No Need To Worry

Aiden's new routine every morning is to come into my room, climb in bed, lay his head on my belly, and talk to the baby. Sometimes he just says "Good morning, Sunshine" which is what I say to him in the mornings, and sometimes he carries on conversations. It is the sweetest thing, especially because in the past few days when he talks the baby starts moving around and tapping close to where he is. 

This was his conversation this morning which melted my heart and made me giggle:
"Do you know where your daddy is? He's in Afghanistan. When he comes home he'll probably give you raspberries like he gives me. Daddy is gonna love you when he comes home. Maybe you'll pee on him like all babies do when they're not in diapers. And me and you and Loki are gonna love him."

When Ethan and I first started trying for another baby, I was concerned about the age gap. My dream was always to have my kids no more than 3 years apart. As it took longer and longer to get pregnant, the more I worried. I don't want my kids fighting all the time, but I would like them to get along and have things in common. 

The farther along I get with this pregnancy, the more I see that all of my worries are for nothing. God's timing is perfect for my life. Aiden is the most amazing helper. He has kept me sane throughout this deployment. 

By the time the baby is born Aiden will be five. He'll be starting kindergarten this fall. He has had plenty of time with me and Ethan alone, and has made a ton of memories. I know that there will be an adjustment period, but I don't think there will be much jealousy between him and the baby. Once school starts we will have our own set times to spend together and apart. Each of our kids will get alone time with us. 

Monster has been praying to God for months for a baby brother or sister, and he is the happiest little boy because God answered his prayers. 

I'm so excited to watch the two of them together. Aiden is already talking about how he's going to love and hold the baby, change the diapers, and give baths. He wants to teach the baby how to walk and talk. He is going to be such an amazing big brother. I don't know why I worry. 

Who Knows If I'm Back Or Not But I'm Still Around

2012 was a very rough year for me. 

We moved from Florida to California, which after living in the South all my life was a huge culture shock to me. I hated it here. I couldn't stand the thought of being here for at least 4 years.

When I just started getting used to the idea that I was well and truly stuck here, I got pregnant. We were completely surprised and insanely happy. Then on May 29th, our 9 year anniversary, I had a miscarriage. I was alone while Ethan was at pre-deployment training with a 4 year old that had no idea what was going on. I. Was. Devastated. 

After the miscarriage, I started getting more involved in our church. I was searching for something and I didn't know what, but I couldn't shake the feeling that Saddleback was a place for the healing that I needed. I got myself into a program called Celebrate Recovery, and I slowly started seeings changes in the way I look at life and my past.

In September we went to Texas for two weeks for pre-deployment leave. It was so amazing to be back home surrounded by family and friends that actually care about us. We made some amazing memories.

A few weeks later Ethan deployed and our first EOD deployment began. I have to say that this is completely different than the first deployment when he was admin. EOD is a completely different world altogether, and although it takes some getting used to, I love it. I love the amazing families and how close we get. There have been tragedies in the community this year and I have witnessed how close we all pull together to help one of our own. I hope that when they guys get back I can become closer with more ladies in Ethan's platoon since I won't be the "newbie wife" anymore.

On October 12, 2012 I was shocked to see a plus sign on yet another pregnancy test. Only 4 1/2 months after my miscarriage I was pregnant again.Talk about God's timing, because I sure as hell wasn't expecting to get pregnant. Especially not while being alone again after what happened last time. In fact we had already decided to wait and once he came back we would talk to the doctor about starting Clomid and all that infertility stuff.

Aiden had a rough time getting used to Daddy being gone, but we've gotten into a routine now. We spent Thanksgiving in Las Vegas with Ethan's sister and her family. Christmas was spent together with some very close friends here. It's not the same without him here, but it's such a blessing that we don't have to be alone.

We live for phone calls, video chat dates, emails, and letters. Hearing from Ethan always makes our day better.

The biggest change though in 2012 was me. I have been working on myself both spiritually and physically. I am growing in my relationship with Jesus Christ. My eyes are opening and seeing my past experiences in a different light. I switched to eating gluten-free after finding out that I have a gluten sensitivity and I threw myself into working out, especially after the miscarriage. With two pregnancies, the depression of a miscarriage, and the struggle with PCOS I still have lost 44 pounds this year, and quite a few inches. I look like a completely different person, and even better is that I feel like one. I have an amazing support system to keep me going when I feel like I can't anymore.

Christmas 2011 to Christmas 2012. In the picture on the left I am 13 1/2 weeks pregnant and starting to show. 

2013 will bring so many amazing things into our life. I am so excited for Ethan to come, the baby to be here, and to spend the holidays this year together as a family of four. 

Father's Day A Week Later

So on Father's Day we couldn't do anything I had planned because of Ethan having a PFT and weigh in coming up...he couldn't splurge like I had planned. So we agreed we would do it the next weekend.

Now Ethan really hates getting gifts. He hates holidays and birthdays where people feel obligated to get him anything. I know this. I have known this since we started getting serious all those years ago. And I fight it. I drives me insane. I love that he doesn't expect certain things and there isn't a greedy bone in his body, but it makes me crazy that on occasion I like to spoil him. It makes me feel good. I'm a giver.

This time I decided not to fight him on this. I mean we won't have many holidays together this year, I wanted to make the ones we do have memorable while he's gone. So no presents. Sadly our printer is broken somehow so I couldn't even print out that Daddy survey, but he did get to at least read it on here. I'll have to wait and maybe send it in a care package later on.

Instead of a gift, I gave him a day. I planned an awesome day filled with fun that the three of us {and Loki too} could do as a family. Since you know, he wouldn't be a father without his family. :-) Ethan loves camping and we never get to do it. We went before we got married, but then the military makes it hard to plan these things sometimes and having a kid and all that...we just haven't gone in a long time. Since I have pretty much no idea of the area around Camp Pendleton when it comes to outdoorsy stuff {Did you know there's a Marina on base? I didn't.} I decided to just make it easy and bring the camping to me.

Aiden and I decorated the living room before Ethan came home from work on Friday, and we even dressed in a "camping theme."

Aiden was so excited that we could camp "in the woods." I definitely got extra Mama points for it. When Ethan came home it was time to set up the tent. 

Loki and I were awesome cheerleaders while they boys did all the work. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. 

After the tent was set up I told Ethan that he could pick dinner. So we headed over to In N Out for some good 'ol Animal Style burgers. Then it was time to get to camping. I was very adament about not watching tv or playing on our phones since those wouldn't be out in camping anyways - at least not the camping Ethan and I used to do. Super Hero Squad Chutes & Ladders, Candy Land, and Uno just seemed so much more fun when playing inside the tent. 

After games it was getting late, but I still had one last camping staple hidden in the closet. S'mores!! 

Then it was bedtime for this tired and happy family. Ethan made the tent comfortable while Aiden and I got ready for bed. We all snuggled in with a few books and a lot of stuffed animals. Monster passed out pretty much immediately. 

All in all it was a great success. Ethan said it was one of the best Father's Days he's had. And best of all, there was no fighting about gifts. 

What Aiden Thinks About His Daddy

So it's a well known fact: I am a Pinterest addict. I've given up on trying to deny this simple fact. I simply love the awesome ideas I get - especially new recipes and crafts. So I've been browsing lately and since it's practically Father's Day {on Sunday} there's been a ton of Father's Day questionaires. The answers some of these kids have about their Dads got me to thinking. What does Aiden think about Ethan? How does he view the most important man in his life at his wizened age of 4 years?

So while Ethan is gone I have compiled my own list of questions for Aiden to answer. I was slightly surprised at how in-tune to Ethan he is, even if he still puts his child's view on his answers. This Monster is a smart cookie! I think I'm going to find a creative way to give him the questionaire since Ethan despises presents of any sort. He'll get a laugh out of this, and it will be free. Which is always good with my silly frugal man.

Father's Day 2011

• My Daddy's name is Ethan. 
• He is 14 ft and 4 inches tall.
• He is 24 years old. 
• He weighs 100 pounds. 
• He has brown eyes.
• He doesn't have any hair because he's bald. 
• My Daddy likes to go to the movie theater with us.
• His favorite movie is The Avengers.
• Daddy's favorite restaurant is Souplantation.
• His favorite food is vegetables!
• Daddy's favorite dessert is vanilla beans.
• Daddy's favorite thing to drink is beer. 
• For fun Daddy likes to play puzzles with me.
• His favorite game to play is the shooting game {Call of Duty: Modern Warfare}.
• His favorite sport is fighting {UFC/WEC}.
• At his job, my Daddy breaks bombs when he's wearing his work helmet.
• Daddy likes to wear cammies when goes to work and school, and regular clothes when he is at home.
• Daddy's favorite color is blue. He thinks it is clear, but clear isn't a color. 
• Daddy knows how to shoot guns.
• Daddy doesn't like it when Loki bites him.
• Daddy's favorite animal is a lion.
• My favorite thing to do with Daddy is going on adventures together.
• One day Daddy will come home and sing me a lullaby.
• I will always be happy with my Daddy. 
• Daddy is special because he is my Daddy, silly!

Weekend Recap

This weekend was actually pretty great. There were a few tears, but mostly just laughter and love. It has definitely been the best two days I've had since this whole baby mess started.

Saturday I had some really great friends over for dinner. We made this super delicious Spicy Cauliflower Mac N Cheese from Lemon and Lace. Seriously it was amaze-balls. I've had it for lunch both Sunday and today. Yummy!! And the best part? All three kids ate it {mostly} with little to no complaining. We drank wine and just had some nice girl time while the kids wore themselves out upstairs.

We decided to have an impromptu sleepover so the kids piled up in Aiden's room together and we stayed up til around 2 watching Grey's Anatomy, which I am totally hooked on all over again. Thanks Netflix!

Sunday we woke up later than planned so we decided to go to the evening church service up in Lake Forest. Instead we had a lazy day. Waffles for breakfast, and another round of Grey's while the kids played upstairs and watched movies. I didn't change out of my pajamas until after 3 pm.

I had never been to the evening service {that is geared specifically for the younger church crowd, 35 and younger} so I was pretty excited. We grabbed some Del Taco on the way up there, which is also a plus since they have yummy chicken tacos. When we got there I was completely blown away by the size of the church. When we lived in Memphis my parents took us to a huge church - one of the biggest in Memphis I think - but compared to Saddleback, it was small.

Sadly we had the time wrong so we got there halfway through the service, but it was still an awesome sermon. I love watching Pastor Rick in action. There's just this fire about him that gets you excited to learn and grow in the Lord. And the worship...gave me goosebumps. Pastor Rick was baptizing people after service and we watched for a few minutes before the kids all decided they wanted to get in the water too...so we explored the campus a bit. I have to say it is just simply stunning.

Once the Monster was put in bed, I was listening to music and missing Ethan when he called me! Ah I was so excited because he told me he wouldn't be able to call until he is on is way home this weekend. Seriously it just made such a perfect ending to a really awesome weekend.

I can slowly feel the healing start, and I'm not complaining one bit.

Just Staying Focused

So to start off, I'm slowly re-doing my blog. I haven't been writing for so long that I just wanted a change. So what do you think?? My beautiful header is all thanks to my awesome cousin Bailey!!


The bleeding has finally stopped. The physical pain is gone. All of the pregnancy symptoms have left, which is a good thing, and a bad thing at the same time. Yesterday I literally cried for 4 hours, but when I was done I felt a little better. I'm really trying hard to stick to my guns about the getting healthy. I was doing really really well before this miscarriage. Now every day is a new struggle. I have to force myself to look away from the cookies and chips, and reach for a fruit or a few graham crackers. I have discovered that Nutella on Saltines is ah-mazing!

As proof of just how important the right foods are for losing weight and being healthy, I have lost 2 pounds in 3 days. Just from cutting out the crap {no more stupid Oreos or pizza or Lay's} and drinking only water. Totally great right??

Anyways, Aiden is sick today. The day I finally start feeling like a human being again, and the poor kid gets a fever. Again. Did I mention he had a fever last week during my miscarriage? I don't know if it's the back and forth of the weather here or what, but it's driving me nuts. And he is so sad that he can't go play with his friends and do fun things until the fever is gone.

So today we are having a sick/lazy/cleaning day. How do you have a lazy and cleaning day, you ask? Well that's easy. You only do laundry so that you can just sit on your butt and fold clothes. Genius right?! You get something done, but it's nothing too tedious like sweeping and mopping.

Today I am going to focus on something good, otherwise I will swallow myself up in the bad. I'm really really really missing Ethan today. With everything that's gone on I really just need to curl up on his arms and cry and nap and just be loved. He is my rock. He is my strength. He really is the true love of my life. Even when things are bad, they're always a bit better when he's with me.

So today I will focus on my never ending love for my husband, and thank God as many times as I can for bringing him into my life. He really did save me from the really tough life I was heading for. Call me crazy or a total cheeseball, but I truly 100% believe that we were made for each other. He was at my parents' wedding 5 months before I was even conceived! Of course he was a baby, but his name is in their wedding book. We were in the same church when we were babies. When my parents divorced, and we moved back to Texas, I became best friends with his sister, by chance. He even helped me with a previous boyfriend. Then we became friends, and then eventually more. Everything in my life {as far as I can see} has led me to him.

These are the moments I will focus on today, and the only reason I will be sad is that he isn't here with me today to share in this love.

Getting Back On My Grind

I have been steadily working out and losing weight since I decided I needed to change back in February. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hated for Ethan to see me without clothes on. I didn't even want to go out in public because I felt ashamed of myself.

I woke up one morning and decided I wasn't going to feel that way anymore. I have an awesome group of friends {ADW whaaaaaaat!} that are so supportive and have taught me so much about myself and how to get healthy. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. And sometimes it is really hard.

With this whole miscarriage thing I have completely lost all motivation. I went from eating healthy and working out every day (before the pregnancy where I literally puked after 12 minutes on the elliptical) to eating. And worse than just eating, I depression ate.

This last week I literally ate pizza for lunch and dinner for four days, and I went through two packages of Oreos. And then of course I gained 3 pounds. In a week!! Of course I have no one to blame but myself. I take full responsibility for my actions, as gross as they are.

So today marks the restart of my getting healthy. I am counting calories, paying attention to what I eat, and am keeping a food diary. As soon as I'm cleared for working out you best believe I'll be working my way up to 45-60 minutes on the elliptical and Zumba. I'll start back on my strength training as well.

I will not let this miscarriage completely erase everything that I have worked so hard for. Depression will not win this round.