Who are you?

Life Letter #18
"The person you wish you could be"


Who are you this person that I wish I could be? You are completely comfortable in your skin. You know who you are, and you are damn proud of it. You could care less about what people think of you. You are smart, and funny, and polite. You are someone that people flock to. You make good decisions and learn from your mistakes the first time.

I wish I could look myself in the mirror and be able to truly find myself comfortable, instead of picking myself apart. I'm a thick girl, and while I don't apologize for that, I find myself wishing I was a size 4 at times. I have stretch marks and my hips are wider than they used to be. I don't like my thighs or my feet. I think part of my body image problems stem from a few of my verbally abusive family members. Those people have always told me that I am the ugly one of the family, whether it was said directly or implied. My dad is the biggest offender of that. He thinks that the jokes he makes are funny, but honestly they just hurt when you're 12 years old and worried about what your body is changing into. I wish that I could just shrug it all off and listen to my husband when he tells me that I'm attractive, but deep inside I just don't see how that is possible.

I wish that I could learn to forgive and forget completely. There has never been a man to completely stay in my life since I was a baby. Like Peyton in One Tree Hill says, people always leave. I wish that I could just forget all of my Daddy issues and be absolutely happy with the time that I have with my husband. I wish that I could learn to let things go. I understand why I don't, but still I wish I could make things easier on myself. I have seen my Mama have her heart broken so many times, and my heart has been broken as well. I don't want to let myself forget because in my head that will mean that I can let the heartbreak happen again.

I wish that I could learn from my mistakes the first time instead of letting history repeat itself over and over again. I would save myself a lot of trouble if I could just get that one more often.

I mean there are a bunch of things that I wish I could do or be, but honestly I still like the person I am today. I may wish to be someone else at times, but if I wasn't like I am, then I wouldn't be me. There are always things that I can improve. There are always going to be things I wish I could do or be. I just have to decide which of those things are realistic and which ones I should work on the most.

Either way I am who I am.

- The real me