Monday, June 25, 2012

Father's Day A Week Later

So on Father's Day we couldn't do anything I had planned because of Ethan having a PFT and weigh in coming up...he couldn't splurge like I had planned. So we agreed we would do it the next weekend.

Now Ethan really hates getting gifts. He hates holidays and birthdays where people feel obligated to get him anything. I know this. I have known this since we started getting serious all those years ago. And I fight it. I drives me insane. I love that he doesn't expect certain things and there isn't a greedy bone in his body, but it makes me crazy that on occasion I like to spoil him. It makes me feel good. I'm a giver.

This time I decided not to fight him on this. I mean we won't have many holidays together this year, I wanted to make the ones we do have memorable while he's gone. So no presents. Sadly our printer is broken somehow so I couldn't even print out that Daddy survey, but he did get to at least read it on here. I'll have to wait and maybe send it in a care package later on.

Instead of a gift, I gave him a day. I planned an awesome day filled with fun that the three of us {and Loki too} could do as a family. Since you know, he wouldn't be a father without his family. :-) Ethan loves camping and we never get to do it. We went before we got married, but then the military makes it hard to plan these things sometimes and having a kid and all that...we just haven't gone in a long time. Since I have pretty much no idea of the area around Camp Pendleton when it comes to outdoorsy stuff {Did you know there's a Marina on base? I didn't.} I decided to just make it easy and bring the camping to me.

Aiden and I decorated the living room before Ethan came home from work on Friday, and we even dressed in a "camping theme."

Aiden was so excited that we could camp "in the woods." I definitely got extra Mama points for it. When Ethan came home it was time to set up the tent. 

Loki and I were awesome cheerleaders while they boys did all the work. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. 

After the tent was set up I told Ethan that he could pick dinner. So we headed over to In N Out for some good 'ol Animal Style burgers. Then it was time to get to camping. I was very adament about not watching tv or playing on our phones since those wouldn't be out in camping anyways - at least not the camping Ethan and I used to do. Super Hero Squad Chutes & Ladders, Candy Land, and Uno just seemed so much more fun when playing inside the tent. 

After games it was getting late, but I still had one last camping staple hidden in the closet. S'mores!! 

Then it was bedtime for this tired and happy family. Ethan made the tent comfortable while Aiden and I got ready for bed. We all snuggled in with a few books and a lot of stuffed animals. Monster passed out pretty much immediately. 

All in all it was a great success. Ethan said it was one of the best Father's Days he's had. And best of all, there was no fighting about gifts. 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

What Aiden Thinks About His Daddy

So it's a well known fact: I am a Pinterest addict. I've given up on trying to deny this simple fact. I simply love the awesome ideas I get - especially new recipes and crafts. So I've been browsing lately and since it's practically Father's Day {on Sunday} there's been a ton of Father's Day questionaires. The answers some of these kids have about their Dads got me to thinking. What does Aiden think about Ethan? How does he view the most important man in his life at his wizened age of 4 years?

So while Ethan is gone I have compiled my own list of questions for Aiden to answer. I was slightly surprised at how in-tune to Ethan he is, even if he still puts his child's view on his answers. This Monster is a smart cookie! I think I'm going to find a creative way to give him the questionaire since Ethan despises presents of any sort. He'll get a laugh out of this, and it will be free. Which is always good with my silly frugal man.

Father's Day 2011
  • My Daddy's name is Ethan
  • He is 14 ft and 4 inches tall.
  • He is 24 years old. 
  • He weighs 100 pounds. 
  • He has brown eyes.
  • He doesn't have any hair because he's bald
  • My Daddy likes to go to the movie theater with us.
  • His favorite movie is The Avengers.
  • Daddy's favorite restaurant is Souplantation.
  • His favorite food is vegetables!
  • Daddy's favorite dessert is vanilla beans.
  • Daddy's favorite thing to drink is beer
  • For fun Daddy likes to play puzzles with me.
  • His favorite game to play is the shooting game {Call of Duty: Modern Warfare}.
  • His favorite sport is fighting {UFC/WEC}.
  • At his job, my Daddy breaks bombs when he's wearing his work helmet.
  • Daddy likes to wear cammies when goes to work and school, and regular clothes when he is at home.
  • Daddy's favorite color is blue. He thinks it is clear, but clear isn't a color
  • Daddy knows how to shoot guns.
  • Daddy doesn't like it when Loki bites him.
  • Daddy's favorite animal is a lion.
  • My favorite thing to do with Daddy is going on adventures together.
  • One day Daddy will come home and sing me a lullaby.
  • I will always be happy with my Daddy
  • Daddy is special because he is my Daddy, silly!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Weekend Recap

This weekend was actually pretty great. There were a few tears, but mostly just laughter and love. It has definitely been the best two days I've had since this whole baby mess started.

Saturday I had some really great friends over for dinner. We made this super delicious Spicy Cauliflower Mac N Cheese from Lemon and Lace. Seriously it was amaze-balls. I've had it for lunch both Sunday and today. Yummy!! And the best part? All three kids ate it {mostly} with little to no complaining. We drank wine and just had some nice girl time while the kids wore themselves out upstairs.

We decided to have an impromptu sleepover so the kids piled up in Aiden's room together and we stayed up til around 2 watching Grey's Anatomy, which I am totally hooked on all over again. Thanks Netflix!

Sunday we woke up later than planned so we decided to go to the evening church service up in Lake Forest. Instead we had a lazy day. Waffles for breakfast, and another round of Grey's while the kids played upstairs and watched movies. I didn't change out of my pajamas until after 3 pm.

I had never been to the evening service {that is geared specifically for the younger church crowd, 35 and younger} so I was pretty excited. We grabbed some Del Taco on the way up there, which is also a plus since they have yummy chicken tacos. When we got there I was completely blown away by the size of the church. When we lived in Memphis my parents took us to a huge church - one of the biggest in Memphis I think - but compared to Saddleback, it was small.

Sadly we had the time wrong so we got there halfway through the service, but it was still an awesome sermon. I love watching Pastor Rick in action. There's just this fire about him that gets you excited to learn and grow in the Lord. And the worship...gave me goosebumps. Pastor Rick was baptizing people after service and we watched for a few minutes before the kids all decided they wanted to get in the water we explored the campus a bit. I have to say it is just simply stunning.

Once the Monster was put in bed, I was listening to music and missing Ethan when he called me! Ah I was so excited because he told me he wouldn't be able to call until he is on is way home this weekend. Seriously it just made such a perfect ending to a really awesome weekend.

I can slowly feel the healing start, and I'm not complaining one bit.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Just Staying Focused

So to start off, I'm slowly re-doing my blog. I haven't been writing for so long that I just wanted a change. So what do you think?? My beautiful header is all thanks to my awesome cousin Bailey!!

The bleeding has finally stopped. The physical pain is gone. All of the pregnancy symptoms have left, which is a good thing, and a bad thing at the same time. Yesterday I literally cried for 4 hours, but when I was done I felt a little better. I'm really trying hard to stick to my guns about the getting healthy. I was doing really really well before this miscarriage. Now every day is a new struggle. I have to force myself to look away from the cookies and chips, and reach for a fruit or a few graham crackers. I have discovered that Nutella on Saltines is ah-mazing!

As proof of just how important the right foods are for losing weight and being healthy, I have lost 2 pounds in 3 days. Just from cutting out the crap {no more stupid Oreos or pizza or Lay's} and drinking only water. Totally great right??

Anyways, Aiden is sick today. The day I finally start feeling like a human being again, and the poor kid gets a fever. Again. Did I mention he had a fever last week during my miscarriage? I don't know if it's the back and forth of the weather here or what, but it's driving me nuts. And he is so sad that he can't go play with his friends and do fun things until the fever is gone.

So today we are having a sick/lazy/cleaning day. How do you have a lazy and cleaning day, you ask? Well that's easy. You only do laundry so that you can just sit on your butt and fold clothes. Genius right?! You get something done, but it's nothing too tedious like sweeping and mopping.

Today I am going to focus on something good, otherwise I will swallow myself up in the bad. I'm really really really missing Ethan today. With everything that's gone on I really just need to curl up on his arms and cry and nap and just be loved. He is my rock. He is my strength. He really is the true love of my life. Even when things are bad, they're always a bit better when he's with me.

So today I will focus on my never ending love for my husband, and thank God as many times as I can for bringing him into my life. He really did save me from the really tough life I was heading for. Call me crazy or a total cheeseball, but I truly 100% believe that we were made for each other. He was at my parents' wedding 5 months before I was even conceived! Of course he was a baby, but his name is in their wedding book. We were in the same church when we were babies. When my parents divorced, and we moved back to Texas, I became best friends with his sister, by chance. He even helped me with a previous boyfriend. Then we became friends, and then eventually more. Everything in my life {as far as I can see} has led me to him.

These are the moments I will focus on today, and the only reason I will be sad is that he isn't here with me today to share in this love.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Getting Back On My Grind

I have been steadily working out and losing weight since I decided I needed to change back in February. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hated for Ethan to see me without clothes on. I didn't even want to go out in public because I felt ashamed of myself.

I woke up one morning and decided I wasn't going to feel that way anymore. I have an awesome group of friends {ADW whaaaaaaat!} that are so supportive and have taught me so much about myself and how to get healthy. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. And sometimes it is really hard.

With this whole miscarriage thing I have completely lost all motivation. I went from eating healthy and working out every day (before the pregnancy where I literally puked after 12 minutes on the elliptical) to eating. And worse than just eating, I depression ate.

This last week I literally ate pizza for lunch and dinner for four days, and I went through two packages of Oreos. And then of course I gained 3 pounds. In a week!! Of course I have no one to blame but myself. I take full responsibility for my actions, as gross as they are.

So today marks the restart of my getting healthy. I am counting calories, paying attention to what I eat, and am keeping a food diary. As soon as I'm cleared for working out you best believe I'll be working my way up to 45-60 minutes on the elliptical and Zumba. I'll start back on my strength training as well.

I will not let this miscarriage completely erase everything that I have worked so hard for. Depression will not win this round.

Monday, June 4, 2012

My Own Therapy

There are times when words fail me. Sometimes I have no idea how to express my feelings. I can tell you that my heart is broken. I can tell you that I cry at night when I'm laying alone thinking about the baby. I can tell you that I miss my husband so much that it leaves an ache in my stomach. But I just can't talk about how I feel about the baby yet, other than that I am fighting a deep dark depression from taking over my life. I can't afford to lose it all when I am at home with Monster.

I have been using my son as my source of strength. I can't allow myself to break down because he wouldn't be able to make it without me. If I gave up like I did when Ethan left way back when...he would know it. He isn't a tiny baby that doesn't understand what crying even means. He can't just stay in his playpen and sleep and play while I completely shut down and detach myself from the world. So I have no choice but to be strong for him.

So in my weakest moments I listen to music. It is the one comfort that I constantly have. It's my special brand of therapy. All I have to do is turn on the computer or the radio or my phone and there is music to feed my mood. There's a song that can say exactly what I'm feeling, when I don't even know myself.

These are the two songs that are keeping me going. They still make me cry at times, but they also make me stronger. I know that I will move past this. I know that this sharp pain in my chest that is hard to even breathe around will eventually fade. One day I will look back and "see how You've brought beauty from ashes, and made me as gold purified through these flames."

"After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again and there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain."

"And as Your mercy falls I'll praise the God who gives and takes away. And I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm." 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

You Don't Know What To Say? It's Okay

I am quickly learning that people really just have no clue. We want to help each other and be there for each other, but we just don't know how. And you know what? That's okay. We don't have to have the answers all the time.

I have also quickly learned that if you've never been through what someone else has, you just can't truly understand how they feel. You can sympathize and feel awful for them, but you just don't know what they are feeling and going through because you haven't been there.

Friends of mine, and even people I hardly know have been trying to comfort me over the past week or so over the miscarriage. They love me in their own way and they just want to show it the best way that they know how. I understand this and I appreciate it. But there is a fine line between what is meant to be a kind word, and what is just unacceptable to say to me at this time.

You know that saying your mom used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" - that applies here. If you don't know what to say, then just tell me that. Tell me that you love me and that you're thinking about me, but you just don't have the words to comfort me. Don't tell me that I'm lucky I wasn't very far along. Or that at least I know that I can get pregnant. Or that your friend had it so much worse so I should be thankful.

There isn't any possible way that that makes me lucky. There's no way that because I was able to talk to my husband on the phone three times or see him for a few hours, I have this any easier than someone. I don't compare my pain to anyone else's except my own. Please do the same.

If we went by my due date, I was 13 weeks pregnant. The baby was only 6 weeks and 3 days.

What some people don't seem to realize is that no matter how far along I was, the fact is that I lost a baby. It doesn't matter if I was 2 months, 7 months, or made it full term and had a stillbirth. My baby is dead. And that is a terrible thing.

It's okay for me to mourn. It's okay for me to cry. And however long it takes me to heal, just be here for me. Give me a hug. Call or text me just to let me know that you're thinking of me. Don't disappear and don't try to make me feel better. Run your words through your head. If it would hurt you, then just don't say them to me right now. Give me some time to get past all of this, and then talk to me about how this could be a blessing in disguise.

I believe in God. I trust in Him. I trust that he has a plan for me, and eventually I hope to understand why this happened. But if I don't I am comforted in the fact that He does.

Just love me. That's what I need.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

It's Not Rainbows And Butterflies

Most of you in the blogging world don't know this, but in April I took pregnancy test and it was positive. After all of the doctors I saw last year, after finally being diagnosed with an infertility disease and being told I would never be able to get pregnant without the help of drugs, I was pregnant.

Then there was a problem. At my first ultrasound the baby was measuring much too small for where they expected me to be. It was just a simple mistake, the due date was wrong. No big deal.

At my next appointment the baby hadn't grown. A week later and it was still measuring the same and my hCG levels weren't rising fast enough to make the doctors happy. They sent me home with no hope. My baby was going to die, if it wasn't already dead. I was going to have a miscarriage.

On May 29, 2012 - mine and Ethan's 9 year anniversary of us dating - I lost our baby. I was alone and sick with a sick child.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm trying to work through it all, but it hurts so bad. I have no more tears left to cry. The skin below my eyes is constantly red and there are tiny cracks that burn whenever a tear slips out. I stood in the shower for an hour and a half yesterday, not feeling the cold water running down my back. I didn't feel anything.

My friends don't really know what to say. Some of the things they tell me...they don't realize how cruel their words really are. They don't mean it the way it comes across. So I'm finding it easier to just not talk to my friends. And that's bad. I need the love. I need the support. I need to not be alone like I have been.

And yet through all of this pain I am thankful. I am thankful that I had even the briefest moment to be that baby's Mama. I am thankful that I was even able to get pregnant on my own without the help of Clomid or IVF. I thank God every single day for my amazing little boy. I have my miracle baby, and now I have my angel baby.