Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

I received a very very unexpected message on Facebook from someone I never thought I would hear from again.


Yes that Krystal. The one I wrote a letter to last year here. The one who ruined me and made me stronger at the same time. The one that I was fine never speaking to again.

She wrote me a message on Facebook to let me know that she is sorry for "what it's worth" that she had to "get it off her chest."

She might really mean those words. Because trust me, she has every f*cking reason to be sorry. She tried to ruin a marriage. She legitimately tried to break up a family. She threatened me and our son {who was 9 months old at the time} because Ethan wouldn't come back to her. She stalked us. She spread disease over our life (literally and metaphorically) and that just can't be forgotten.

Perhaps she finally has a grasp on just what exactly she did. Maybe she's going through the same thing she put me through {karma is a bitch after all} and she understands now how horrible she was. Maybe she has had some serious counselling and this is part of her own healing process.

I'm not sure her reasons for apologizing, and while it is appreciated just because it's nice to know that she recognizes she was a skanky excuse for a human being at that time, I can't help but feel like it's not sincere. If she was truly sorry where was this apology 3 years ago?? Or maybe a year ago when we came across each other between our mutual friends? I mean Facebook is a super teeny tiny world. It's not like she couldn't just look me up any time she felt guilty.

So Why now? Why does she want to mend bridges now? And why would she think she even could?

I've moved on. I can't see myself ever becoming her friend, or even pretending to be. I want nothing more to do with that part of our past. I am a completely different person now. I've grown up. I am a woman, not a lost little girl.

I am at war with myself whether or not to even reply back to her. I don't want to open that can of worms. I have been perfectly happy pretending she doesn't exist for the past 3 years. At the same time though, I would like to tell her that the apology is appreciated but that I just can't forget the things she did and that I have no intention of carrying on any time of forced friendship or whatever it is she wants from me. I don't think I can ever forgive her fully, I just keep moving farther and farther from the past.

"I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round." 

"Cause if  it wasn't for all that you tried to do I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. Makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter."

Sunday, January 15, 2012

This Is Gonna Take Some Getting Used To

I really like it here in Cali - or SoCal as I've been told to call it. I honestly do. It seems really laid back here for the most part. The people here aren't as friendly as I'm used to back in Texas or even North Carolina, but I kind of got used to that living in Florida. It's not that they aren't friendly, but when I say hello to someone in the store I get completely ignored. In Texas you always say hello (or howdy) back. I mean it's just common courtesy. But on to another point before I bring drama to my newly {re-opening?} of my blog.

Anyways it's nice here. The weather isn't too awful. The scenery is gorgeous.

BUT it's still going to take some getting used to.

I'm used to small town Florida, and before that small town North Carolina. I-5 scares me. People drive so fast here! Like we were doing about 15 mph over and were still getting passed like we were old grandparents.

There's no space between towns either. I noticed that today as we took a drive up a little past Irvine. With the exception of the 18 or so miles of highway that goes past Camp Pendleton, there is literally town after town. You don't have a chance to breathe before you're right back in another city.

It seems like everything here is more expensive as well. I mean I was warned about that, but seeing it in person is a real eye opener. Leave it to us to buy a brand new truck and then get to California and cringe at $3.67 a gallon. Good job us!!

I guess I'm experiencing a bit of culture shock. I have a feeling that after 4 years when we move again I'll be thinking how po-dunk any other state is. There's definitely never a short of things to do around here.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Back At It Again

So here I am again. The blogging bug has bitten me and I can't seem to shake it. Things are starting to settle down again and I really have this need to just put my thoughts out to the universe and anyone who still would read this blog. 

Things have changed. I have changed. 

My last post on here was in August. We lived in Florida. Ethan was still going through EOD School. I was sad and lonely. I was having a hard time coping with PCOS and I couldn't come to terms with some of the issues that stemmed from my diagnosis. 

Here it is, the 12th day of 2012, and I'm happy to say that those days are behind me. Ethan has graduated school. He is an EOD Tech now :-)  We moved clear across the country from paradise in Florida to sunny Southern California. The new year really is a brand new start for us, and I'm so ready to see what amazing-ness 2012 will hold. 

Most importantly (because this is my blog after all) I am much happier with myself. I have learned to deal with my PCOS and I refuse to let it run my life. Since my diagnosis I am learning to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm losing weight and I'm feeling great. I have really fallen in love with Zumba. Ethan even loves it! After the beginning of the weight loss I also chopped 14 inches off of my hair so I'm definitely ready for this fresh new start in California. 

From the time we got to FL to our last month

At the moment I am sitting on our poor torn up couch, with tons of brown cardboard boxes containing most of our life surrounding me. Right now we are dealing with a pretty bad move experience. A lot of our stuff has been damaged, completely broken, or lost, so that's not fun. But we are loving our new house (on base) and the area. I'm looking forward to our exploring adventures to come, and then of course the blog posts that will follow. :-)