Sunday, July 31, 2011

My Own PCOS Journey...

It has been 8 weeks since I was diagnosed with PCOS. It has been a hard pill to swallow. There have been tears. There has been anger. There have been sleepless nights and depressed sleep-ins. There has been denial. There has been guilt.

I have been forced to realize that my body isn't like other "normal" people anymore. I am going to be taking some form of pills, whether prescription drugs or natural medicines, for the rest of my life. I have completely changed my diet to organic/gluten-free/low glycemic and I am always conscious of what I put in my body now. I have come to terms with the fact that if I don't take care of my body much more serious things can happen because of PCOS. I am a lucky woman just to have my Aiden Monster, and I want to make sure that I stay healthy enough to be there for him for as long as I can.

In 8 weeks I have lost twelve pounds, just from taking my meds and eating differently. It's still a struggle to live this way, but each day it gets easier. I'm mostly past my terrible craving stage. Now it's much easier to see my best friend gobble down some milk and Oreos at midnight without my mouth watering and my teeth aching to join in. Ethan and I joined our local YMCA and of course the day after we got the membership I went and sprained my ankle doing Zumba {go me!} sooooo I haven't been able to truly work out yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

For me at least, it's easier to stay on track with a great support system keeping me on track. So I have decided to join the Soul Cyster Weight Loss Challenge, created by Mrs. O. I'm really excited to "meet" the other contestants and to get some much needed help with coping with PCOS. The contest runs from August 1st to October 30th, so it should also get me into shape just before Ball season. I plan on being able to hold my head up high and be proud of myself at this year's Marine Corps Ball.

So wish me luck! Send me love and support vibes! And if you join the SCWLC let me know!!

This is me finding my way through the darkness. I will succeed, and I will be happy. After all, happy girls are pretty girls ♥

Sunday, July 24, 2011

{no name because I'm lazy}

I'm restless.

There I've said it.

I need a change in my life, and I'm not sure what that change could be. I am really loving our life in Florida right now. Ethan is doing really well in EOD school *knocks on wood* {Yes I'm superstitious cautious.} He seems to be really loving it as well, although now he's getting into the for real nitty gritty serious part of school so he comes home with a slightly blank stare in his eye, and a little bit of smoke coming out of his ears from the brain frying during the day.

Aiden is becoming more and more independent every day. He is his own little opinionated person, and although it is slightly frustrating, I have to admit it is a blessing. He likes to do his own thing. He likes to play in his room alone. And dear God does that boy have an imagination! It surprises me every day the things that he can come up with. He does have his meltdowns and we are definitely entering into the bossy/bratty three-year-old stage, but I still love him. Of course, I always will.

I'm even happy. Inside (for the most part) and out. I'm staying busy, I have a great group of friends here that are helping to keep me sane, even if they don't know it. I love our house. I love the town we live in. I love the fact that it is technically a small town, but we're 5 minutes from the "city" with all that comes along with it. I love the weather, although I complain about it constantly. I love the white sandy beaches and the pristine water. I find myself smiling all of the time. I love my job. I love my family. I love it all.

....And yet I find myself yearning for something more. Something inside myself that needs to either be filled, or set free. Anyone reading this who knew me in North Carolina might even be surprised at the way I am now because of how I was in that place. Perhaps even my readers who have stuck around since the beginning - maybe you've noticed the subtle change in me. I was a shy, quiet, lonely girl. I didn't stand up for myself the way I should have. I let people walk all over me. I kept to myself and I saw and experienced things I would never wish on anyone {except perhaps that one girl...}

North Carolina, or more specifically Cherry Point, broke something inside of me. I will never be the same, but just in the 4 months that we have lived in Florida I have changed. I've grown. I've opened myself up. I'm learning to trust. I'm allowing myself to have fun without trying to be someone I'm not.

Florida has begun to heal that brokenness inside of me. I can breathe a little easier here. Maybe it's because no one knows my business here. No one looks at me and thinks God how could she live with herself after what he did to her? or She must be either be desperate or has no respect for herself to stay with him. Because that's how I feel people felt about me. Maybe they still do, but I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. Those people don't know the real me. I didn't even know the real me, but I'm beginning to learn things about myself that I never knew.

I still feel fat and disgusting. I still feel unattractive and manly. I still have a lot to work on, but I am beginning to like the woman that is emerging into the light. I have my bad days, more so than perhaps some of my friends, but I try to keep ahead of the darkness. Then again maybe a little darkness would keep me balanced. Who knows. Now I'm rambling so I'll sign off for now.

Maybe this is what I need from time to time. A quiet spot in the house in the middle of the night to create. I love writing and I haven't done it for so long. I'm hoping that this is the part of me that needs to be set free. May be I just need to let my thought out and let my voice be heard.

So I send these random, perhaps useless thoughts out into the vast Internet universe. Maybe someone out there will understand what I'm going through.

Monday, July 11, 2011

We're Grrrrrrreat!!

So Ethan and I pretty much took a week away from the computers and we all just spent time as a family. It was so nice to spend time together as a family, especially because it seems like the further into EOD school he gets, the less time we actually get to spend together. He's so tired when he comes home we literally eat dinner, watch an hour of TV, put Aiden to bed, and then he's done for the night. The 4th of July long weekend, his 3 day week, and then another weekend was just the perfect amount of time for us to reconnect. We literally spent Saturday and yesterday at home, in our pj's, vegging out in front of the TV. We got ourselves addicted to The Unit. I have no idea how we'd never seen it before, but both of us are hooked.

I'm finding that we watch a lot more TV since he's been in school. I think it's because it's much easier and relaxing to just turn on the TV than to run around town all evening. I don't particularly like that Aiden is watching more TV than he used to, but I'm not going to fight with Ethan over it while he's got his mind preoccupied with all things explosive. When he graduates in a few months and we get stationed somewhere new things will definitely change. Until then I can just grin and bear it.

 I don't know how to schedule a post while I'm gone {although I'm sure it is super easy} so I will be posting a lot over the next few days. I hope that you can bear with me while I add the days I've missed over two or three days so that I can catch up.