Sunday, July 24, 2011

{no name because I'm lazy}

I'm restless.

There I've said it.

I need a change in my life, and I'm not sure what that change could be. I am really loving our life in Florida right now. Ethan is doing really well in EOD school *knocks on wood* {Yes I'm superstitious cautious.} He seems to be really loving it as well, although now he's getting into the for real nitty gritty serious part of school so he comes home with a slightly blank stare in his eye, and a little bit of smoke coming out of his ears from the brain frying during the day.

Aiden is becoming more and more independent every day. He is his own little opinionated person, and although it is slightly frustrating, I have to admit it is a blessing. He likes to do his own thing. He likes to play in his room alone. And dear God does that boy have an imagination! It surprises me every day the things that he can come up with. He does have his meltdowns and we are definitely entering into the bossy/bratty three-year-old stage, but I still love him. Of course, I always will.

I'm even happy. Inside (for the most part) and out. I'm staying busy, I have a great group of friends here that are helping to keep me sane, even if they don't know it. I love our house. I love the town we live in. I love the fact that it is technically a small town, but we're 5 minutes from the "city" with all that comes along with it. I love the weather, although I complain about it constantly. I love the white sandy beaches and the pristine water. I find myself smiling all of the time. I love my job. I love my family. I love it all.

....And yet I find myself yearning for something more. Something inside myself that needs to either be filled, or set free. Anyone reading this who knew me in North Carolina might even be surprised at the way I am now because of how I was in that place. Perhaps even my readers who have stuck around since the beginning - maybe you've noticed the subtle change in me. I was a shy, quiet, lonely girl. I didn't stand up for myself the way I should have. I let people walk all over me. I kept to myself and I saw and experienced things I would never wish on anyone {except perhaps that one girl...}

North Carolina, or more specifically Cherry Point, broke something inside of me. I will never be the same, but just in the 4 months that we have lived in Florida I have changed. I've grown. I've opened myself up. I'm learning to trust. I'm allowing myself to have fun without trying to be someone I'm not.

Florida has begun to heal that brokenness inside of me. I can breathe a little easier here. Maybe it's because no one knows my business here. No one looks at me and thinks God how could she live with herself after what he did to her? or She must be either be desperate or has no respect for herself to stay with him. Because that's how I feel people felt about me. Maybe they still do, but I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. Those people don't know the real me. I didn't even know the real me, but I'm beginning to learn things about myself that I never knew.

I still feel fat and disgusting. I still feel unattractive and manly. I still have a lot to work on, but I am beginning to like the woman that is emerging into the light. I have my bad days, more so than perhaps some of my friends, but I try to keep ahead of the darkness. Then again maybe a little darkness would keep me balanced. Who knows. Now I'm rambling so I'll sign off for now.

Maybe this is what I need from time to time. A quiet spot in the house in the middle of the night to create. I love writing and I haven't done it for so long. I'm hoping that this is the part of me that needs to be set free. May be I just need to let my thought out and let my voice be heard.

So I send these random, perhaps useless thoughts out into the vast Internet universe. Maybe someone out there will understand what I'm going through.

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