I am quickly learning that people really just have no clue. We want to help each other and be there for each other, but we just don't know how. And you know what? That's okay. We don't have to have the answers all the time.
I have also quickly learned that if you've never been through what someone else has, you just can't truly understand how they feel. You can sympathize and feel awful for them, but you just don't know what they are feeling and going through because you haven't been there.
Friends of mine, and even people I hardly know have been trying to comfort me over the past week or so over the miscarriage. They love me in their own way and they just want to show it the best way that they know how. I understand this and I appreciate it. But there is a fine line between what is meant to be a kind word, and what is just unacceptable to say to me at this time.
You know that saying your mom used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" - that applies here. If you don't know what to say, then just tell me that. Tell me that you love me and that you're thinking about me, but you just don't have the words to comfort me. Don't tell me that I'm lucky I wasn't very far along. Or that at least I know that I can get pregnant. Or that your friend had it so much worse so I should be thankful.
There isn't any possible way that that makes me lucky. There's no way that because I was able to talk to my husband on the phone three times or see him for a few hours, I have this any easier than someone. I don't compare my pain to anyone else's except my own. Please do the same.
If we went by my due date, I was 13 weeks pregnant. The baby was only 6 weeks and 3 days.
What some people don't seem to realize is that no matter how far along I was, the fact is that I lost a baby. It doesn't matter if I was 2 months, 7 months, or made it full term and had a stillbirth. My baby is dead. And that is a terrible thing.
It's okay for me to mourn. It's okay for me to cry. And however long it takes me to heal, just be here for me. Give me a hug. Call or text me just to let me know that you're thinking of me. Don't disappear and don't try to make me feel better. Run your words through your head. If it would hurt you, then just don't say them to me right now. Give me some time to get past all of this, and then talk to me about how this could be a blessing in disguise.
I believe in God. I trust in Him. I trust that he has a plan for me, and eventually I hope to understand why this happened. But if I don't I am comforted in the fact that He does.
Just love me. That's what I need.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
It's Not Rainbows And Butterflies
Most of you in the blogging world don't know this, but in April I took pregnancy test and it was positive. After all of the doctors I saw last year, after finally being diagnosed with an infertility disease and being told I would never be able to get pregnant without the help of drugs, I was pregnant.
Then there was a problem. At my first ultrasound the baby was measuring much too small for where they expected me to be. It was just a simple mistake, the due date was wrong. No big deal.
At my next appointment the baby hadn't grown. A week later and it was still measuring the same and my hCG levels weren't rising fast enough to make the doctors happy. They sent me home with no hope. My baby was going to die, if it wasn't already dead. I was going to have a miscarriage.
On May 29, 2012 - mine and Ethan's 9 year anniversary of us dating - I lost our baby. I was alone and sick with a sick child.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm trying to work through it all, but it hurts so bad. I have no more tears left to cry. The skin below my eyes is constantly red and there are tiny cracks that burn whenever a tear slips out. I stood in the shower for an hour and a half yesterday, not feeling the cold water running down my back. I didn't feel anything.
My friends don't really know what to say. Some of the things they tell me...they don't realize how cruel their words really are. They don't mean it the way it comes across. So I'm finding it easier to just not talk to my friends. And that's bad. I need the love. I need the support. I need to not be alone like I have been.
And yet through all of this pain I am thankful. I am thankful that I had even the briefest moment to be that baby's Mama. I am thankful that I was even able to get pregnant on my own without the help of Clomid or IVF. I thank God every single day for my amazing little boy. I have my miracle baby, and now I have my angel baby.
Then there was a problem. At my first ultrasound the baby was measuring much too small for where they expected me to be. It was just a simple mistake, the due date was wrong. No big deal.
At my next appointment the baby hadn't grown. A week later and it was still measuring the same and my hCG levels weren't rising fast enough to make the doctors happy. They sent me home with no hope. My baby was going to die, if it wasn't already dead. I was going to have a miscarriage.
On May 29, 2012 - mine and Ethan's 9 year anniversary of us dating - I lost our baby. I was alone and sick with a sick child.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm trying to work through it all, but it hurts so bad. I have no more tears left to cry. The skin below my eyes is constantly red and there are tiny cracks that burn whenever a tear slips out. I stood in the shower for an hour and a half yesterday, not feeling the cold water running down my back. I didn't feel anything.
My friends don't really know what to say. Some of the things they tell me...they don't realize how cruel their words really are. They don't mean it the way it comes across. So I'm finding it easier to just not talk to my friends. And that's bad. I need the love. I need the support. I need to not be alone like I have been.
And yet through all of this pain I am thankful. I am thankful that I had even the briefest moment to be that baby's Mama. I am thankful that I was even able to get pregnant on my own without the help of Clomid or IVF. I thank God every single day for my amazing little boy. I have my miracle baby, and now I have my angel baby.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The New Love In Our Lives
Introducing the newest member of our family:
Loki
Monster is soooooo happy. They play together all day. He has a new best friend <3
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I'm Not Ready To Make Nice
I received a very very unexpected message on Facebook from someone I never thought I would hear from again.
Krystal.
Yes that Krystal. The one I wrote a letter to last year here. The one who ruined me and made me stronger at the same time. The one that I was fine never speaking to again.
She wrote me a message on Facebook to let me know that she is sorry for "what it's worth" that she had to "get it off her chest."
She might really mean those words. Because trust me, she has every f*cking reason to be sorry. She tried to ruin a marriage. She legitimately tried to break up a family. She threatened me and our son {who was 9 months old at the time} because Ethan wouldn't come back to her. She stalked us. She spread disease over our life (literally and metaphorically) and that just can't be forgotten.
Perhaps she finally has a grasp on just what exactly she did. Maybe she's going through the same thing she put me through {karma is a bitch after all} and she understands now how horrible she was. Maybe she has had some serious counselling and this is part of her own healing process.
I'm not sure her reasons for apologizing, and while it is appreciated just because it's nice to know that she recognizes she was a skanky excuse for a human being at that time, I can't help but feel like it's not sincere. If she was truly sorry where was this apology 3 years ago?? Or maybe a year ago when we came across each other between our mutual friends? I mean Facebook is a super teeny tiny world. It's not like she couldn't just look me up any time she felt guilty.
So Why now? Why does she want to mend bridges now? And why would she think she even could?
I've moved on. I can't see myself ever becoming her friend, or even pretending to be. I want nothing more to do with that part of our past. I am a completely different person now. I've grown up. I am a woman, not a lost little girl.
I am at war with myself whether or not to even reply back to her. I don't want to open that can of worms. I have been perfectly happy pretending she doesn't exist for the past 3 years. At the same time though, I would like to tell her that the apology is appreciated but that I just can't forget the things she did and that I have no intention of carrying on any time of forced friendship or whatever it is she wants from me. I don't think I can ever forgive her fully, I just keep moving farther and farther from the past.
"I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round."
"Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. Makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter."
Krystal.
Yes that Krystal. The one I wrote a letter to last year here. The one who ruined me and made me stronger at the same time. The one that I was fine never speaking to again.
She wrote me a message on Facebook to let me know that she is sorry for "what it's worth" that she had to "get it off her chest."
She might really mean those words. Because trust me, she has every f*cking reason to be sorry. She tried to ruin a marriage. She legitimately tried to break up a family. She threatened me and our son {who was 9 months old at the time} because Ethan wouldn't come back to her. She stalked us. She spread disease over our life (literally and metaphorically) and that just can't be forgotten.
Perhaps she finally has a grasp on just what exactly she did. Maybe she's going through the same thing she put me through {karma is a bitch after all} and she understands now how horrible she was. Maybe she has had some serious counselling and this is part of her own healing process.
I'm not sure her reasons for apologizing, and while it is appreciated just because it's nice to know that she recognizes she was a skanky excuse for a human being at that time, I can't help but feel like it's not sincere. If she was truly sorry where was this apology 3 years ago?? Or maybe a year ago when we came across each other between our mutual friends? I mean Facebook is a super teeny tiny world. It's not like she couldn't just look me up any time she felt guilty.
So Why now? Why does she want to mend bridges now? And why would she think she even could?
I've moved on. I can't see myself ever becoming her friend, or even pretending to be. I want nothing more to do with that part of our past. I am a completely different person now. I've grown up. I am a woman, not a lost little girl.
I am at war with myself whether or not to even reply back to her. I don't want to open that can of worms. I have been perfectly happy pretending she doesn't exist for the past 3 years. At the same time though, I would like to tell her that the apology is appreciated but that I just can't forget the things she did and that I have no intention of carrying on any time of forced friendship or whatever it is she wants from me. I don't think I can ever forgive her fully, I just keep moving farther and farther from the past.
"I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round."
"Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. Makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter."
Sunday, January 15, 2012
This Is Gonna Take Some Getting Used To
I really like it here in Cali - or SoCal as I've been told to call it. I honestly do. It seems really laid back here for the most part. The people here aren't as friendly as I'm used to back in Texas or even North Carolina, but I kind of got used to that living in Florida. It's not that they aren't friendly, but when I say hello to someone in the store I get completely ignored. In Texas you always say hello (or howdy) back. I mean it's just common courtesy. But on to another point before I bring drama to my newly {re-opening?} of my blog.
Anyways it's nice here. The weather isn't too awful. The scenery is gorgeous.
BUT it's still going to take some getting used to.
I'm used to small town Florida, and before that small town North Carolina. I-5 scares me. People drive so fast here! Like we were doing about 15 mph over and were still getting passed like we were old grandparents.
There's no space between towns either. I noticed that today as we took a drive up a little past Irvine. With the exception of the 18 or so miles of highway that goes past Camp Pendleton, there is literally town after town. You don't have a chance to breathe before you're right back in another city.
It seems like everything here is more expensive as well. I mean I was warned about that, but seeing it in person is a real eye opener. Leave it to us to buy a brand new truck and then get to California and cringe at $3.67 a gallon. Good job us!!
I guess I'm experiencing a bit of culture shock. I have a feeling that after 4 years when we move again I'll be thinking how po-dunk any other state is. There's definitely never a short of things to do around here.
Anyways it's nice here. The weather isn't too awful. The scenery is gorgeous.
BUT it's still going to take some getting used to.
I'm used to small town Florida, and before that small town North Carolina. I-5 scares me. People drive so fast here! Like we were doing about 15 mph over and were still getting passed like we were old grandparents.
There's no space between towns either. I noticed that today as we took a drive up a little past Irvine. With the exception of the 18 or so miles of highway that goes past Camp Pendleton, there is literally town after town. You don't have a chance to breathe before you're right back in another city.
It seems like everything here is more expensive as well. I mean I was warned about that, but seeing it in person is a real eye opener. Leave it to us to buy a brand new truck and then get to California and cringe at $3.67 a gallon. Good job us!!
I guess I'm experiencing a bit of culture shock. I have a feeling that after 4 years when we move again I'll be thinking how po-dunk any other state is. There's definitely never a short of things to do around here.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Back At It Again
So here I am again. The blogging bug has bitten me and I can't seem to shake it. Things are starting to settle down again and I really have this need to just put my thoughts out to the universe and anyone who still would read this blog.
Things have changed. I have changed.
My last post on here was in August. We lived in Florida. Ethan was still going through EOD School. I was sad and lonely. I was having a hard time coping with PCOS and I couldn't come to terms with some of the issues that stemmed from my diagnosis.
Here it is, the 12th day of 2012, and I'm happy to say that those days are behind me. Ethan has graduated school. He is an EOD Tech now :-) We moved clear across the country from paradise in Florida to sunny Southern California. The new year really is a brand new start for us, and I'm so ready to see what amazing-ness 2012 will hold.
Most importantly (because this is my blog after all) I am much happier with myself. I have learned to deal with my PCOS and I refuse to let it run my life. Since my diagnosis I am learning to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm losing weight and I'm feeling great. I have really fallen in love with Zumba. Ethan even loves it! After the beginning of the weight loss I also chopped 14 inches off of my hair so I'm definitely ready for this fresh new start in California.
 |
| From the time we got to FL to our last month |
At the moment I am sitting on our poor torn up couch, with tons of brown cardboard boxes containing most of our life surrounding me. Right now we are dealing with a pretty bad move experience. A lot of our stuff has been damaged, completely broken, or lost, so that's not fun. But we are loving our new house (on base) and the area. I'm looking forward to our exploring adventures to come, and then of course the blog posts that will follow. :-)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
T.T.F.N.
So for most of the people who have followed me for a while you have noticed that I haven't really been blogging at all. Actually I haven't posted in 3 1/2 weeks. In fact most of the people who did follow me haven't really been reading this in a while, which of course I don't blame you. If I can't be bothered to write, then why would I expect you to be bothered to read anything.
Anyways things have been really well. My Scentsy business is flourishing. I have added two new members to my team this month alone. Aiden is growing up super fast. He's got this attitude now that is cute and irritating at the same time. The boy always thinks he's right! I wonder where he got that from... Mine and Ethan's relationship hasn't been this amazing since we were first learning about each other as teenagers. I have Florida to thank for that. We aren't stuck in North Carolina with everyone knowing our past and thinking that they know our future. I am dealing with my PCOS as best as I can. I have lost 11 pounds in the past month and a half and I am determined to keep going. I've gotta look my best for the Marine Corps Ball!
It's been a bittersweet few months. I have two brand new nieces born in June and August. My other niece's 1st birthday is today. I love these little girls so much and at the same time my heart hurts a little that this was the month Ethan and I were supposed to be trying for our own new baby. Obviously that's not happening anymore.
I keep a smile on my face as much as I can. Although there are days when I just want to curl up in bed and cry for days. Sometimes my smile isn't as bright and on the inside I am weeping.
It has become a chore to try to get on here and write something interesting or funny. I feel like when I write anymore it's just about how sad I am. I have to write about it because I can't show it on the outside, and I have to have release somehow. Otherwise I will just crawl inside myself and become the hermit I used to be. And we all know what happened last time I did that...
I am still keeping this blog, but I am going to keep it private for a while. I just need to get things out there without clogging up the Dashboard or people's thoughts with my lonely vibes. Maybe once I can get all of this negative energy out I'll be able to bounce back. I've had the Young But Not Completely Dumb Wordpress account for a while. Maybe I'll switch over to that once I'm feeling better since Blogger has been getting on my nerves the past few months. Anyone who has switched, send me an e-mail if you like Wordpress better.
So for now I am saying goodbye to everyone. The blogging community has been an amazing support system and I'd like to say that I've made quite a few "friends" out there that I hope I don't lose complete touch with. Thank you everyone who has been there to support me and make me smile over the past year.
If you still want to stay in touch there's always Facebook. :-D
Anyways things have been really well. My Scentsy business is flourishing. I have added two new members to my team this month alone. Aiden is growing up super fast. He's got this attitude now that is cute and irritating at the same time. The boy always thinks he's right! I wonder where he got that from... Mine and Ethan's relationship hasn't been this amazing since we were first learning about each other as teenagers. I have Florida to thank for that. We aren't stuck in North Carolina with everyone knowing our past and thinking that they know our future. I am dealing with my PCOS as best as I can. I have lost 11 pounds in the past month and a half and I am determined to keep going. I've gotta look my best for the Marine Corps Ball!
It's been a bittersweet few months. I have two brand new nieces born in June and August. My other niece's 1st birthday is today. I love these little girls so much and at the same time my heart hurts a little that this was the month Ethan and I were supposed to be trying for our own new baby. Obviously that's not happening anymore.
I keep a smile on my face as much as I can. Although there are days when I just want to curl up in bed and cry for days. Sometimes my smile isn't as bright and on the inside I am weeping.
It has become a chore to try to get on here and write something interesting or funny. I feel like when I write anymore it's just about how sad I am. I have to write about it because I can't show it on the outside, and I have to have release somehow. Otherwise I will just crawl inside myself and become the hermit I used to be. And we all know what happened last time I did that...
I am still keeping this blog, but I am going to keep it private for a while. I just need to get things out there without clogging up the Dashboard or people's thoughts with my lonely vibes. Maybe once I can get all of this negative energy out I'll be able to bounce back. I've had the Young But Not Completely Dumb Wordpress account for a while. Maybe I'll switch over to that once I'm feeling better since Blogger has been getting on my nerves the past few months. Anyone who has switched, send me an e-mail if you like Wordpress better.
So for now I am saying goodbye to everyone. The blogging community has been an amazing support system and I'd like to say that I've made quite a few "friends" out there that I hope I don't lose complete touch with. Thank you everyone who has been there to support me and make me smile over the past year.
T.T.F.N - Ta Ta For Now
If you still want to stay in touch there's always Facebook. :-D
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