Broken-Hearted Girl

Life Letter #20
Day 20 — "The one that broke your heart the hardest"


Ethan -

I don't even really know where to start with this because we both know that we're supposed to be working through the past. We both know that you made a HUGE mistake that completely tore our family apart. You shattered me, and even though I built myself back up, I'm still missing a few pieces of my heart. Sadly I don't know if I will ever get them back. People say that time heals everything so I'm hoping that eventually down the road the wounds will heal. There will always be a scar, but it won't be open and raw. It won't hurt to hear her name. It won't make my stomach ache to hear a song that reminds me of those dark days.

It is still really hard for me to try to understand everything that happened between us. I don't know where we completely just lost it. I know the exact moment that we fell apart, though at the time I couldn't see it. Mostly because I refused to see it. I was naive and you were lost. We were younger and stupider than we are now.

I admit that I had a lot to do with our problems. It wasn't all you. I was depressed and I was more concerned with being what everyone else wanted me to be. I nagged and bugged you. I tried to hold on and keep you close, and all it did was push us farther apart. But I never walked away. I fought like hell to keep our family together. You gave up. You left us.

I think what hurts me more isn't the fact that you cheated and left, I think it was the way you treated me when you were gone. You say that you had to convince yourself that you hated me so that you wouldn't feel guilty for the shit that you were doing, but you didn't seem to care that what you did to me effected Aiden too. When you took the money out of the bank accounts I was left with nothing. I had no money to pay for groceries or diapers. I had to give up Phoenix, who I had had since you were in boot camp, because I had to choose between buying dog food or diapers. Lucky for me that I had no appetite and wasn't eating hardly at all and we had WIC so Aiden was always fed and happy. I had to go to your Sgt Major 3 times to beg for money so that we could live. And what were you doing during this time? Getting drunk and having "fun" with someone else's wife and mother.

And then all of a sudden my prayers were answered. Your eyes were opened and you finally saw the horrible person you were becoming. I still remember the day that your command called me {because we couldn't speak to each other} and told me that you wanted to know if there was any possible way that I would want to try to work things out with you. I didn't even know what to say. Honestly I didn't want to, but they also told me that if I said no that I would be moving out of our house in less than two weeks. I was alone with a 9 month old little angel. I had no where to go and no education. I said that I would try to work things out because although deep down I loved you and I didn't want to lose you, I really just had no other option. It was either say no and leave or say yes and bide my time until I could finish my GED and see where we went from there.

Now here we are almost 2 years later. We've been so happy and I am so completely in love with you. We both have changed since that horrible winter. In fact, we're completely different people. I hate to say this, but with you leaving it actually brought us closer together. I really believe that we wouldn't have made it through your deployment if we hadn't been forced to change when you left. Everything happens for a reason right? God can make good things out of the worst situations. My counselor used to say that we were the exception. We are proof that people can change if they really want to.

As happy as I am now, there are days when I just can't forget what you did. I can't forget the pictures of you and her together. I can't forget the fact that you changed your mind about us so quickly, and honestly sometimes it scares me. I have days where I look at myself and wonder why you ever came back. If I wasn't good enough the first time, then why am I good enough now? I wonder if I will forever be second-guessing myself and comparing myself to her, even when you say there is no comparison.

Some people see me as soft or weak or stupid. They believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. I pray that isn't true. People can make mistakes and learn from them. Either way, I know that I made the right decision by taking you back.

All that I ask is to just please be understanding on those days where I feel inadequate. The days where I just want to cry because of the pieces of me that I have lost, just let me get it all out. If I make a smart ass or hurtful remark, don't let me be mean, but understand that I am still healing. You broke my heart the hardest and while I have forgiven you, I still haven't forgotten. The pain is still there and some days it breaks my heart all over again.

Ethan, you are the only person I have ever been with. You are the first and only man I have ever loved. You are my husband and the father of our beautiful child. We have some amazing memories and some heart-wrenching ones. I know that if we could get through this, then nothing can stand in our way. I love you with all my heart.

- Wifey