Saturday, June 2, 2012

It's Not Rainbows And Butterflies

Most of you in the blogging world don't know this, but in April I took pregnancy test and it was positive. After all of the doctors I saw last year, after finally being diagnosed with an infertility disease and being told I would never be able to get pregnant without the help of drugs, I was pregnant.

Then there was a problem. At my first ultrasound the baby was measuring much too small for where they expected me to be. It was just a simple mistake, the due date was wrong. No big deal.

At my next appointment the baby hadn't grown. A week later and it was still measuring the same and my hCG levels weren't rising fast enough to make the doctors happy. They sent me home with no hope. My baby was going to die, if it wasn't already dead. I was going to have a miscarriage.

On May 29, 2012 - mine and Ethan's 9 year anniversary of us dating - I lost our baby. I was alone and sick with a sick child.

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I'm trying to work through it all, but it hurts so bad. I have no more tears left to cry. The skin below my eyes is constantly red and there are tiny cracks that burn whenever a tear slips out. I stood in the shower for an hour and a half yesterday, not feeling the cold water running down my back. I didn't feel anything.

My friends don't really know what to say. Some of the things they tell me...they don't realize how cruel their words really are. They don't mean it the way it comes across. So I'm finding it easier to just not talk to my friends. And that's bad. I need the love. I need the support. I need to not be alone like I have been.

And yet through all of this pain I am thankful. I am thankful that I had even the briefest moment to be that baby's Mama. I am thankful that I was even able to get pregnant on my own without the help of Clomid or IVF. I thank God every single day for my amazing little boy. I have my miracle baby, and now I have my angel baby. 


  1. You don't know me, but I was following your blog for awhile, and was wondering where you had gone! I'm so sorry you had to experience so much--and you're still so young! Just through what I've read on your blog, you seem to be such a sweet person, and I'll be praying for you and your ability to get through this.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. *HUGS*

  3. I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Know that we are praying for you and your family.

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss! We suffered a miscarriage in mid-March and I'm still having a very rough time with it. :(