Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

I received a very very unexpected message on Facebook from someone I never thought I would hear from again.

Krystal. 

Yes that Krystal. The one I wrote a letter to last year here. The one who ruined me and made me stronger at the same time. The one that I was fine never speaking to again.

She wrote me a message on Facebook to let me know that she is sorry for "what it's worth" that she had to "get it off her chest."

She might really mean those words. Because trust me, she has every f*cking reason to be sorry. She tried to ruin a marriage. She legitimately tried to break up a family. She threatened me and our son {who was 9 months old at the time} because Ethan wouldn't come back to her. She stalked us. She spread disease over our life (literally and metaphorically) and that just can't be forgotten.

Perhaps she finally has a grasp on just what exactly she did. Maybe she's going through the same thing she put me through {karma is a bitch after all} and she understands now how horrible she was. Maybe she has had some serious counselling and this is part of her own healing process.

I'm not sure her reasons for apologizing, and while it is appreciated just because it's nice to know that she recognizes she was a skanky excuse for a human being at that time, I can't help but feel like it's not sincere. If she was truly sorry where was this apology 3 years ago?? Or maybe a year ago when we came across each other between our mutual friends? I mean Facebook is a super teeny tiny world. It's not like she couldn't just look me up any time she felt guilty.

So Why now? Why does she want to mend bridges now? And why would she think she even could?

I've moved on. I can't see myself ever becoming her friend, or even pretending to be. I want nothing more to do with that part of our past. I am a completely different person now. I've grown up. I am a woman, not a lost little girl.

I am at war with myself whether or not to even reply back to her. I don't want to open that can of worms. I have been perfectly happy pretending she doesn't exist for the past 3 years. At the same time though, I would like to tell her that the apology is appreciated but that I just can't forget the things she did and that I have no intention of carrying on any time of forced friendship or whatever it is she wants from me. I don't think I can ever forgive her fully, I just keep moving farther and farther from the past.

"I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round." 


"Cause if  it wasn't for all that you tried to do I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. Makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter."

4 comments:

  1. I really did mean those words and I don't expect forgiveness or to be friends. I don't know why I choose that time to say them either but I do know that Im not the same person you met/knew those years ago. I know what I did was wrong and for that I am truly sorry. You can say whatever you want about me and I'll still thank you because I like the person I am today (not the person I was back then)I find it completely ironic that my husband and I had a baby girl on 3/8 and that we are both currently preganat and due in Decemeber. I believe life truly does work in mystirous ways. I do wish you would reply so we could lay out all the cards on the table and just clear the air. You were a good person and a friend and I fucked that up.

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    1. I'm not quite sure its your place to compare you and laurens life. You have no place in her life at all. I dont care how "sorry" you are, you will have to spend the rest of your life apologizing for the shit you did. Its not "Ironic" that you both have kids the same age. Lauren is a great person and she doesnt have to "clear the air" just because you want to, if she chooses not to, then leave her alone. Stop bringing up the past

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  2. I agree "anonymous"...she doesn't have to clear the air and Im not forcing her to do anything so how about you shut the fuck up and mind your business because this conversation has nothing to do with you or your opinion :)

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    1. I messaged you...lay the cards out.

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