it all, but it hurts so bad. I have no more tears left to cry. The skin below my eyes is constantly red and there are tiny cracks that burn whenever a tear slips out. I stood in the shower for an hour and a half yesterday, not feeling the cold water running down my back. I didn't feel anything.

My friends don't really know what to say. Some of the things they tell me...they don't realize how cruel their words really are. They don't mean it the way it comes across. So I'm finding it easier to just not talk to my friends. And that's bad. I need the love. I need the support. I need to not be alone like I have been.

And yet through all of this pain I am thankful. I am thankful that I had even the briefest moment to be that baby's Mama. I am thankful that I was even able to get pregnant on my own without the help of Clomid or IVF. I thank God every single day for my amazing little boy. I have my miracle baby, and now I have my angel baby. 

The New Love In Our Lives

Introducing the newest member of our family:

Loki

Monster is soooooo happy. They play together all day. He has a new best friend <3

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

I received a very very unexpected message on Facebook from someone I never thought I would hear from again.

Krystal. 

Yes that Krystal. The one I wrote a letter to last year here. The one who ruined me and made me stronger at the same time. The one that I was fine never speaking to again.

She wrote me a message on Facebook to let me know that she is sorry for "what it's worth" that she had to "get it off her chest."

She might really mean those words. Because trust me, she has every f*cking reason to be sorry. She tried to ruin a marriage. She legitimately tried to break up a family. She threatened me and our son {who was 9 months old at the time} because Ethan wouldn't come back to her. She stalked us. She spread disease over our life (literally and metaphorically) and that just can't be forgotten.

Perhaps she finally has a grasp on just what exactly she did. Maybe she's going through the same thing she put me through {karma is a bitch after all} and she understands now how horrible she was. Maybe she has had some serious counselling and this is part of her own healing process.

I'm not sure her reasons for apologizing, and while it is appreciated just because it's nice to know that she recognizes she was a skanky excuse for a human being at that time, I can't help but feel like it's not sincere. If she was truly sorry where was this apology 3 years ago?? Or maybe a year ago when we came across each other between our mutual friends? I mean Facebook is a super teeny tiny world. It's not like she couldn't just look me up any time she felt guilty.

So Why now? Why does she want to mend bridges now? And why would she think she even could?

I've moved on. I can't see myself ever becoming her friend, or even pretending to be. I want nothing more to do with that part of our past. I am a completely different person now. I've grown up. I am a woman, not a lost little girl.

I am at war with myself whether or not to even reply back to her. I don't want to open that can of worms. I have been perfectly happy pretending she doesn't exist for the past 3 years. At the same time though, I would like to tell her that the apology is appreciated but that I just can't forget the things she did and that I have no intention of carrying on any time of forced friendship or whatever it is she wants from me. I don't think I can ever forgive her fully, I just keep moving farther and farther from the past.

"I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round." 


"Cause if  it wasn't for all that you tried to do I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. Makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter."

This Is Gonna Take Some Getting Used To

I really like it here in Cali - or SoCal as I've been told to call it. I honestly do. It seems really laid back here for the most part. The people here aren't as friendly as I'm used to back in Texas or even North Carolina, but I kind of got used to that living in Florida. It's not that they aren't friendly, but when I say hello to someone in the store I get completely ignored. In Texas you always say hello (or howdy) back. I mean it's just common courtesy. But on to another point before I bring drama to my newly {re-opening?} of my blog.

Anyways it's nice here. The weather isn't too awful. The scenery is gorgeous.

BUT it's still going to take some getting used to.

I'm used to small town Florida, and before that small town North Carolina. I-5 scares me. People drive so fast here! Like we were doing about 15 mph over and were still getting passed like we were old grandparents.

There's no space between towns either. I noticed that today as we took a drive up a little past Irvine. With the exception of the 18 or so miles of highway that goes past Camp Pendleton, there is literally town after town. You don't have a chance to breathe before you're right back in another city.

It seems like everything here is more expensive as well. I mean I was warned about that, but seeing it in person is a real eye opener. Leave it to us to buy a brand new truck and then get to California and cringe at $3.67 a gallon. Good job us!!

I guess I'm experiencing a bit of culture shock. I have a feeling that after 4 years when we move again I'll be thinking how po-dunk any other state is. There's definitely never a short of things to do around here.

Back At It Again

So here I am again. The blogging bug has bitten me and I can't seem to shake it. Things are starting to settle down again and I really have this need to just put my thoughts out to the universe and anyone who still would read this blog. 

Things have changed. I have changed. 

My last post on here was in August. We lived in Florida. Ethan was still going through EOD School. I was sad and lonely. I was having a hard time coping with PCOS and I couldn't come to terms with some of the issues that stemmed from my diagnosis. 

Here it is, the 12th day of 2012, and I'm happy to say that those days are behind me. Ethan has graduated school. He is an EOD Tech now :-)  We moved clear across the country from paradise in Florida to sunny Southern California. The new year really is a brand new start for us, and I'm so ready to see what amazing-ness 2012 will hold. 

Most importantly (because this is my blog after all) I am much happier with myself. I have learned to deal with my PCOS and I refuse to let it run my life. Since my diagnosis I am learning to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm losing weight and I'm feeling great. I have really fallen in love with Zumba. Ethan even loves it! After the beginning of the weight loss I also chopped 14 inches off of my hair so I'm definitely ready for this fresh new start in California. 

From the time we got to FL to our last month

At the moment I am sitting on our poor torn up couch, with tons of brown cardboard boxes containing most of our life surrounding me. Right now we are dealing with a pretty bad move experience. A lot of our stuff has been damaged, completely broken, or lost, so that's not fun. But we are loving our new house (on base) and the area. I'm looking forward to our exploring adventures to come, and then of course the blog posts that will follow. :-)

T.T.F.N.

So for most of the people who have followed me for a while you have noticed that I haven't really been blogging at all. Actually I haven't posted in 3 1/2 weeks. In fact most of the people who did follow me haven't really been reading this in a while, which of course I don't blame you. If I can't be bothered to write, then why would I expect you to be bothered to read anything.

Anyways things have been really well. My Scentsy business is flourishing. I have added two new members to my team this month alone. Aiden is growing up super fast. He's got this attitude now that is cute and irritating at the same time. The boy always thinks he's right! I wonder where he got that from...   Mine and Ethan's relationship hasn't been this amazing since we were first learning about each other as teenagers. I have Florida to thank for that. We aren't stuck in North Carolina with everyone knowing our past and thinking that they know our future. I am dealing with my PCOS as best as I can. I have lost 11 pounds in the past month and a half and I am determined to keep going. I've gotta look my best for the Marine Corps Ball!

It's been a bittersweet few months. I have two brand new nieces born in June and August. My other niece's 1st birthday is today. I love these little girls so much and at the same time my heart hurts a little that this was the month Ethan and I were supposed to be trying for our own new baby. Obviously that's not happening anymore.

I keep a smile on my face as much as I can. Although there are days when I just want to curl up in bed and cry for days. Sometimes my smile isn't as bright and on the inside I am weeping.

It has become a chore to try to get on here and write something interesting or funny. I feel like when I write anymore it's just about how sad I am. I have to write about it because I can't show it on the outside, and I have to have release somehow. Otherwise I will just crawl inside myself and become the hermit I used to be. And we all know what happened last time I did that...

I am still keeping this blog, but I am going to keep it private for a while. I just need to get things out there without clogging up the Dashboard or people's thoughts with my lonely vibes. Maybe once I can get all of this negative energy out I'll be able to bounce back. I've had the Young But Not Completely Dumb Wordpress account for a while. Maybe I'll switch over to that once I'm feeling better since Blogger has been getting on my nerves the past few months. Anyone who has switched, send me an e-mail if you like Wordpress better.

So for now I am saying goodbye to everyone. The blogging community has been an amazing support system and I'd like to say that I've made quite a few "friends" out there that I hope I don't lose complete touch with. Thank you everyone who has been there to support me and make me smile over the past year.

T.T.F.N - Ta Ta For Now

If you still want to stay in touch there's always Facebook. :-D