This morning I took Aiden's temperature because he felt slightly warm. I knew he wasn't running a full blown temp or anything just because of how happy he's been today. Monster takes after me when he gets sick - he doesn't want to do anything and is a real brat until he starts to feel better. His temperature was normal so I told him that he wasn't sick and that he could go play some more.
Aiden decided to instead throw a huge fit for like 20 minutes because he wasn't sick and didn't have to go to the doctor. Ummmm really?? Who does that?! So today I decided that he is going to learn a lesson. For some reason he thinks that being sick is fun because I wait on him hand and foot. Today that's going to change (since he's obviously not sick at all).
I used to fake sick to try to stay home from school like I'm sure most people did when they were younger. On the rare days that my Mama actually did let me stay home she made it miserable for me. During school hours I had to stay in my room with no tv or anything else - just books and the occasional nap - and once school was out I was able to watch a movie or two before eating chicken broth for dinner while watching everyone else eat something homemade and delicious and then going to bed early.
My son is going to learn that pretending to be sick is not fun at all. He is only 3 so I'm obviously not sending him to his room until 4 in the afternoon, but he will not be playing at all today. We are going to have a movie marathon on the couch, laying down the whole time, in pjs *gasp* without toys. He will be having soup for lunch and then he will be taking or nap - or at least he'll be forced to lay down for an hour or so. When Daddy gets home he will not be allowed to play outside or go for our usual walk because sick kids don't get to do that. He will be having some sort of bland dinner and then he will be going to bed early. We'll just see if he likes pretending to be sick and throwing fits because he is fine. Silly Monster.
****It is now 8 pm and the Monster is in bed and *hopefully* going to sleep. I would just like to say that my little Mama experiment worked. When Ethan came home from school he asked Aiden if he liked being sick. Aiden said "No. It's no fun." He wasn't allowed to move from the couch (except to eat and go to the bathroom) all day and he was soooo bored by the time bedtime rolled around. Good to know that I'm doing something right every once and a while and who knew my Mama actually was right back in the day. Hopefully this little lesson early on will keep him from skipping school down the road instead of like me {57 unexcused absences in 1 school year....yeah...} Hmmmm I'm not counting on it....
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
An "Explosive" Easter
So this Easter was definitely one to put down in the books. I've never had an Easter go so....interestingly.
We started the morning off with Aiden waking up and finding that the Easter bunny brought him Roarbert - the Scentsy Buddy he has been asking for since I started selling Scentsy in February - and Megamind. We ate a wonderfully healthy breakfast of chocolate donuts with extra sprinkles before letting Monster discover that the Easter Bunny had also hidden a dozen brightly colored eggs around our yard. This was the first egg hunt where Aiden actually walked around mostly on his own and found the eggs by himself. The silly Easter Bunny hid a pink egg all the way up in the tree that he needed help with, but other than that he did great.
After a sugar-filled morning we decided to head out to the beach to relax for a while. Our friends that Ethan goes to school with, came out with us. They brought their adorable dog and Aiden was in love at first lick. Aiden has been slightly scared of the beach since we moved here, but once he saw Kaos running around in the water and playing to his heart's content, Aiden was soon following suit. He spent almost 2 hours straight just wading around in the water with Daddy and Kaos while I made sure that my pale skin soaked up as much sun as possible.
After the beach, our friends and us decided to combine our Easter dinners together. So after showers and all that we headed over to their house. We had just gotten the food started when Ethan and his friend went down to the garage to look around at stuff (the garage is underneath the actual house) when they told us that the police would be coming over soon, so don't freak out if we see them pull up.
Why would the police be coming to the house on Easter? Oh because the boys found a smoke grenade and a red phosphorus cluster flare randomly in the garage. It is a felony to have that sort of stuff in your possession so they called the police to let them know. About 15 minutes later it seemed like the entire emergency department was at their house. They evacuated us to a few houses down, and that is where we stayed for the next two hours until the EOD from Eglin AFB got there.
Aiden got to play in the back seat of a cop car, which he loved. He kept saying "Mama it's the po-po!"
While we were stuck outside our food was still inside cooking or waiting to be cooked. They wouldn't let us go back inside to turn the oven off so we were just all hoping that the ham wouldn't burn. After what seemed like forever EOD came and took the ordnance away and we were allowed back in the house.
By the time we got back inside, had all the food cooked, and sat down to eat it was already 10 pm. Poor Aiden was so tired he ate and then tried to fall asleep at the table. We still had fun, but next year we learned that if something like this ever happens again we eat first and then call the officials!
We started the morning off with Aiden waking up and finding that the Easter bunny brought him Roarbert - the Scentsy Buddy he has been asking for since I started selling Scentsy in February - and Megamind. We ate a wonderfully healthy breakfast of chocolate donuts with extra sprinkles before letting Monster discover that the Easter Bunny had also hidden a dozen brightly colored eggs around our yard. This was the first egg hunt where Aiden actually walked around mostly on his own and found the eggs by himself. The silly Easter Bunny hid a pink egg all the way up in the tree that he needed help with, but other than that he did great.
After a sugar-filled morning we decided to head out to the beach to relax for a while. Our friends that Ethan goes to school with, came out with us. They brought their adorable dog and Aiden was in love at first lick. Aiden has been slightly scared of the beach since we moved here, but once he saw Kaos running around in the water and playing to his heart's content, Aiden was soon following suit. He spent almost 2 hours straight just wading around in the water with Daddy and Kaos while I made sure that my pale skin soaked up as much sun as possible.
After the beach, our friends and us decided to combine our Easter dinners together. So after showers and all that we headed over to their house. We had just gotten the food started when Ethan and his friend went down to the garage to look around at stuff (the garage is underneath the actual house) when they told us that the police would be coming over soon, so don't freak out if we see them pull up.
Why would the police be coming to the house on Easter? Oh because the boys found a smoke grenade and a red phosphorus cluster flare randomly in the garage. It is a felony to have that sort of stuff in your possession so they called the police to let them know. About 15 minutes later it seemed like the entire emergency department was at their house. They evacuated us to a few houses down, and that is where we stayed for the next two hours until the EOD from Eglin AFB got there.
Aiden got to play in the back seat of a cop car, which he loved. He kept saying "Mama it's the po-po!"
While we were stuck outside our food was still inside cooking or waiting to be cooked. They wouldn't let us go back inside to turn the oven off so we were just all hoping that the ham wouldn't burn. After what seemed like forever EOD came and took the ordnance away and we were allowed back in the house.
By the time we got back inside, had all the food cooked, and sat down to eat it was already 10 pm. Poor Aiden was so tired he ate and then tried to fall asleep at the table. We still had fun, but next year we learned that if something like this ever happens again we eat first and then call the officials!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
What Would You Take?
Ever since my family moved back to Texas after my parents' divorce we have lived in one neighborhood. We started off in a duplex right behind an Albertson's and a shopping center. It was perfect because my mom is legally blind and couldn't drive and we were in elementary school so my brother and I obviously couldn't drive either. After about 3 years my mom bought a house in the same neighborhood, but further from our duplex. My aunt lived in that neighborhood also.
On Sunday my neighborhood became victim to a wildfire. All over Facebook were statuses from friends I went to school with, some I've known since 4th grade, saying that they were being evacuated and their parents' houses were in danger of burning down. It was a huge fire. C-130s and military helicopters were dropping fire retardant and water over the area. My grandma told me it was a crazy sight to see. Ten homes were completely destroyed and another eleven or so were significantly damaged.
My old house didn't suffer any damage, but the house catty corner across the street was damaged by the fire. As of yesterday the fire was completely extinguished and the firefighters were pulling out of the area.
The start of the fire? They think it was a homeless person's campfire. Which is totally believable because when I was younger living in the duplex there was a homeless camp somewhere behind our duplex because they would jump the fence and fill up their water jugs with our water hose. It used to freak me out. My mom had to call the cops one time because my brother and his friend swore that they found a rifle back in the woods near one of their camps.
Ethan and I have thrown around the idea of getting a fire and waterproof safe to keep our important papers in and all that and this has made me think about it even more. So this is my question: minus the social security cards and all that stuff, what would you take? How do you decide what is the most important in your life?
On Sunday my neighborhood became victim to a wildfire. All over Facebook were statuses from friends I went to school with, some I've known since 4th grade, saying that they were being evacuated and their parents' houses were in danger of burning down. It was a huge fire. C-130s and military helicopters were dropping fire retardant and water over the area. My grandma told me it was a crazy sight to see. Ten homes were completely destroyed and another eleven or so were significantly damaged.
My old house didn't suffer any damage, but the house catty corner across the street was damaged by the fire. As of yesterday the fire was completely extinguished and the firefighters were pulling out of the area.
The start of the fire? They think it was a homeless person's campfire. Which is totally believable because when I was younger living in the duplex there was a homeless camp somewhere behind our duplex because they would jump the fence and fill up their water jugs with our water hose. It used to freak me out. My mom had to call the cops one time because my brother and his friend swore that they found a rifle back in the woods near one of their camps.
Ethan and I have thrown around the idea of getting a fire and waterproof safe to keep our important papers in and all that and this has made me think about it even more. So this is my question: minus the social security cards and all that stuff, what would you take? How do you decide what is the most important in your life?
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Who Knew
There are times when I miss you.
I look back and wonder where we went wrong.
I remember all of the laughs.
At one time that's what kept me going.
How did things change so quickly?
There are days when I wonder what you're doing.
Sometimes I even wonder if you ever think of me.
I guess that's what happens when you lose someone so close to you.
"Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish that I could still call you a friend."
I don't miss the drama, but I do miss the talks.
I miss the wild girl who really did have a heart.
I don't miss the games, but I do miss the player.
Who knew.
I look back and wonder where we went wrong.
I remember all of the laughs.
At one time that's what kept me going.
How did things change so quickly?
There are days when I wonder what you're doing.
Sometimes I even wonder if you ever think of me.
I guess that's what happens when you lose someone so close to you.
"Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish that I could still call you a friend."
I don't miss the drama, but I do miss the talks.
I miss the wild girl who really did have a heart.
I don't miss the games, but I do miss the player.
Who knew.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
ABCs of Lil Ol Me!
Okay so screw finishing writing that post about suicide and depression! I was all for it last night while I was crying and rehashing it all. I had every intention of sharing about literally the worst and lowest time in my life. I have made three attempts at writing that post, but I physically cannot put my thoughts and feelings into coherent words. It's like my mind just goes blank and my fingers forget how to fly over the keys like I am complimented on all the time. {I'm a very fast typer which is funny since I totally said screw the required keyboarding class in middle school.}All I can do is write up until a certain point and then I lose it. I just stare at the screen and will myself to finish, but I can't.
So I'm just not going to push it right now. I won't go into details. I had a brush with domestic violence, my husband had an affair, and if it weren't for the little boy snoring quietly in the next room I would not be here today. Aiden is literally the only reason I am sitting here today breathing, typing, and quietly singing along to Hit The Road Jack by the late and great Ray Charles.
I'm sorry for starting something I couldn't finish. I hate doing that, but at this time it's just not happening for me. Sometimes the mind just blocks out things that you can't handle at the moment, and I believe that is what's happening to me. I am depressed {and pretty good at hiding it} and I think that I am saving myself from a deeper darker depression.
Instead I have decided to switch from such a sad topic to something very easy for me to write about. Me. I've seen this on a few people's blogs and I decided to jump on the bandwagon. I love filling out surveys and questionnaires so it'll be something pretty easy for me.
A. Age: I am 21 years young, although there are some days when I fell about 30.
B. Bed size: A ghetto queen. When we lived in North Carolina we had an extra queen mattress that was Jennifer's bed. We had also acquired a futon right before we moved, so when we got to our new house there wasn't enough room in the house to fit the mattress somewhere and the futon so my husband convinced me to put both mattresses on our bed. So we have a box spring and two queen mattresses on top of the other. He told me when we climbed into bed the first time it reminded him of The Princess and the Pea.
C. Chore you dislike: Dishes. Oh my gosh I cannot stand doing the dishes. I do them because I can't really make Ethan do them for the rest of our lives...well I could but that's just mean. I don't like the idea of scraping old food and it's even worse when they have to be soaked. It grosses me out. That's why when Ethan is deployed I use very minimum dishes and I put them in the dishwasher right away...something we can never seem to do when he is home.
D. Dogs: We don't have one now, but I have decided that when we get to our next duty station we are getting a puppy. I have had one my entire life and if Ethan and I hadn't gotten separated and had that whole drama back in late 08/early 09 we would still have my beautiful chocolate lab. Aiden begs and cries for a dog every single time he gets to pet one, so he's gonna get one. If that means I have to wait until deployment then do be it. Sneaky? Yes. Do I care? No not really.
E. Essential start to your day: Lately it has been an allergy pill. My body and Florida haven't learned to play nice just yet.
F. Favorite color: I really really like black and pink paired together as one color, but not separately. It's like my signature with all my closest friends. And I also really like royal blue. It looks really pretty against my super pale skin.
H. Height: I am 5'2 and I have learned to deal with it. I have to ask for help to get pots down from our kitchen and we've had to invest in a large step ladder for those times when Ethan isn't around to help me reach for things.
J. Job title: I am a stay at home mama and a Lead Consultant for Scentsy. I love working for Scentsy because I don't have to give up staying at home with the Monster, and they have really awesomely addicting things.
K. Kids: I have one little man at the moment, Aiden aka Monster. He is a handful, and a bossy little one, but I wouldn't expect anything less seeing how Ethan and I were as kids. We're talking about trying for a mini monster as early as this summer, but we'll see.
L. Live: I live in Niceville, Florida and I absolutely love it. We've been here for about 3 weeks and I'm already asking Ethan to come back as an instructor after he finishes school. It is so beautiful.
M. Mom's name: Tamara but everyone calls her Tami.
N. Nicknames: Well it all depends on who you talk to. Ethan's nickname for me is Babydoll. My nephew and maybe eventually my niece calls me Lala. My grandma called me Sugar Booger until I asked her to stop calling me that in public when I was like 14. My Mama has given me many nicknames over the years but the one she has stuck to all these years is Flat Head. Yeah awesome right? She got it from The Land Before Time when I was really little. "You've got a nice flat head, Flat Head."
O. Overnight hospital stays: I've only had two overnight stays so far. Obviously when I had Aiden back in 2008 and then once again when I had my breast reduction in 2010. I have to say that having to stay overnight for Aiden was much more fun than the yucky awesomeness of having draining tubes and all that coming out of my boobies.
P. Pet Peeves: I have a bunch but the ones that come to my mind first would be when drawers and cabinets are left open. There's just something about it that I can't stand and I will go throughout the house and close everything at least once a day. Also I can't stand it when the trash is taken out of the garbage can and whoever takes it out {*cough*my husband*cough*} doesn't replace the bag. Ugh it just irks me and he does it on purpose.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Better a silly girl with a flower, than a silly boy with a horse and a stick." My husband called me a silly girl last night as he was going to sleep and I replied to him with that quote. He gave me a puzzled look, which I am used to. I tend to be a confusing silly girl and I quote movies randomly a lot.
S. Siblings: I have one younger brother named Bryan. We hated each other when we were kids, but now we're cool. Apparently we don't look anything alike really, but I think I look a lot like him. And then I have 12 brothers and sisters in-law. Gary and Hannah, Amy and Nick, Ruthie and Daniel, Levi and Sara, Isaac, Faith, Caleb, and Seth. Family reunions are going to be crazy in the next few years.
T. Time you wake up: Whenever Aiden makes it impossible for me to sleep any longer.
U. Underwear: Oh man I am a panty junkie. Seriously I have an addiction. I can't pass by the panty aisle without getting at least one pair. I have boy shorts, briefs, thongs, g-strings of all colors. Lacy, see-through, cotton...I have it all. Ethan has learned to just not go past there at all costs. I scared him one time when I told him that my goal was to be able to fill an entire load of laundry with just my underwear.
V. Vegetables you don't like: I may be a vegetarian, but I can't eat raw tomatoes or onions. If they're cooked I can handle them, but the flavor of them raw makes me gag. I don't really like green beans either but I have learned to tolerate them because Ethan loves them. Oh the things we do for love.
W. What makes you run late: I truly believe it is in my genetics. My entire family runs late. Seriously. We even went as far as putting the time on our wedding invitations 30 minutes earlier than what when we told the officiant so that my family would all be there on time. Sad? Perhaps, but I have learned to deal. I have learned to manage my time wisely since I moved out of my mom's house and now if I'm not on time then I'm never more than 5 minutes late, which I can {and do} blame on Aiden.
X. X-rays you've had: I haven't had a x-ray before so far. Hopefully I'll never have to.
Y. Yummy food you make: I make really really yummy enchiladas. I'm a pizza queen. I make really good bierocks, cinnamon rolls, and cookies.
Z. Zoo animal favorites: I love black panthers and tigers. I also like elephants and I even got to ride on one at the circus when Aiden was a baby.
So I'm just not going to push it right now. I won't go into details. I had a brush with domestic violence, my husband had an affair, and if it weren't for the little boy snoring quietly in the next room I would not be here today. Aiden is literally the only reason I am sitting here today breathing, typing, and quietly singing along to Hit The Road Jack by the late and great Ray Charles.
I'm sorry for starting something I couldn't finish. I hate doing that, but at this time it's just not happening for me. Sometimes the mind just blocks out things that you can't handle at the moment, and I believe that is what's happening to me. I am depressed {and pretty good at hiding it} and I think that I am saving myself from a deeper darker depression.
Instead I have decided to switch from such a sad topic to something very easy for me to write about. Me. I've seen this on a few people's blogs and I decided to jump on the bandwagon. I love filling out surveys and questionnaires so it'll be something pretty easy for me.
A. Age: I am 21 years young, although there are some days when I fell about 30.
B. Bed size: A ghetto queen. When we lived in North Carolina we had an extra queen mattress that was Jennifer's bed. We had also acquired a futon right before we moved, so when we got to our new house there wasn't enough room in the house to fit the mattress somewhere and the futon so my husband convinced me to put both mattresses on our bed. So we have a box spring and two queen mattresses on top of the other. He told me when we climbed into bed the first time it reminded him of The Princess and the Pea.
C. Chore you dislike: Dishes. Oh my gosh I cannot stand doing the dishes. I do them because I can't really make Ethan do them for the rest of our lives...well I could but that's just mean. I don't like the idea of scraping old food and it's even worse when they have to be soaked. It grosses me out. That's why when Ethan is deployed I use very minimum dishes and I put them in the dishwasher right away...something we can never seem to do when he is home.
D. Dogs: We don't have one now, but I have decided that when we get to our next duty station we are getting a puppy. I have had one my entire life and if Ethan and I hadn't gotten separated and had that whole drama back in late 08/early 09 we would still have my beautiful chocolate lab. Aiden begs and cries for a dog every single time he gets to pet one, so he's gonna get one. If that means I have to wait until deployment then do be it. Sneaky? Yes. Do I care? No not really.
E. Essential start to your day: Lately it has been an allergy pill. My body and Florida haven't learned to play nice just yet.
F. Favorite color: I really really like black and pink paired together as one color, but not separately. It's like my signature with all my closest friends. And I also really like royal blue. It looks really pretty against my super pale skin.
H. Height: I am 5'2 and I have learned to deal with it. I have to ask for help to get pots down from our kitchen and we've had to invest in a large step ladder for those times when Ethan isn't around to help me reach for things.
J. Job title: I am a stay at home mama and a Lead Consultant for Scentsy. I love working for Scentsy because I don't have to give up staying at home with the Monster, and they have really awesomely addicting things.
K. Kids: I have one little man at the moment, Aiden aka Monster. He is a handful, and a bossy little one, but I wouldn't expect anything less seeing how Ethan and I were as kids. We're talking about trying for a mini monster as early as this summer, but we'll see.
L. Live: I live in Niceville, Florida and I absolutely love it. We've been here for about 3 weeks and I'm already asking Ethan to come back as an instructor after he finishes school. It is so beautiful.
M. Mom's name: Tamara but everyone calls her Tami.
N. Nicknames: Well it all depends on who you talk to. Ethan's nickname for me is Babydoll. My nephew and maybe eventually my niece calls me Lala. My grandma called me Sugar Booger until I asked her to stop calling me that in public when I was like 14. My Mama has given me many nicknames over the years but the one she has stuck to all these years is Flat Head. Yeah awesome right? She got it from The Land Before Time when I was really little. "You've got a nice flat head, Flat Head."
O. Overnight hospital stays: I've only had two overnight stays so far. Obviously when I had Aiden back in 2008 and then once again when I had my breast reduction in 2010. I have to say that having to stay overnight for Aiden was much more fun than the yucky awesomeness of having draining tubes and all that coming out of my boobies.
P. Pet Peeves: I have a bunch but the ones that come to my mind first would be when drawers and cabinets are left open. There's just something about it that I can't stand and I will go throughout the house and close everything at least once a day. Also I can't stand it when the trash is taken out of the garbage can and whoever takes it out {*cough*my husband*cough*} doesn't replace the bag. Ugh it just irks me and he does it on purpose.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Better a silly girl with a flower, than a silly boy with a horse and a stick." My husband called me a silly girl last night as he was going to sleep and I replied to him with that quote. He gave me a puzzled look, which I am used to. I tend to be a confusing silly girl and I quote movies randomly a lot.
S. Siblings: I have one younger brother named Bryan. We hated each other when we were kids, but now we're cool. Apparently we don't look anything alike really, but I think I look a lot like him. And then I have 12 brothers and sisters in-law. Gary and Hannah, Amy and Nick, Ruthie and Daniel, Levi and Sara, Isaac, Faith, Caleb, and Seth. Family reunions are going to be crazy in the next few years.
T. Time you wake up: Whenever Aiden makes it impossible for me to sleep any longer.
U. Underwear: Oh man I am a panty junkie. Seriously I have an addiction. I can't pass by the panty aisle without getting at least one pair. I have boy shorts, briefs, thongs, g-strings of all colors. Lacy, see-through, cotton...I have it all. Ethan has learned to just not go past there at all costs. I scared him one time when I told him that my goal was to be able to fill an entire load of laundry with just my underwear.
V. Vegetables you don't like: I may be a vegetarian, but I can't eat raw tomatoes or onions. If they're cooked I can handle them, but the flavor of them raw makes me gag. I don't really like green beans either but I have learned to tolerate them because Ethan loves them. Oh the things we do for love.
W. What makes you run late: I truly believe it is in my genetics. My entire family runs late. Seriously. We even went as far as putting the time on our wedding invitations 30 minutes earlier than what when we told the officiant so that my family would all be there on time. Sad? Perhaps, but I have learned to deal. I have learned to manage my time wisely since I moved out of my mom's house and now if I'm not on time then I'm never more than 5 minutes late, which I can {and do} blame on Aiden.
X. X-rays you've had: I haven't had a x-ray before so far. Hopefully I'll never have to.
Y. Yummy food you make: I make really really yummy enchiladas. I'm a pizza queen. I make really good bierocks, cinnamon rolls, and cookies.
Z. Zoo animal favorites: I love black panthers and tigers. I also like elephants and I even got to ride on one at the circus when Aiden was a baby.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Reflections Of A Different Sort {Pt. 1 Long}
It's 11:09 at night. I've had a very busy weekend and Monday due to a bunch of different things all rolled into one. I sit down at the computer to read a few blogs from my Dashboard and the first thing I see is this post by Semper Gumby...the Return of Sunshine. I had no idea what she was talking about at first so I followed the link she posted, A Final Goodbye and I started reading. Then I started crying.
I don't know Jessica personally, but when you are shown tiny slivers of a person's life you feel that you know a part of them, even if it's just the part they want to be shown. I read people's blogs and I feel connected in a way that is really hard to explain, especially to people who don't blog. My husband does look at me strangely sometimes when I say "Oh yeah one of my friends...well a girl that I read her blog said...blah blah blah"
Suicide is a very touchy subject for me. I have seriously tried to commit suicide when I was younger, and the thought of killing myself still has found me even after becoming a wife and mother. Sometimes I just want the easy way out. Sometimes I would love not to feel anything anymore. Sometimes I would love to just float from the pain of this world to the bliss of heaven.
I am blogging about this because if there is someone out there reading this blog and feeling the same connectedness that I feel towards you when I read your blog, and you are depressed or thinking of suicide please know that you are not alone. I've been there as have many others I think.
I have never blogged about this before because it is very very personal stuff that hurts to rehash at times. I'm sure by the time I'm done writing I will have tears streaming down my cheeks and my neck. Either way I feel like this is the time to really show off a few of my demons if it means I could help someone else with theirs.
********
I was a pretty wild child in my early teen years. My mom is blind and I took advantage of that and the fact that she owned a restaurant and was gone all the time. I'm not sure if she saw the signs and chose not to see them because I was her baby girl, or if I was just really good at hiding my thoughts and feelings. Either way when I was 12 years old I was "dating" older guys. I mean really older. One of my boyfriends was 21. He thought I was 16, but still. Twenty one years old. That is a 9 year difference. That is child abuse. I look back on it now and I am so lucky that nothing happened. I was so stupid!
Anyways during the summer before I started 8th grade I met a guy online. Honestly it's been so long that I can't remember if we met through a mutual friend or if we met in a chat room. He was 3 years older than me and was going to the high school that my cousin went to and that I would eventually go to. We'll call him Ryan. Ryan and I talked on the phone all the time and we became pretty close. We went to the mall together once or twice and just had a normal "dating" relationship that you have in those awkward years before you really understand what dating really is.
Things were great for the first month or so before he started getting very...different. Small things I would do or say would make him mad. Eventually he wanted to have sex which I turned down. Obviously I was too young and I wasn't ready. He started running me down, telling me that I was worthless and that I couldn't get anyone better than him and blah blah blah. All of it was nonsense but when you have abuse issues to begin with and then you listen to horrible things over and over again you start to believe them eventually. I don't remember the exact date anymore {something about getting older and mommy brain has kicked my butt} but one night while my mom was at work and my brother was with his friends....I just decided to give up. I didn't want to live with myself and the things that Ryan had told me that I now believed. I wrote a crappy suicide letter and I used a kitchen butcher knife to cut my wrist. I didn't cut very deep because I had no idea what I was doing, but I realized something as I laid the blade against my other wrist. I didn't want to die, I just didn't know what else to do.
Oh my gosh I broke down and cried and cried and cried. What had I been thinking? How could I let some boy bring me down to such a level to where I couldn't even stand the thought of living one more day. How did I turn from such a happy (although slightly slutty) young lady to this sad, depressed, quiet girl that I had become?
And the sad thing is that this happens all the time! When I was in 8th grade (like 7 months after I cut my wrist) one of my classmates, Stephanie, killed herself. A little over a year later my mom's friend's daughter swallowed a whole big bottle of Advil. Even worse is that she regretted it, but told someone too late and she was gone.
During my high school years I became a cutter. I didn't cut all the time, but when things got bad at home or at school I cut myself. Sometimes I would use a knife, sometimes I would scratch myself over and over again with a paper clip until I made myself bleed. It was a horrible way to release some of the pain I felt inside. It was like I had to physically feel the pain that I couldn't express.
Ethan is what saved me during those days. He would see me with a jacket on during the summer or sometimes I wouldn't even bother to hide the marks on my wrists, and he would get so upset. He'd beg me not to hurt myself, to just call him whenever I felt like doing it just so that he could distract me and make me smile again. He was my guardian angel.
******
I have to stop myself here because I am trying to put my other ordeal into words and instead I'm just sitting in the living room crying my eyes out at 12:17 in the morning. Ethan has school in the morning and Aiden will be waking up early since he went to bed early. Plus I have a date with fellow blogger Jennifer at The Adventures of Team Roberts. She's going to show me around the new base and all that good stuff so I'm pretty excited. {And I just accidentally deleted over half of the part 2 post I couldn't write because of the tears when I copied that link....awesome.} Yeap it's definitely time for bed!
Goodnight everyone and please keep Jessica and anyone else you know of that is coping with depression in your prayers.
I don't know Jessica personally, but when you are shown tiny slivers of a person's life you feel that you know a part of them, even if it's just the part they want to be shown. I read people's blogs and I feel connected in a way that is really hard to explain, especially to people who don't blog. My husband does look at me strangely sometimes when I say "Oh yeah one of my friends...well a girl that I read her blog said...blah blah blah"
Suicide is a very touchy subject for me. I have seriously tried to commit suicide when I was younger, and the thought of killing myself still has found me even after becoming a wife and mother. Sometimes I just want the easy way out. Sometimes I would love not to feel anything anymore. Sometimes I would love to just float from the pain of this world to the bliss of heaven.
I am blogging about this because if there is someone out there reading this blog and feeling the same connectedness that I feel towards you when I read your blog, and you are depressed or thinking of suicide please know that you are not alone. I've been there as have many others I think.
I have never blogged about this before because it is very very personal stuff that hurts to rehash at times. I'm sure by the time I'm done writing I will have tears streaming down my cheeks and my neck. Either way I feel like this is the time to really show off a few of my demons if it means I could help someone else with theirs.
********
I was a pretty wild child in my early teen years. My mom is blind and I took advantage of that and the fact that she owned a restaurant and was gone all the time. I'm not sure if she saw the signs and chose not to see them because I was her baby girl, or if I was just really good at hiding my thoughts and feelings. Either way when I was 12 years old I was "dating" older guys. I mean really older. One of my boyfriends was 21. He thought I was 16, but still. Twenty one years old. That is a 9 year difference. That is child abuse. I look back on it now and I am so lucky that nothing happened. I was so stupid!
Anyways during the summer before I started 8th grade I met a guy online. Honestly it's been so long that I can't remember if we met through a mutual friend or if we met in a chat room. He was 3 years older than me and was going to the high school that my cousin went to and that I would eventually go to. We'll call him Ryan. Ryan and I talked on the phone all the time and we became pretty close. We went to the mall together once or twice and just had a normal "dating" relationship that you have in those awkward years before you really understand what dating really is.
Things were great for the first month or so before he started getting very...different. Small things I would do or say would make him mad. Eventually he wanted to have sex which I turned down. Obviously I was too young and I wasn't ready. He started running me down, telling me that I was worthless and that I couldn't get anyone better than him and blah blah blah. All of it was nonsense but when you have abuse issues to begin with and then you listen to horrible things over and over again you start to believe them eventually. I don't remember the exact date anymore {something about getting older and mommy brain has kicked my butt} but one night while my mom was at work and my brother was with his friends....I just decided to give up. I didn't want to live with myself and the things that Ryan had told me that I now believed. I wrote a crappy suicide letter and I used a kitchen butcher knife to cut my wrist. I didn't cut very deep because I had no idea what I was doing, but I realized something as I laid the blade against my other wrist. I didn't want to die, I just didn't know what else to do.
Oh my gosh I broke down and cried and cried and cried. What had I been thinking? How could I let some boy bring me down to such a level to where I couldn't even stand the thought of living one more day. How did I turn from such a happy (although slightly slutty) young lady to this sad, depressed, quiet girl that I had become?
And the sad thing is that this happens all the time! When I was in 8th grade (like 7 months after I cut my wrist) one of my classmates, Stephanie, killed herself. A little over a year later my mom's friend's daughter swallowed a whole big bottle of Advil. Even worse is that she regretted it, but told someone too late and she was gone.
During my high school years I became a cutter. I didn't cut all the time, but when things got bad at home or at school I cut myself. Sometimes I would use a knife, sometimes I would scratch myself over and over again with a paper clip until I made myself bleed. It was a horrible way to release some of the pain I felt inside. It was like I had to physically feel the pain that I couldn't express.
Ethan is what saved me during those days. He would see me with a jacket on during the summer or sometimes I wouldn't even bother to hide the marks on my wrists, and he would get so upset. He'd beg me not to hurt myself, to just call him whenever I felt like doing it just so that he could distract me and make me smile again. He was my guardian angel.
******
I have to stop myself here because I am trying to put my other ordeal into words and instead I'm just sitting in the living room crying my eyes out at 12:17 in the morning. Ethan has school in the morning and Aiden will be waking up early since he went to bed early. Plus I have a date with fellow blogger Jennifer at The Adventures of Team Roberts. She's going to show me around the new base and all that good stuff so I'm pretty excited. {And I just accidentally deleted over half of the part 2 post I couldn't write because of the tears when I copied that link....awesome.} Yeap it's definitely time for bed!
Goodnight everyone and please keep Jessica and anyone else you know of that is coping with depression in your prayers.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Iterrupting My Normal Blogging For A Quick Word...
As I have blogged before, I am a Lead Consultant for Scentsy. April has a few really great things going on with Scentsy so I just thought I would share a few things real quick. Easter is coming up so I have decided to do a promotion for one of my favorite Scentsy products, the Scentsy Buddy. From now until April 16th, all Scentsy Buddies are 15% off when you order through me. The Buddies make a great Easter basket gift for a special little one in your family. Kid tested, nose approved!
Scentsy Buddies are soft, adorable, cuddly stuffed animals that have a zippered pocket in the back that holds an awesome smelling, non-toxic Scentsy Scent Pak. You just put the Pak in the back, zip it up, and the Buddy spreads the aroma through out the room your child is in.
There are 6 different animals to choose from, a frog, a lion, a monkey, an elephant, a lamb, and a pig. Aiden really loves Roarbert The Lion, while I'm not-so secretly asking for Ollie The Elephant. The Scent Paks come in 30 great fragrances so there is a little something for everyone.
This is a special offer that you can't find through my website so if you're interested in this offer shoot me an e-mail and we can get in touch.
Also, April is Autism Awareness Month. Every 6 months Scentsy has a special warmer made for a charitable cause. For this year's Spring/Summer catalog we are featuring Piece By Piece. 100% of the net proceeds go to the Autism Speaks organization. It is a really beautiful warmer for a really awesome cause. I personally have this one and I absolutely love it.
And last, but not least...Every month we have a warmer and scent of the month. For April that would be Baby's Breath which to me is really light, airy and springy. The scent of the month, Flutter, smells really really good. I ordered a bar for my house. "Delicate orange blossoms and whipped almond cream float above a bed of bright lemon verbena."
Feel free to check out my website https://leshrader.scentsy.us/ and also if you have a Facebook you can add my Scentsy FB as well Lauren LovintheWickless Shrader. Hope to hear from you!
There are 6 different animals to choose from, a frog, a lion, a monkey, an elephant, a lamb, and a pig. Aiden really loves Roarbert The Lion, while I'm not-so secretly asking for Ollie The Elephant. The Scent Paks come in 30 great fragrances so there is a little something for everyone.
This is a special offer that you can't find through my website so if you're interested in this offer shoot me an e-mail and we can get in touch.
Also, April is Autism Awareness Month. Every 6 months Scentsy has a special warmer made for a charitable cause. For this year's Spring/Summer catalog we are featuring Piece By Piece. 100% of the net proceeds go to the Autism Speaks organization. It is a really beautiful warmer for a really awesome cause. I personally have this one and I absolutely love it.
And last, but not least...Every month we have a warmer and scent of the month. For April that would be Baby's Breath which to me is really light, airy and springy. The scent of the month, Flutter, smells really really good. I ordered a bar for my house. "Delicate orange blossoms and whipped almond cream float above a bed of bright lemon verbena."
Monday, April 4, 2011
Stylish Blogger Award
I got this award a few days ago but wasn't really in the mood to blog about it so I just wanted to say thank you to Megan!
Here are the rules:
1. Thank and link back to the person that has given you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 10-15 blogs you feel deserve the award.
4. Contact these bloggers and let them know about the award.
So again thank you Megan. This is something nice to write after my depression post. See? I'm working on myself already :-)
So these 7 things about me....
Here are the rules:
1. Thank and link back to the person that has given you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 10-15 blogs you feel deserve the award.
4. Contact these bloggers and let them know about the award.
So again thank you Megan. This is something nice to write after my depression post. See? I'm working on myself already :-)
So these 7 things about me....
- I love making up vegetarian recipes...even when they don't turn out so good.
- I want to be pregnant again.
- I love driving with the windows rolled down and the music turned up.
- I am addicted to sweets.
- Instead of deleting pictures off of memory cards, I just buy new ones. I have like 6 or 7 full memory cards saved in my dresser.
- I am a huge Disney fanatic. I still have almost all of the classics on VHS.
- I love getting mail. I mean I don't really care about bills, but I love getting letters and postcards from family.
- Emily @ Writings Of An Air Force Wife
- Amy @ ...And The Adventure Continues
- Elizabeth @ The Young Retiree
- Nicole @ Flip Flops And Combat Boots
- Taryn @ Maine-ly Taryn
- Poekitten @ Many Waters
- Kaylee @ Moore Than A Mrs.
- Kara @ SAHM And Marine Wife
- Samantha @ She's Not Broken, She's Just A Baby
- Jennifer @ The Adventures Of Team Roberts
- Kara @ The Ramblings Of A Marine Wife
- Beckie @ Turn For The Nurse
- Lydia @ withlovelydia
My Dark Passenger
Okay so maybe I've been watching Dexter too much with that title, but oh well.
I, from time to time, struggle with depression. I have ever since I was 9 and my parents moved me halfway across the country and took me away from everything I had ever known because of a divorce and my Daddy turning out to be gay. I have learned to deal with it on my own, but there are some times when I just feel so lost.
I feel like I am hiding inside myself, protecting myself from something. I'm in this depression funk right now and it really sucks. I'm not really sure what triggered it, but it is kicking my butt. I feel myself closing down, and I can't afford for that to happen.
To add to that, our house has decided to just stop working for some reason. The air conditioner broke early last week. We've had 4 different companies come to house to give an estimate, but none of them have actually fixed the damn thing. Lucky for us that it hasn't gotten very hot and humid here yet so having just ceiling fans and open windows has kept us cool for the most part. Someone is supposed to be calling me today with a time when they'll be here, but we'll see how that works.
The refrigerator had a meltdown on Thursday and flooded our kitchen which caused water damage to the floor. To stop the fridge from flooding we had to move it out into the middle of the kitchen to shut off the water. Because we did that, the cheap laminate flooring in the kitchen ripped where the fridge moved across the floor.
The fridge was fixed on Friday, but something was wrong Saturday morning because the refrigerator was actually hot. All of our food that we had just bought Friday after getting a brand "new" fridge was spoilt. Someone came out to look at the floor, but they haven't figured out when they're going to actually do it.
It's just been very stressful the past week which just makes my depression worse. Ethan and I had a long talk this weekend where I let it all out. I literally just cried for almost an hour. I don't know what happened with those tears, but ever since then I haven't felt as bad. I mean yes the sadness is still there, but it's much more manageable than it was last week. I'm hoping this is an omen for good times coming our way. I feel like I need a break from life. Maybe just a nice weekend on the beach with nothing but music and a good book would work for me.
I'm trying to work on my insides so that my outsides can show something other than sadness. I need to smile more. I need to sing like I used to. I need to work out and eat right. I truly believe that happy girls are pretty girls so this girl needs to get happy!
I, from time to time, struggle with depression. I have ever since I was 9 and my parents moved me halfway across the country and took me away from everything I had ever known because of a divorce and my Daddy turning out to be gay. I have learned to deal with it on my own, but there are some times when I just feel so lost.
I feel like I am hiding inside myself, protecting myself from something. I'm in this depression funk right now and it really sucks. I'm not really sure what triggered it, but it is kicking my butt. I feel myself closing down, and I can't afford for that to happen.
To add to that, our house has decided to just stop working for some reason. The air conditioner broke early last week. We've had 4 different companies come to house to give an estimate, but none of them have actually fixed the damn thing. Lucky for us that it hasn't gotten very hot and humid here yet so having just ceiling fans and open windows has kept us cool for the most part. Someone is supposed to be calling me today with a time when they'll be here, but we'll see how that works.
The refrigerator had a meltdown on Thursday and flooded our kitchen which caused water damage to the floor. To stop the fridge from flooding we had to move it out into the middle of the kitchen to shut off the water. Because we did that, the cheap laminate flooring in the kitchen ripped where the fridge moved across the floor.
The fridge was fixed on Friday, but something was wrong Saturday morning because the refrigerator was actually hot. All of our food that we had just bought Friday after getting a brand "new" fridge was spoilt. Someone came out to look at the floor, but they haven't figured out when they're going to actually do it.
It's just been very stressful the past week which just makes my depression worse. Ethan and I had a long talk this weekend where I let it all out. I literally just cried for almost an hour. I don't know what happened with those tears, but ever since then I haven't felt as bad. I mean yes the sadness is still there, but it's much more manageable than it was last week. I'm hoping this is an omen for good times coming our way. I feel like I need a break from life. Maybe just a nice weekend on the beach with nothing but music and a good book would work for me.
I'm trying to work on my insides so that my outsides can show something other than sadness. I need to smile more. I need to sing like I used to. I need to work out and eat right. I truly believe that happy girls are pretty girls so this girl needs to get happy!
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