Thursday, June 16, 2011

Everything Happens For A Reason

Now that I have had a few days to process what all is going on, I'm not feeling as horrible. I mean yes this does suck, but as I am quickly finding out I'm not alone.

Generally, I am a glass half-full type of girl and as my best friend told me yesterday I need to try to find the good in all of this. So that is what I am focusing on. I told Ethan last night as I was making fun of myself that if I can't laugh about everything then I will go crazy.

I am 21 year old. It seems very surreal to think that I will fight for my health for the rest of my life. I don't think that has really hit me yet. I will be treating this, whether with medication or naturally - or even a mix of both - from now on. As much as I like my doctor he didn't really talk to me much about what happens from here. I think partly because he's a man, partly because he is still an intern, and partly because I'm sure PCOS isn't his specialty. I will talk to him next time on if I need to be seen by a gynecologist or something for this.

What I can say is that right now I am really seeing that everything happens for a reason. I really believe that everything that has happened lately in my life has led me up to this moment: sitting here on the couch, listening to "ice cream" {or slow and mostly sad} music, while my son plays with his super hero toys next to me, letting my thoughts escape.

I dropped out of high school when I was 15. Looking back I was selfish and stupid thinking that I didn't need an education. I hated my school and I hated the fact that my mom couldn't find a way for me to transfer and eventually couldn't find the time to check my home school work.

When Ethan decided to join the Marine Corps I was 16. We knew that after he graduated boot camp I would not be able to move with him unless we were married. We had talked about marriage before with each other, but we weren't sure what our parents would think. In fact the reason Ethan joined the Marine Corps at all was because he knew that he wanted to marry me, but he knew that he needed to be able to provide for a family first. After talking it over together and with my parents, Ethan proposed to me a month before my 17th birthday. He left for boot camp 3 months later.

Ethan and I were married on December 9, 2006. He was 19 and I was 17. My mom had to sign the marriage license for me. He went on to MCT and the his MOS school. I moved down to North Carolina in March 2007 and by July 4th we found out I was pregnant. Aiden was born March 8, 2008. I was 18.

I really think that if things hadn't worked out like that I wouldn't have an amazing, sometimes frustrating little boy. I am so very very lucky to have him at all. Maybe we did everything so fast-paced when we were so young so that he could be in this world. God gave us this gift to be thankful for during the dark days ahead.

Aiden is the good in all of this. He always will be. Ethan and I have been planning on trying for another baby when he gets closer to graduating EOD school, but I'm not sure that's in the cards for us anymore. That's been a really hard thing to deal with the past few days. I'm learning that it is possible to still get pregnant with PCOS, but even if I never have another child I know that I'm blessed to be able to have my Monster.

And then even with me starting my blog a year ago, if I hadn't been frustrated and looking for a place to get my thoughts out, I would have never "met" such amazing people who are already showing me that I'm not alone in this. I would be completely lost without the help I'm finding from the blogging community.

I want to say thank you to those who have already helped me by listening to me, wiping my tears away, and giving me words of encouragement. It really means a lot.

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