Wednesday, January 9, 2013

No Need To Worry

Aiden's new routine every morning is to come into my room, climb in bed, lay his head on my belly, and talk to the baby. Sometimes he just says "Good morning, Sunshine" which is what I say to him in the mornings, and sometimes he carries on conversations. It is the sweetest thing, especially because in the past few days when he talks the baby starts moving around and tapping close to where he is. 

This was his conversation this morning which melted my heart and made me giggle:
"Do you know where your daddy is? He's in Afghanistan. When he comes home he'll probably give you raspberries like he gives me. Daddy is gonna love you when he comes home. Maybe you'll pee on him like all babies do when they're not in diapers. And me and you and Loki are gonna love him."

When Ethan and I first started trying for another baby, I was concerned about the age gap. My dream was always to have my kids no more than 3 years apart. As it took longer and longer to get pregnant, the more I worried. I don't want my kids fighting all the time, but I would like them to get along and have things in common. 

The farther along I get with this pregnancy, the more I see that all of my worries are for nothing. God's timing is perfect for my life. Aiden is the most amazing helper. He has kept me sane throughout this deployment. 

By the time the baby is born Aiden will be five. He'll be starting kindergarten this fall. He has had plenty of time with me and Ethan alone, and has made a ton of memories. I know that there will be an adjustment period, but I don't think there will be much jealousy between him and the baby. Once school starts we will have our own set times to spend together and apart. Each of our kids will get alone time with us. 

Monster has been praying to God for months for a baby brother or sister, and he is the happiest little boy because God answered his prayers. 

I'm so excited to watch the two of them together. Aiden is already talking about how he's going to love and hold the baby, change the diapers, and give baths. He wants to teach the baby how to walk and talk. He is going to be such an amazing big brother. I don't know why I worry. 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Who Knows If I'm Back Or Not But I'm Still Around

2012 was a very rough year for me. 

We moved from Florida to California, which after living in the South all my life was a huge culture shock to me. I hated it here. I couldn't stand the thought of being here for at least 4 years.

When I just started getting used to the idea that I was well and truly stuck here, I got pregnant. We were completely surprised and insanely happy. Then on May 29th, our 9 year anniversary, I had a miscarriage. I was alone while Ethan was at pre-deployment training with a 4 year old that had no idea what was going on. I. Was. Devastated. 

After the miscarriage, I started getting more involved in our church. I was searching for something and I didn't know what, but I couldn't shake the feeling that Saddleback was a place for the healing that I needed. I got myself into a program called Celebrate Recovery, and I slowly started seeings changes in the way I look at life and my past.

In September we went to Texas for two weeks for pre-deployment leave. It was so amazing to be back home surrounded by family and friends that actually care about us. We made some amazing memories.

A few weeks later Ethan deployed and our first EOD deployment began. I have to say that this is completely different than the first deployment when he was admin. EOD is a completely different world altogether, and although it takes some getting used to, I love it. I love the amazing families and how close we get. There have been tragedies in the community this year and I have witnessed how close we all pull together to help one of our own. I hope that when they guys get back I can become closer with more ladies in Ethan's platoon since I won't be the "newbie wife" anymore.

On October 12, 2012 I was shocked to see a plus sign on yet another pregnancy test. Only 4 1/2 months after my miscarriage I was pregnant again.Talk about God's timing, because I sure as hell wasn't expecting to get pregnant. Especially not while being alone again after what happened last time. In fact we had already decided to wait and once he came back we would talk to the doctor about starting Clomid and all that infertility stuff.

Aiden had a rough time getting used to Daddy being gone, but we've gotten into a routine now. We spent Thanksgiving in Las Vegas with Ethan's sister and her family. Christmas was spent together with some very close friends here. It's not the same without him here, but it's such a blessing that we don't have to be alone.

We live for phone calls, video chat dates, emails, and letters. Hearing from Ethan always makes our day better.

The biggest change though in 2012 was me. I have been working on myself both spiritually and physically. I am growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ. My eyes are opening and seeing my past experiences in a different light. I switched to eating gluten-free after finding out that I have a gluten sensitivity and I threw myself into working out, especially after the miscarriage. With two pregnancies, the depression of a miscarriage, and the struggle with PCOS I still have lost 44 pounds this year, and quite a few inches. I look like a completely different person, and even better is that I feel like one. I have an amazing support system to keep me going when I feel like I can't anymore.

Christmas 2011 to Christmas 2012. In the picture on the left I am 13 1/2 weeks pregnant and starting to show. 

2013 will bring so many amazing things into our life. I am so excited for Ethan to come, the baby to be here, and to spend the holidays this year together as a family of four.