Monday, June 4, 2012

My Own Therapy

There are times when words fail me. Sometimes I have no idea how to express my feelings. I can tell you that my heart is broken. I can tell you that I cry at night when I'm laying alone thinking about the baby. I can tell you that I miss my husband so much that it leaves an ache in my stomach. But I just can't talk about how I feel about the baby yet, other than that I am fighting a deep dark depression from taking over my life. I can't afford to lose it all when I am at home with Monster.

I have been using my son as my source of strength. I can't allow myself to break down because he wouldn't be able to make it without me. If I gave up like I did when Ethan left way back when...he would know it. He isn't a tiny baby that doesn't understand what crying even means. He can't just stay in his playpen and sleep and play while I completely shut down and detach myself from the world. So I have no choice but to be strong for him.

So in my weakest moments I listen to music. It is the one comfort that I constantly have. It's my special brand of therapy. All I have to do is turn on the computer or the radio or my phone and there is music to feed my mood. There's a song that can say exactly what I'm feeling, when I don't even know myself.

These are the two songs that are keeping me going. They still make me cry at times, but they also make me stronger. I know that I will move past this. I know that this sharp pain in my chest that is hard to even breathe around will eventually fade. One day I will look back and "see how You've brought beauty from ashes, and made me as gold purified through these flames."

"After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again and there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain."

"And as Your mercy falls I'll praise the God who gives and takes away. And I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm." 


  1. LOVE IT! Casting Crowns is one on my favs and this song was my ringtone when life really sucked about 1 1/2 years ago.

    1. The part where it says I'll praise the God who gives and takes away...I cry every single time. But I heard this a few weeks ago when I first got the news that the baby wasn't growing correctly and it spoke to me.