Monday, April 4, 2011

My Dark Passenger

Okay so maybe I've been watching Dexter too much with that title, but oh well.

I, from time to time, struggle with depression. I have ever since I was 9 and my parents moved me halfway across the country and took me away from everything I had ever known because of a divorce and my Daddy turning out to be gay. I have learned to deal with it on my own, but there are some times when I just feel so lost.

I feel like I am hiding inside myself, protecting myself from something. I'm in this depression funk right now and it really sucks. I'm not really sure what triggered it, but it is kicking my butt. I feel myself closing down, and I can't afford for that to happen.

To add to that, our house has decided to just stop working for some reason. The air conditioner broke early last week. We've had 4 different companies come to house to give an estimate, but none of them have actually fixed the damn thing. Lucky for us that it hasn't gotten very hot and humid here yet so having just ceiling fans and open windows has kept us cool for the most part. Someone is supposed to be calling me today with a time when they'll be here, but we'll see how that works.

The refrigerator had a meltdown on Thursday and flooded our kitchen which caused water damage to the floor. To stop the fridge from flooding we had to move it out into the middle of the kitchen to shut off the water. Because we did that, the cheap laminate flooring in the kitchen ripped where the fridge moved across the floor.

The fridge was fixed on Friday, but something was wrong Saturday morning because the refrigerator was actually hot. All of our food that we had just bought Friday after getting a brand "new" fridge was spoilt. Someone came out to look at the floor, but they haven't figured out when they're going to actually do it.

It's just been very stressful the past week which just makes my depression worse. Ethan and I had a long talk this weekend where I let it all out. I literally just cried for almost an hour. I don't know what happened with those tears, but ever since then I haven't felt as bad. I mean yes the sadness is still there, but it's much more manageable than it was last week. I'm hoping this is an omen for good times coming our way. I feel like I need a break from life. Maybe just a nice weekend on the beach with nothing but music and a good book would work for me.

I'm trying to work on my insides so that my outsides can show something other than sadness. I need to smile more. I need to sing like I used to. I need to work out and eat right. I truly believe that happy girls are pretty girls so this girl needs to get happy!

1 comment:

  1. I too have suffered from depression and completely understand how you're feeling. I find what helps me is to 1.get out of the house or some type of exercise. Now, I always have a hard time doing this because I just don't feel up to it, but the times I force myself to do it, I feel a lot better. Crying always helps and I always feel better after having a good cry. Just hang in there and know that brighter days are to come.