T.T.F.N.

So for most of the people who have followed me for a while you have noticed that I haven't really been blogging at all. Actually I haven't posted in 3 1/2 weeks. In fact most of the people who did follow me haven't really been reading this in a while, which of course I don't blame you. If I can't be bothered to write, then why would I expect you to be bothered to read anything.

Anyways things have been really well. My Scentsy business is flourishing. I have added two new members to my team this month alone. Aiden is growing up super fast. He's got this attitude now that is cute and irritating at the same time. The boy always thinks he's right! I wonder where he got that from...   Mine and Ethan's relationship hasn't been this amazing since we were first learning about each other as teenagers. I have Florida to thank for that. We aren't stuck in North Carolina with everyone knowing our past and thinking that they know our future. I am dealing with my PCOS as best as I can. I have lost 11 pounds in the past month and a half and I am determined to keep going. I've gotta look my best for the Marine Corps Ball!

It's been a bittersweet few months. I have two brand new nieces born in June and August. My other niece's 1st birthday is today. I love these little girls so much and at the same time my heart hurts a little that this was the month Ethan and I were supposed to be trying for our own new baby. Obviously that's not happening anymore.

I keep a smile on my face as much as I can. Although there are days when I just want to curl up in bed and cry for days. Sometimes my smile isn't as bright and on the inside I am weeping.

It has become a chore to try to get on here and write something interesting or funny. I feel like when I write anymore it's just about how sad I am. I have to write about it because I can't show it on the outside, and I have to have release somehow. Otherwise I will just crawl inside myself and become the hermit I used to be. And we all know what happened last time I did that...

I am still keeping this blog, but I am going to keep it private for a while. I just need to get things out there without clogging up the Dashboard or people's thoughts with my lonely vibes. Maybe once I can get all of this negative energy out I'll be able to bounce back. I've had the Young But Not Completely Dumb Wordpress account for a while. Maybe I'll switch over to that once I'm feeling better since Blogger has been getting on my nerves the past few months. Anyone who has switched, send me an e-mail if you like Wordpress better.

So for now I am saying goodbye to everyone. The blogging community has been an amazing support system and I'd like to say that I've made quite a few "friends" out there that I hope I don't lose complete touch with. Thank you everyone who has been there to support me and make me smile over the past year.

T.T.F.N - Ta Ta For Now

If you still want to stay in touch there's always Facebook. :-D

My Own PCOS Journey...

It has been 8 weeks since I was diagnosed with PCOS. It has been a hard pill to swallow. There have been tears. There has been anger. There have been sleepless nights and depressed sleep-ins. There has been denial. There has been guilt.

I have been forced to realize that my body isn't like other "normal" people anymore. I am going to be taking some form of pills, whether prescription drugs or natural medicines, for the rest of my life. I have completely changed my diet to organic/gluten-free/low glycemic and I am always conscious of what I put in my body now. I have come to terms with the fact that if I don't take care of my body much more serious things can happen because of PCOS. I am a lucky woman just to have my Aiden Monster, and I want to make sure that I stay healthy enough to be there for him for as long as I can.

In 8 weeks I have lost twelve pounds, just from taking my meds and eating differently. It's still a struggle to live this way, but each day it gets easier. I'm mostly past my terrible craving stage. Now it's much easier to see my best friend gobble down some milk and Oreos at midnight without my mouth watering and my teeth aching to join in. Ethan and I joined our local YMCA and of course the day after we got the membership I went and sprained my ankle doing Zumba {go me!} sooooo I haven't been able to truly work out yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

For me at least, it's easier to stay on track with a great support system keeping me on track. So I have decided to join the Soul Cyster Weight Loss Challenge, created by Mrs. O. I'm really excited to "meet" the other contestants and to get some much needed help with coping with PCOS. The contest runs from August 1st to October 30th, so it should also get me into shape just before Ball season. I plan on being able to hold my head up high and be proud of myself at this year's Marine Corps Ball.

So wish me luck! Send me love and support vibes! And if you join the SCWLC let me know!!

This is me finding my way through the darkness. I will succeed, and I will be happy. After all, happy girls are pretty girls ♥




{no name because I'm lazy}

I'm restless.

There I've said it.

I need a change in my life, and I'm not sure what that change could be. I am really loving our life in Florida right now. Ethan is doing really well in EOD school *knocks on wood* {Yes I'm superstitious cautious.} He seems to be really loving it as well, although now he's getting into the for real nitty gritty serious part of school so he comes home with a slightly blank stare in his eye, and a little bit of smoke coming out of his ears from the brain frying during the day.

Aiden is becoming more and more independent every day. He is his own little opinionated person, and although it is slightly frustrating, I have to admit it is a blessing. He likes to do his own thing. He likes to play in his room alone. And dear God does that boy have an imagination! It surprises me every day the things that he can come up with. He does have his meltdowns and we are definitely entering into the bossy/bratty three-year-old stage, but I still love him. Of course, I always will.

I'm even happy. Inside (for the most part) and out. I'm staying busy, I have a great group of friends here that are helping to keep me sane, even if they don't know it. I love our house. I love the town we live in. I love the fact that it is technically a small town, but we're 5 minutes from the "city" with all that comes along with it. I love the weather, although I complain about it constantly. I love the white sandy beaches and the pristine water. I find myself smiling all of the time. I love my job. I love my family. I love it all.

....And yet I find myself yearning for something more. Something inside myself that needs to either be filled, or set free. Anyone reading this who knew me in North Carolina might even be surprised at the way I am now because of how I was in that place. Perhaps even my readers who have stuck around since the beginning - maybe you've noticed the subtle change in me. I was a shy, quiet, lonely girl. I didn't stand up for myself the way I should have. I let people walk all over me. I kept to myself and I saw and experienced things I would never wish on anyone {except perhaps that one girl...}

North Carolina, or more specifically Cherry Point, broke something inside of me. I will never be the same, but just in the 4 months that we have lived in Florida I have changed. I've grown. I've opened myself up. I'm learning to trust. I'm allowing myself to have fun without trying to be someone I'm not.

Florida has begun to heal that brokenness inside of me. I can breathe a little easier here. Maybe it's because no one knows my business here. No one looks at me and thinks God how could she live with herself after what he did to her? or She must be either be desperate or has no respect for herself to stay with him. Because that's how I feel people felt about me. Maybe they still do, but I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. Those people don't know the real me. I didn't even know the real me, but I'm beginning to learn things about myself that I never knew.

I still feel fat and disgusting. I still feel unattractive and manly. I still have a lot to work on, but I am beginning to like the woman that is emerging into the light. I have my bad days, more so than perhaps some of my friends, but I try to keep ahead of the darkness. Then again maybe a little darkness would keep me balanced. Who knows. Now I'm rambling so I'll sign off for now.

Maybe this is what I need from time to time. A quiet spot in the house in the middle of the night to create. I love writing and I haven't done it for so long. I'm hoping that this is the part of me that needs to be set free. May be I just need to let my thought out and let my voice be heard.

So I send these random, perhaps useless thoughts out into the vast Internet universe. Maybe someone out there will understand what I'm going through.

We're Grrrrrrreat!!

So Ethan and I pretty much took a week away from the computers and we all just spent time as a family. It was so nice to spend time together as a family, especially because it seems like the further into EOD school he gets, the less time we actually get to spend together. He's so tired when he comes home we literally eat dinner, watch an hour of TV, put Aiden to bed, and then he's done for the night. The 4th of July long weekend, his 3 day week, and then another weekend was just the perfect amount of time for us to reconnect. We literally spent Saturday and yesterday at home, in our pj's, vegging out in front of the TV. We got ourselves addicted to The Unit. I have no idea how we'd never seen it before, but both of us are hooked.

I'm finding that we watch a lot more TV since he's been in school. I think it's because it's much easier and relaxing to just turn on the TV than to run around town all evening. I don't particularly like that Aiden is watching more TV than he used to, but I'm not going to fight with Ethan over it while he's got his mind preoccupied with all things explosive. When he graduates in a few months and we get stationed somewhere new things will definitely change. Until then I can just grin and bear it.

 I don't know how to schedule a post while I'm gone {although I'm sure it is super easy} so I will be posting a lot over the next few days. I hope that you can bear with me while I add the days I've missed over two or three days so that I can catch up.

Learning To Deal

I'm still having a hard time dealing with this PCOS thing. I feel so lonely. No one close to me really understand what I'm going through or how I'm feeling and I really hate having to try to put everything into a perspective that they can understand sometimes. I mean don't get me wrong, I love the support they are trying to give me, but at the point I just feel like I should be left alone. I want to be normal and I feel like that won't happen for a while. I feel like I'm outside, looking in on life at the moment.



I am in the process of changing my diet and my lifestyle to deal with PCOS the best way that I can. We have thrown out over half of our food because it isn't healthy, gluten-free, organic, or expired {we're really bad about letting pantry stuff expire} and we have replaced it with all of the good stuff. Ethan was amazed yesterday at the commissary. He said, when we got in the car after everything was bought and paid for, that this was probably the first time we have ever gone shopping and not gotten a single thing that was unhealthy or sugary. It's the truth. I'm craving all sorts of sugary things like ice cream and doughnuts, but I'm trying my hardest to suppress them with healthy foods like fruit and all that. I'm struggling, but it'll be worth it in the end.

I've done a lot of research over the past week and a half about diet and lifestyle changes when you have PCOS and I have found that a lot of people are saying that the best thing to do is to eat smaller amounts of food five to six times a day. I've been doing that over the past few days, and although I've already lost 3 pounds in a little over a week, I still feel weird eating all the time. I feel like a pig constantly snacking.

My doctor called me on Thursday to tell me that the lab work came back and they found that my testosterone levels are elevated and she thinks that I definitely have PCOS. I have to go in for an ultrasound to see if I have any cysts on my ovaries at the moment. I've never had a cyst before so I'm a little scared. What happens if I do have cysts? Do they remove them? If so, then how?

It's such a depressing thought that this will be my life from now on. Worrying about food, and exercising, and whether or not I can have another baby, and whether or not I have cysts...I broke down this weekend and just cried and cried. I just want to be normal.

Happy Father's Day

Ethan has been gone all weekend doing a motorcycle training class in Pensacola so Aiden and I have been playing and watching movies all weekend. We are missing Daddy pretty bad today since it's a special day just for him. Aiden has also decided that because Ethan is at a motorcycle class that means we are getting Daddy a motorcycle for Father's Day. HA! Ethan hates celebrating holidays like this, but I'm sure if there was a motorcycle in it for him I think he'd hold his tongue :-) Sadly for the boys we will not be buying a bike right now, if at all ever.
But in honor of Father's Day {and so that Aiden and I can look through pictures from when he was a baby together} I am posting a few of my favorite pictures of my boys together. Ethan is such an amazing father. I love to just sit and watch him and Aiden play together sometimes. I'm a lucky lady to have them.



Ranch heads

when he was first walking

Deployment 2009

Homecoming 2010

loving Florida

I mean who doesn't want a picture with Ronald McDonald??

I love you Boo. I couldn't ask for a better partner through all of this. Happy Father's Day. ♥♥♥

Everything Happens For A Reason

Now that I have had a few days to process what all is going on, I'm not feeling as horrible. I mean yes this does suck, but as I am quickly finding out I'm not alone.

Generally, I am a glass half-full type of girl and as my best friend told me yesterday I need to try to find the good in all of this. So that is what I am focusing on. I told Ethan last night as I was making fun of myself that if I can't laugh about everything then I will go crazy.

I am 21 year old. It seems very surreal to think that I will fight for my health for the rest of my life. I don't think that has really hit me yet. I will be treating this, whether with medication or naturally - or even a mix of both - from now on. As much as I like my doctor he didn't really talk to me much about what happens from here. I think partly because he's a man, partly because he is still an intern, and partly because I'm sure PCOS isn't his specialty. I will talk to him next time on if I need to be seen by a gynecologist or something for this.

What I can say is that right now I am really seeing that everything happens for a reason. I really believe that everything that has happened lately in my life has led me up to this moment: sitting here on the couch, listening to "ice cream" {or slow and mostly sad} music, while my son plays with his super hero toys next to me, letting my thoughts escape.

I dropped out of high school when I was 15. Looking back I was selfish and stupid thinking that I didn't need an education. I hated my school and I hated the fact that my mom couldn't find a way for me to transfer and eventually couldn't find the time to check my home school work.

When Ethan decided to join the Marine Corps I was 16. We knew that after he graduated boot camp I would not be able to move with him unless we were married. We had talked about marriage before with each other, but we weren't sure what our parents would think. In fact the reason Ethan joined the Marine Corps at all was because he knew that he wanted to marry me, but he knew that he needed to be able to provide for a family first. After talking it over together and with my parents, Ethan proposed to me a month before my 17th birthday. He left for boot camp 3 months later.

Ethan and I were married on December 9, 2006. He was 19 and I was 17. My mom had to sign the marriage license for me. He went on to MCT and the his MOS school. I moved down to North Carolina in March 2007 and by July 4th we found out I was pregnant. Aiden was born March 8, 2008. I was 18.

I really think that if things hadn't worked out like that I wouldn't have an amazing, sometimes frustrating little boy. I am so very very lucky to have him at all. Maybe we did everything so fast-paced when we were so young so that he could be in this world. God gave us this gift to be thankful for during the dark days ahead.

Aiden is the good in all of this. He always will be. Ethan and I have been planning on trying for another baby when he gets closer to graduating EOD school, but I'm not sure that's in the cards for us anymore. That's been a really hard thing to deal with the past few days. I'm learning that it is possible to still get pregnant with PCOS, but even if I never have another child I know that I'm blessed to be able to have my Monster.

And then even with me starting my blog a year ago, if I hadn't been frustrated and looking for a place to get my thoughts out, I would have never "met" such amazing people who are already showing me that I'm not alone in this. I would be completely lost without the help I'm finding from the blogging community.

I want to say thank you to those who have already helped me by listening to me, wiping my tears away, and giving me words of encouragement. It really means a lot.

Finally Some Answers, But Not What I Wanted To Hear

So I finally got to see a doctor yesterday here in Florida. I was pretty nervous because of how things were with my doctor back in Cherry Point.

I still haven't had a period since November 2010. No spotting, no cramping...nothing. I've had a ton of trouble losing weight even with weight loss pills. Along with a bunch of other problems, I had begun to feel like a medical mystery. In the end the doctor in Cherry Point told me that it was just stress, which I felt was bullshit honestly. I felt cast aside and I had begun to give up.

Things have been completely different in Florida. I don't stay at home all the time. I have a ton of people out here that I consider great friends. Aiden has a bunch of kids his age to play with. Ethan is loving EOD school. He comes home smiling most every day. We're all just so happy and I didn't want to ruin that with adding the stress of medical problems and everything else, so I waited on going to the doctor right away when we first got here.

Instead, I watched my body and paid attention to what I was feeling. I even started eating meat again to see if it had anything to do with iron levels or things I know nothing about. I wanted to have a good idea of what was going on with myself before I talked to a doctor who knows nothing about me.

I'm so glad that I waited because I went into the hospital on Monday knowing everything that was going on. I knew what all my doctor in Cherry Point had already done, what I was feeling, what worked and what hadn't...I felt informed and in control for once. It was awesome.

My doctor was really awesome too. In fact I'd recommend him to anyone down in Florida going on base. He was super nice and asked me a ton of questions about what had happened before and what was going on now. When he had an idea of what it could be, he consulted with another doctor to make sure he was right. Together they came up with something that fits into every single problem I have been having. And although I really hadn't wanted to hear the confirmation of what I had feared, like I said I was prepared.

The diagnosis: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS

As it has been explained to me by the doctor and then researching at home, PCOS is a hormonal disorder that effects 5-10% of women. It is the most common cause of infertility in women. It can lead to bigger problems like type 2 diabetes, heart problems, and stroke.

I'm not going to lie; with as prepared as I thought I was I still didn't want to hear it. I'm still slightly shocked. I'm trying to find more information. I want to learn as much as I can since I'm going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I am starting medication called Metformin to try to regulate my periods and I go back in 4-6 weeks to see if it has helped me. If anyone knows any good websites where I can get some help that would be really appreciated or if you know someone who is dealing with this as well I'd really like to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through.

It's Been A Year

It's crazy that I have already been blogging for a year. In this past year I've had many people come to stay with us, Aiden has had eye surgery, we went through all of the EOD drama, we almost moved, and then we finally really did move.

This time a year ago I was in Texas trying to deal with friends and family that just didn't understand what it was like for Ethan and I to be with the military. Who knew that I'd really learn to appreciate what we have when we almost lost it.

Aiden has grown soo much this year. He is getting really into sign language and he is talking way more than a 3 year old should at times. He is fully potty trained and has become so independent.

Today Ethan takes his last test in C.O.R.E. and then he moves on to Ground, where the school starts to get pretty hard - or at least harder than what he's gone through so far.

I don't have a lot to say right now, but I would like to thank everyone who has stuck around on here from the beginning. It's been an interesting year and I'm really looking forward to what this next year will bring us.





I'd like to do another giveaway soon, but few people seemed interested in the Scentsy one so we'll see. What do you think?

Time Has Gotten Away From Me

Man oh man things have been a bit stressful around this household lately. I just can't believe it has taken me almost 3 weeks to write something on here. You'd think that when the stressful things start happening I would run to my computer to put my thoughts in order so I don't go crazy. Not the case this time, but I'm working on improving that. I need the quiet space to put my thoughts when everything around me is going 4458651 miles a minute!

I'm sure people have lost interest in reading this blog because I have been so absent lately, but that's fine. I mean this is for me, not for anyone else. I'm sending these thoughts into the vast internet void, but this blog hasn't ever been for anyone else for myself so I'm okay with taking a break every once in a while.

So to make a crazy super long story a short, my best friend Jennifer and her son Tristan (I've talked about them a lot on here) got kicked out of her house by her mom in a crazy drama-filled fight a little over 2 weeks ago. Because they had no where to go and because Ethan and I love them to death we all agreed that Jennifer and Tristan would be moving to Florida with us. I was going around like crazy trying to get everything finished in time for them to be here. We have the plane tickets booked. The extra furniture that we haven't been using has been sold or given away. I've done all of the research for how to get her her license and get Tristan ready for school, and she even applied to a bunch of different stores.

While all of this was happening, Jennifer's grandma was devising a plan of her own. She came up with an awesome plan to help Jennifer out, while also keeping her and Tristan in Austin, where it really is the best place for them just because of all of Tristan's doctors are there and they know his situation and all that. We agreed yesterday that it is smarter for Jennifer to stay in Texas and let her grandparents help her get on her feet, and after the 6 months they have given her, if she still needs help then Ethan and I will be helping her as much as we can.

I have to say that I am a little bummed, just because I was really looking forward to helping Jennifer do something better for her life. I really hope that by her staying in Austin she can make things work, but I'm worried that the same people will keep a hold on her and she won't be able to do what she wants/needs to for her and her son. She really is like a big sister to me, and I just want the best for her and Tristan. If that is in Austin then that's great.

I'm not mad at all. The plane tickets have been credited to us so we didn't lose any money, and the furniture we got rid of really needed to go anyways. I'm just glad I hadn't started throwing out Aiden's toys yet, although a few of them need to go just because they're gathering dust in his closet.

On another note, it feels like summer is in full swing down here in Florida. The sun is always shining, the heat it barely bearable, the humidity is oppressing, and the beach is the best place to be.

My business is finally starting to really kick-off here and I'm so excited. I love sharing Scentsy with people I know. If anyone in Florida is looking to host a party be sure to let me know! {Or I can always do an online party or a Skype party for anyone out of state}

Today was supposed to be our first pool day with some great friends that we've met here, but Aiden is apparently sick so that won't be happening today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

How have things been with you in the cyber world? I have gotten on here periodically to check up on other blogs, but I feel like I've been gone forever. Let me know if you're still out there and how you've been.

Runny Noses and Sleepovers

So I'm a day late, but I usually make a point not to blog on the weekends, so I'd like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the awesome mamas out there. I hope everyone had a great day.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Ethan had this whole sweet day planned out for me, which started off with homemade waffles from my new waffle maker (Aiden's gift) in bed. Then I was told to take a shower and do my hair and fully pamper myself. I had no idea what he had planned, but it was nice to be able to take 3 hours to get ready just because I wanted.

Ethan told me that we were going to go get professional family pictures done, something I've been wanting to do since Aiden was born, which explained why he took me shopping on Friday for a new dressy outfit.

All the week Aiden has been sick on and off, and apparently he started feeling a lot worse while I was getting ready. He was coughing and started running a low fever again, so Ethan and I decided that it wouldn't be such a good idea to take the Monster to do pictures or anything because we didn't want him to get someone else sick.

So what did we do instead? I asked Ethan to bring our mattress into the living room and the three of us piled on the bed and watched movies all day. Then Ethan made a spectacular dinner of crab legs, snap peas, mashed potatoes and garlic cheese biscuits. Oh man do I love a man who can cook!

Because Aiden wasn't feeling so hot, he had trouble falling asleep last night. So this cool mama decided that we would have a family sleepover in the living room. We all got in our pjs, grabbed our pillows, and cuddled up together to watch movies until everyone fell asleep. It was such a fun night. It brought me back to when I was little and my parents did the same thing with me and my brother.

Aiden was so excited that we were all together and that he wasn't in his room. He kept whispering and giggling to himself. It just made me smile. As frustrating as he can be at times, I love the age he's at right now. He finds such wonder in everyday things that we would consider minor. It's so interesting to see the world through his eyes.

I love that little boy so much. I wouldn't trade being his Mama ever. I can't imagine my life without him.



*Also don't forget to enter my giveaway. It ends Thursday at midnight!*

Teaching My Son A Lesson

This morning I took Aiden's temperature because he felt slightly warm. I knew he wasn't running a full blown temp or anything just because of how happy he's been today. Monster takes after me when he gets sick - he doesn't want to do anything and is a real brat until he starts to feel better. His temperature was normal so I told him that he wasn't sick and that he could go play some more.

Aiden decided to instead throw a huge fit for like 20 minutes because he wasn't sick and didn't have to go to the doctor. Ummmm really?? Who does that?! So today I decided that he is going to learn a lesson. For some reason he thinks that being sick is fun because I wait on him hand and foot. Today that's going to change (since he's obviously not sick at all).

I used to fake sick to try to stay home from school like I'm sure most people did when they were younger. On the rare days that my Mama actually did let me stay home she made it miserable for me. During school hours I had to stay in my room with no tv or anything else - just books and the occasional nap - and once school was out I was able to watch a movie or two before eating chicken broth for dinner while watching everyone else eat something homemade and delicious and then going to bed early.

My son is going to learn that pretending to be sick is not fun at all. He is only 3 so I'm obviously not sending him to his room until 4 in the afternoon, but he will not be playing at all today. We are going to have a movie marathon on the couch, laying down the whole time, in pjs *gasp* without toys. He will be having soup for lunch and then he will be taking or nap - or at least he'll be forced to lay down for an hour or so. When Daddy gets home he will not be allowed to play outside or go for our usual walk because sick kids don't get to do that. He will be having some sort of bland dinner and then he will be going to bed early. We'll just see if he likes pretending to be sick and throwing fits because he is fine. Silly Monster.


****It is now 8 pm and the Monster is in bed and *hopefully* going to sleep. I would just like to say that my little Mama experiment worked. When Ethan came home from school he asked Aiden if he liked being sick. Aiden said "No. It's no fun." He wasn't allowed to move from the couch (except to eat and go to the bathroom) all day and he was soooo bored by the time bedtime rolled around. Good to know that I'm doing something right every once and a while and who knew my Mama actually was right back in the day. Hopefully this little lesson early on will keep him from skipping school down the road instead of like me {57 unexcused absences in 1 school year....yeah...} Hmmmm I'm not counting on it....

An "Explosive" Easter

So this Easter was definitely one to put down in the books. I've never had an Easter go so....interestingly.

We started the morning off with Aiden waking up and finding that the Easter bunny brought him Roarbert - the Scentsy Buddy he has been asking for since I started selling Scentsy in February - and Megamind. We ate a wonderfully healthy breakfast of chocolate donuts with extra sprinkles before letting Monster discover that the Easter Bunny had also hidden a dozen brightly colored eggs around our yard. This was the first egg hunt where Aiden actually walked around mostly on his own and found the eggs by himself. The silly Easter Bunny hid a pink egg all the way up in the tree that he needed help with, but other than that he did great.

After a sugar-filled morning we decided to head out to the beach to relax for a while. Our friends that Ethan goes to school with, came out with us. They brought their adorable dog and Aiden was in love at first lick. Aiden has been slightly scared of the beach since we moved here, but once he saw Kaos running around in the water and playing to his heart's content, Aiden was soon following suit. He spent almost 2 hours straight just wading around in the water with Daddy and Kaos while I made sure that my pale skin soaked up as much sun as possible.

After the beach, our friends and us decided to combine our Easter dinners together. So after showers and all that we headed over to their house. We had just gotten the food started when Ethan and his friend went down to the garage to look around at stuff (the garage is underneath the actual house) when they told us that the police would be coming over soon, so don't freak out if we see them pull up.

Why would the police be coming to the house on Easter? Oh because the boys found a smoke grenade and a red phosphorus cluster flare randomly in the garage. It is a felony to have that sort of stuff in your possession so they called the police to let them know. About 15 minutes later it seemed like the entire emergency department was at their house. They evacuated us to a few houses down, and that is where we stayed for the next two hours until the EOD from Eglin AFB got there.

Aiden got to play in the back seat of a cop car, which he loved. He kept saying "Mama it's the po-po!"

While we were stuck outside our food was still inside cooking or waiting to be cooked. They wouldn't let us go back inside to turn the oven off so we were just all hoping that the ham wouldn't burn. After what seemed like forever EOD came and took the ordnance away and we were allowed back in the house.

By the time we got back inside, had all the food cooked, and sat down to eat it was already 10 pm. Poor Aiden was so tired he ate and then tried to fall asleep at the table. We still had fun, but next year we learned that if something like this ever happens again we eat first and then call the officials!

What Would You Take?

Ever since my family moved back to Texas after my parents' divorce we have lived in one neighborhood. We started off in a duplex right behind an Albertson's and a shopping center. It was perfect because my mom is legally blind and couldn't drive and we were in elementary school so my brother and I obviously couldn't drive either. After about 3 years my mom bought a house in the same neighborhood, but further from our duplex. My aunt lived in that neighborhood also.

On Sunday my neighborhood became victim to a wildfire. All over Facebook were statuses from friends I went to school with, some I've known since 4th grade, saying that they were being evacuated and their parents' houses were in danger of burning down. It was a huge fire. C-130s and military helicopters were dropping fire retardant and water over the area. My grandma told me it was a crazy sight to see. Ten homes were completely destroyed and another eleven or so were significantly damaged.

My old house didn't suffer any damage, but the house catty corner across the street was damaged by the fire. As of yesterday the fire was completely extinguished and the firefighters were pulling out of the area.

The start of the fire? They think it was a homeless person's campfire. Which is totally believable because when I was younger living in the duplex there was a homeless camp somewhere behind our duplex because they would jump the fence and fill up their water jugs with our water hose. It used to freak me out. My mom had to call the cops one time because my brother and his friend swore that they found a rifle back in the woods near one of their camps.

Ethan and I have thrown around the idea of getting a fire and waterproof safe to keep our important papers in and all that and this has made me think about it even more. So this is my question: minus the social security cards and all that stuff, what would you take? How do you decide what is the most important in your life?

Who Knew

There are times when I miss you.
I look back and wonder where we went wrong.
I remember all of the laughs.
At one time that's what kept me going.
How did things change so quickly?
There are days when I wonder what you're doing.
Sometimes I even wonder if you ever think of me.
I guess that's what happens when you lose someone so close to you.

"Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish that I could still call you a friend."

I don't miss the drama, but I do miss the talks.
I miss the wild girl who really did have a heart.
I don't miss the games, but I do miss the player.

Who knew.

ABCs of Lil Ol Me!

Okay so screw finishing writing that post about suicide and depression! I was all for it last night while I was crying and rehashing it all. I had every intention of sharing about literally the worst and lowest time in my life. I have made three attempts at writing that post, but I physically cannot put my thoughts and feelings into coherent words. It's like my mind just goes blank and my fingers forget how to fly over the keys like I am complimented on all the time. {I'm a very fast typer which is funny since I totally said screw the required keyboarding class in middle school.}All I can do is write up until a certain point and then I lose it. I just stare at the screen and will myself to finish, but I can't.

So I'm just not going to push it right now. I won't go into details. I had a brush with domestic violence, my husband had an affair, and if it weren't for the little boy snoring quietly in the next room I would not be here today. Aiden is literally the only reason I am sitting here today breathing, typing, and quietly singing along to Hit The Road Jack by the late and great Ray Charles.

I'm sorry for starting something I couldn't finish. I hate doing that, but at this time it's just not happening for me. Sometimes the mind just blocks out things that you can't handle at the moment, and I believe that is what's happening to me. I am depressed {and pretty good at hiding it} and I think that I am saving myself from a deeper darker depression.

Instead I have decided to switch from such a sad topic to something very easy for me to write about. Me. I've seen this on a few people's blogs and I decided to jump on the bandwagon. I love filling out surveys and questionnaires so it'll be something pretty easy for me.

A. Age: I am 21 years young, although there are some days when I fell about 30.

B. Bed size: A ghetto queen. When we lived in North Carolina we had an extra queen mattress that was Jennifer's bed. We had also acquired a futon right before we moved, so when we got to our new house there wasn't enough room in the house to fit the mattress somewhere and the futon so my husband convinced me to put both mattresses on our bed. So we have a box spring and two queen mattresses on top of the other. He told me when we climbed into bed the first time it reminded him of The Princess and the Pea.

C. Chore you dislike: Dishes. Oh my gosh I cannot stand doing the dishes. I do them because I can't really make Ethan do them for the rest of our lives...well I could but that's just mean. I don't like the idea of scraping old food and it's even worse when they have to be soaked. It grosses me out. That's why when Ethan is deployed I use very minimum dishes and I put them in the dishwasher right away...something we can never seem to do when he is home.

D. Dogs: We don't have one now, but I have decided that when we get to our next duty station we are getting a puppy. I have had one my entire life and if Ethan and I hadn't gotten separated and had that whole drama back in late 08/early 09 we would still have my beautiful chocolate lab. Aiden begs and cries for a dog every single time he gets to pet one, so he's gonna get one. If that means I have to wait until deployment then do be it. Sneaky? Yes. Do I care? No not really.

E. Essential start to your day: Lately it has been an allergy pill. My body and Florida haven't learned to play nice just yet.

F. Favorite color: I really really like black and pink paired together as one color, but not separately. It's like my signature with all my closest friends. And I also really like royal blue. It looks really pretty against my super pale skin.
H. Height: I am 5'2 and I have learned to deal with it. I have to ask for help to get pots down from our kitchen and we've had to invest in a large step ladder for those times when Ethan isn't around to help me reach for things.

J. Job title: I am a stay at home mama and a Lead Consultant for Scentsy. I love working for Scentsy because I don't have to give up staying at home with the Monster, and they have really awesomely addicting things.

K. Kids: I have one little man at the moment, Aiden aka Monster. He is a handful, and a bossy little one, but I wouldn't expect anything less seeing how Ethan and I were as kids. We're talking about trying for a mini monster as early as this summer, but we'll see.
L. Live: I live in Niceville, Florida and I absolutely love it. We've been here for about 3 weeks and I'm already asking Ethan to come back as an instructor after he finishes school. It is so beautiful.

M. Mom's name: Tamara but everyone calls her Tami.

N. Nicknames: Well it all depends on who you talk to. Ethan's nickname for me is Babydoll. My nephew and maybe eventually my niece calls me Lala. My  grandma called me Sugar Booger until I asked her to stop calling me that in public when I was like 14. My Mama has given me many nicknames over the years but the one she has stuck to all these years is Flat Head. Yeah awesome right? She got it from The Land Before Time when I was really little. "You've got a nice flat head, Flat Head."

O. Overnight hospital stays: I've only had two overnight stays so far. Obviously when I had Aiden back in 2008 and then once again when I had my breast reduction in 2010. I have to say that having to stay overnight for Aiden was much more fun than the yucky awesomeness of having draining tubes and all that coming out of my boobies.

P. Pet Peeves: I have a bunch but the ones that come to my mind first would be when drawers and cabinets are left open. There's just something about it that I can't stand and I will go throughout the house and close everything at least once a day. Also I can't stand it when the trash is taken out of the garbage can and whoever takes it out {*cough*my husband*cough*} doesn't replace the bag. Ugh it just irks me and he does it on purpose.

Q. Quote from a movie: "Better a silly girl with a flower, than a silly boy with a horse and a stick." My husband called me a silly girl last night as he was going to sleep and I replied to him with that quote. He gave me a puzzled look, which I am used to. I tend to be a confusing silly girl and I quote movies randomly a lot.

S. Siblings: I have one younger brother named Bryan. We hated each other when we were kids, but now we're cool. Apparently we don't look anything alike really, but I think I look a lot like him. And then I have 12 brothers and sisters in-law. Gary and Hannah, Amy and Nick, Ruthie and Daniel, Levi and Sara, Isaac, Faith, Caleb, and Seth. Family reunions are going to be crazy in the next few years.

T. Time you wake up: Whenever Aiden makes it impossible for me to sleep any longer.

U. Underwear: Oh man I am a panty junkie. Seriously I have an addiction. I can't pass by the panty aisle without getting at least one pair. I have boy shorts, briefs, thongs, g-strings of all colors. Lacy, see-through, cotton...I have it all. Ethan has learned to just not go past there at all costs. I scared him one time when I told him that my goal was to be able to fill an entire load of laundry with just my underwear.

V. Vegetables you don't like: I may be a vegetarian, but I can't eat raw tomatoes or onions. If they're cooked I can handle them, but the flavor of them raw makes me gag. I don't really like green beans either but I have learned to tolerate them because Ethan loves them. Oh the things we do for love.

W. What makes you run late: I truly believe it is in my genetics. My entire family runs late. Seriously. We even went as far as putting the time on our wedding invitations 30 minutes earlier than what when we told the officiant so that my family would all be there on time. Sad? Perhaps, but I have learned to deal. I have learned to manage my time wisely since I moved out of my mom's house and now if I'm not on time then I'm never more than 5 minutes late, which I can {and do} blame on Aiden.

X. X-rays you've had: I haven't had a x-ray before so far. Hopefully I'll never have to.

Y. Yummy food you make: I make really really yummy enchiladas. I'm a pizza queen. I make really good bierocks, cinnamon rolls, and cookies.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: I love black panthers and tigers. I also like elephants and I even got to ride on one at the circus when Aiden was a baby.

Reflections Of A Different Sort {Pt. 1 Long}

It's 11:09 at night. I've had a very busy weekend and Monday due to a bunch of different things all rolled into one. I sit down at the computer to read a few blogs from my Dashboard and the first thing I see is this post by Semper Gumby...the Return of Sunshine. I had no idea what she was talking about at first so I followed the link she posted, A Final Goodbye and I started reading. Then I started crying.

I don't know Jessica personally, but when you are shown tiny slivers of a person's life you feel that you know a part of them, even if it's just the part they want to be shown. I read people's blogs and I feel connected in a way that is really hard to explain, especially to people who don't blog. My husband does look at me strangely sometimes when I say "Oh yeah one of my friends...well a girl that I read her blog said...blah blah blah"

Suicide is a very touchy subject for me. I have seriously tried to commit suicide when I was younger, and the thought of killing myself still has found me even after becoming a wife and mother. Sometimes I just want the easy way out. Sometimes I would love not to feel anything anymore. Sometimes I would love to just float from the pain of this world to the bliss of heaven.

I am blogging about this because if there is someone out there reading this blog and feeling the same connectedness that I feel towards you when I read your blog, and you are depressed or thinking of suicide please know that you are not alone. I've been there as have many others I think.

I have never blogged about this before because it is very very personal stuff that hurts to rehash at times. I'm sure by the time I'm done writing I will have tears streaming down my cheeks and my neck. Either way I feel like this is the time to really show off a few of my demons if it means I could help someone else with theirs.

********

I was a pretty wild child in my early teen years. My mom is blind and I took advantage of that and the fact that she owned a restaurant and was gone all the time. I'm not sure if she saw the signs and chose not to see them because I was her baby girl, or if I was just really good at hiding my thoughts and feelings. Either way when I was 12 years old I was "dating" older guys. I mean really older. One of my boyfriends was 21. He thought I was 16, but still. Twenty one years old. That is a 9 year difference. That is child abuse. I look back on it now and I am so lucky that nothing happened. I was so stupid!

Anyways during the summer before I started 8th grade I met a guy online. Honestly it's been so long that I can't remember if we met through a mutual friend or if we met in a chat room. He was 3 years older than me and was going to the high school that my cousin went to and that I would eventually go to. We'll call him Ryan. Ryan and I talked on the phone all the time and we became pretty close. We went to the mall together once or twice and just had a normal "dating" relationship that you have in those awkward years before you really understand what dating really is.

Things were great for the first month or so before he started getting very...different. Small things I would do or say would make him mad. Eventually he wanted to have sex which I turned down. Obviously I was too young and I wasn't ready. He started running me down, telling me that I was worthless and that I couldn't get anyone better than him and blah blah blah. All of it was nonsense but when you have abuse issues to begin with and then you listen to horrible things over and over again you start to believe them eventually. I don't remember the exact date anymore {something about getting older and mommy brain has kicked my butt} but one night while my mom was at work and my brother was with his friends....I just decided to give up. I didn't want to live with myself and the things that Ryan had told me that I now believed. I wrote a crappy suicide letter and I used a kitchen butcher knife to cut my wrist. I didn't cut very deep because I had no idea what I was doing, but I realized something as I laid the blade against my other wrist. I didn't want to die, I just didn't know what else to do.

Oh my gosh I broke down and cried and cried and cried. What had I been thinking? How could I let some boy bring me down to such a level to where I couldn't even stand the thought of living one more day. How did I turn from such a happy (although slightly slutty) young lady to this sad, depressed, quiet girl that I had become?

And the sad thing is that this happens all the time! When I was in 8th grade (like 7 months after I cut my wrist) one of my classmates, Stephanie, killed herself. A little over a year later my mom's friend's daughter swallowed a whole big bottle of Advil. Even worse is that she regretted it, but told someone too late and she was gone.

During my high school years I became a cutter. I didn't cut all the time, but when things got bad at home or at school I cut myself. Sometimes I would use a knife, sometimes I would scratch myself over and over again with a paper clip until I made myself bleed. It was a horrible way to release some of the pain I felt inside. It was like I had to physically feel the pain that I couldn't express.

Ethan is what saved me during those days. He would see me with a jacket on during the summer or sometimes I wouldn't even bother to hide the marks on my wrists, and he would get so upset. He'd beg me not to hurt myself, to just call him whenever I felt like doing it just so that he could distract me and make me smile again. He was my guardian angel.

******
I have to stop myself here because I am trying to put my other ordeal into words and instead I'm just sitting in the living room crying my eyes out at 12:17 in the morning. Ethan has school in the morning and Aiden will be waking up early since he went to bed early. Plus I have a date with fellow blogger Jennifer at  The Adventures of Team Roberts. She's going to show me around the new base and all that good stuff so I'm pretty excited. {And I just accidentally deleted over half of the part 2 post I couldn't write because of the tears when I copied that link....awesome.}  Yeap it's definitely time for bed!

Goodnight everyone and please keep Jessica and anyone else you know of that is coping with depression in your prayers.

Iterrupting My Normal Blogging For A Quick Word...

As I have blogged before, I am a Lead Consultant for Scentsy. April has a few really great things going on with Scentsy so I just thought I would share a few things real quick. Easter is coming up so I have decided to do a promotion for one of my favorite Scentsy products, the Scentsy Buddy. From now until April 16th, all Scentsy Buddies are 15% off when you order through me. The Buddies make a great Easter basket gift for a special little one in your family. Kid tested, nose approved!

Scentsy Buddies are soft, adorable, cuddly stuffed animals that have a zippered pocket in the back that holds an awesome smelling, non-toxic Scentsy Scent Pak. You just put the Pak in the back, zip it up, and the Buddy spreads the aroma through out the room your child is in.

There are 6 different animals to choose from, a frog, a lion, a monkey, an elephant, a lamb, and a pig. Aiden really loves Roarbert The Lion, while I'm not-so secretly asking for Ollie The Elephant. The Scent Paks come in 30 great fragrances so there is a little something for everyone.

This is a special offer that you can't find through my website so if you're interested in this offer shoot me an e-mail and we can get in touch.

Also, April is Autism Awareness Month. Every 6 months Scentsy has a special warmer made for a charitable cause. For this year's Spring/Summer catalog we are featuring Piece By Piece. 100% of the net proceeds go to the Autism Speaks organization. It is a really beautiful warmer for a really awesome cause. I personally have this one and I absolutely love it.

And last, but not least...Every month we have a warmer and scent of the month. For April that would be Baby's Breath which to me is really light, airy and springy. The scent of the month, Flutter, smells really really good. I ordered a bar for my house. "Delicate orange blossoms and whipped almond cream float above a bed of bright lemon verbena."

Feel free to check out my website https://leshrader.scentsy.us/ and also if you have a Facebook you can add my Scentsy FB as well Lauren LovintheWickless Shrader. Hope to hear from you!

Stylish Blogger Award

I got this award a few days ago but wasn't really in the mood to blog about it so I just wanted to say thank you to Megan!

Here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person that has given you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 10-15 blogs you feel deserve the award.
4. Contact these bloggers and let them know about the award.

So again thank you Megan. This is something nice to write after my depression post. See? I'm working on myself already :-)

So these 7 things about me....

1. I love making up vegetarian recipes...even when they don't turn out so good.
2. I want to be pregnant again.
3. I love driving with the windows rolled down and the music turned up.
4. I am addicted to sweets.
5. Instead of deleting pictures off of memory cards, I just buy new ones. I have like 6 or 7 full memory cards saved in my dresser.
6. I am a huge Disney fanatic. I still have almost all of the classics on VHS.
7. I love getting mail. I mean I don't really care about bills, but I love getting letters and postcards from family.

And now I pass this award on to 10-15 stylish bloggers as well. Well if you've already gotten this from someone else humor me because I've never gotten it before. :-)

1. Emily @ Writings Of An Air Force Wife
2. Amy @ ...And The Adventure Continues
3. Elizabeth @ The Young Retiree
4. Nicole @ Flip Flops And Combat Boots
5. Taryn @ Maine-ly Taryn
6. Poekitten @ Many Waters
7. Kaylee @ Moore Than A Mrs.
8. Kara @ SAHM And Marine Wife
9. Samantha @ She's Not Broken, She's Just A Baby
10. Jennifer @ The Adventures Of Team Roberts
11. Kara @ The Ramblings Of A Marine Wife
12. Beckie @ Turn For The Nurse
13. Lydia @ withlovelydia

My Dark Passenger

Okay so maybe I've been watching Dexter too much with that title, but oh well.

I, from time to time, struggle with depression. I have ever since I was 9 and my parents moved me halfway across the country and took me away from everything I had ever known because of a divorce and my Daddy turning out to be gay. I have learned to deal with it on my own, but there are some times when I just feel so lost.

I feel like I am hiding inside myself, protecting myself from something. I'm in this depression funk right now and it really sucks. I'm not really sure what triggered it, but it is kicking my butt. I feel myself closing down, and I can't afford for that to happen.

To add to that, our house has decided to just stop working for some reason. The air conditioner broke early last week. We've had 4 different companies come to house to give an estimate, but none of them have actually fixed the damn thing. Lucky for us that it hasn't gotten very hot and humid here yet so having just ceiling fans and open windows has kept us cool for the most part. Someone is supposed to be calling me today with a time when they'll be here, but we'll see how that works.

The refrigerator had a meltdown on Thursday and flooded our kitchen which caused water damage to the floor. To stop the fridge from flooding we had to move it out into the middle of the kitchen to shut off the water. Because we did that, the cheap laminate flooring in the kitchen ripped where the fridge moved across the floor.

The fridge was fixed on Friday, but something was wrong Saturday morning because the refrigerator was actually hot. All of our food that we had just bought Friday after getting a brand "new" fridge was spoilt. Someone came out to look at the floor, but they haven't figured out when they're going to actually do it.

It's just been very stressful the past week which just makes my depression worse. Ethan and I had a long talk this weekend where I let it all out. I literally just cried for almost an hour. I don't know what happened with those tears, but ever since then I haven't felt as bad. I mean yes the sadness is still there, but it's much more manageable than it was last week. I'm hoping this is an omen for good times coming our way. I feel like I need a break from life. Maybe just a nice weekend on the beach with nothing but music and a good book would work for me.

I'm trying to work on my insides so that my outsides can show something other than sadness. I need to smile more. I need to sing like I used to. I need to work out and eat right. I truly believe that happy girls are pretty girls so this girl needs to get happy!

Settling In A Little At A Time

Hi there!

As you can tell I am finally back in the blogging world. We have the internet turned on in our house so I can get back to letting out my insanity in a productive way.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of excitment and drama. The rollercoaster hasn't stopped yet, but we are done with the crazy corkscrew loops {I hope} and we can just chill with a fast paced straight away for a bit.

Okay let me just say that it doesn't matter if you are doing the moving yourself or if someone else does it for you....it's all stressful. I have so many things I could say about this experience, but I'm going to try to keep this post upbeat. It's my first one in a while and I don't want to scare you off too quickly.

I could tell you how somehow a 12 hour drive from North Carolina to Florida turned into a 15 hour affair. How we got in at 4 am and Monster decided that was his time to wake up for the day and try to escape from the hotel room more than once...but that is too awful to relive.

I could tell you how insane we were to think that we could drive 15 hours, sign our lease and move in to our house, get things at least halfway unpacked, and then drive another 13 1/2 hours from Florida to Texas...but that's not pleasant.

I could tell you about how none of my family can get along so we had to drive all over to make sure everyone got to see us...but I won't rehash that crap.

I could tell you how we got stranded in Gulfport, MS with a bad car battery and we had to stay the night with two ansty toddlers who just wanted to go see Aiden's new house...but that's for another day when I have more time.

What I will say is that I have had an adventure I won't soon forget. Aiden is now a three year old ferocious boy. He had a really awesome Dinosaur Train birthday party with family and friends to celebrate. We got to see some old friends that I am so glad I could reconnect with. Ethan's family is so supportive of my new business and even hosted a Scentsy party for me while we were home. I got to eat some delicious Mexican food (my fave) and see some pretty great movies.

What I will say is that unpacking seems so counter productive while you are doing it. Boxes are everywhere and there isn't a place for everything yet which drives me crazy, but it is getting better.
I will also say that moving is expensive! I mean holy stinking cow. This is mine and Ethan's first move where our parents didn't like completely help us out and make sure we had EVERYTHING we would need for a new house and more.We spent over $400 at Walmart yesterday getting food and other necessities. WHAT?! I almost had a heart attack at the register after I let out a gasp and a few choice words. The worst part? We still need more crap!

What I will say is that I absolutely love our house. It is so much cuter in person than even in pictures. It is closer than we thought to the EOD school...I mean Ethan can ride his bike if he chooses it's that close. The neighborhood is nice and quiet. We even had a neighbor come over with a plate of brownies for us!

Oh and what I will definitely say is that Atlantic Beach, NC has NOTHING on Destin, Florida. Oh. My. GOD! It is sooo beautiful. The sand is like walking on a perfect blend of sugar, salt, and powdered sugar. It is white and soft and it makes your feet feel awesome. The water is green and blue and turquoise. When you walk into the ocean there is no gritty feeling that you get with corse sand. It flows against your skin and wraps your body with it's silkiness. I have truly found love at first sight. I am going to be a beach bunny this year.



**Also be on the look out for a Scentsy giveaway coming up! Don't know what Scentsy is? Check out my website to get addicted like me :-)  **

Things have been hectic since we've been back home. I haven't had as much time to myself as I thought I would. Hopefully this weekend I can find more time to write because I need and escape, and that is what this blog is for me.

I just wanted to take a minute to say I hope all my blog friends that I read in Japan and Hawaii are staying safe during these disasters and that I am praying for everyone being effected.

I'll Be Back

The movers should be here soon to pack up almost everything in the house. We are also turning off the cable and internet today so that means that I will be MIA for a few days. I haven't completely figured out my new phone yet so we'll see if I can blog from there but....I don't count on it.

We'll be cleaning and getting the house ready for inspection on Thursday morning. After that we leave straight for Florida. It's a 13 hour drive, which should be a piece of cake after the 4 years of driving 27+ hours straight to Austin.

Once we get all of the utilities turned on and the movers deliver our stuff on Friday, we will be leaving straight to Austin Texas for a little bit before Ethan has to start EOD school. Aiden's birthday is next Tuesday so we'll be having a birthday party for him back home with our family since we haven't met anyone in Niceville yet. He's pretty excited.

And then Jennifer and Tristan will be coming back to Florida with us to stay for a while. Not sure how long yet, but I'm gonna guess a month or so.

So I will be trying to keep up with everyone while I'm gone, and hopefully next week I'll be able to blog about the move and all that fun stuff.

Things I'll Miss

I have been saying for months that I can't wait to get out of here. There are a lot of bad things that happened at Cherry Point that I'm going to love to not be reminded of every other day by a familiar name or mention of a memory. I'm going to love to not have to face another drama-filled weekends with IPAC Marines that I don't like or respect. I'm going to love not having to drive 27+ hours just to see our family. There are just so many things that I can't wait for once we are gone, but last night {after a few drinks with my Boo} I realized that there are things I'm really going to miss about North Carolina...even just Havelock...

This is where Ethan and I started out. This was our first home together, the place we learned to be a family. We built our marriage here. Twice.


what an awkward angle for my pinky..

 This is the only home that Aiden has ever known. He was born in New Bern, North Carolina on March 8, 2008. The doctors and nurses at Craven Regional Medical Center kept him alive. We brought him home 2 days later, and except for a move to a different part of the same neighborhood, he has never lived anywhere else.


he had complications when he was born...


I'm going to miss the beer pong nights. Since we have a kid, we don't get to go out to bars and clubs all the time like our kid-free friends. Instead we take part in a great old pastime....beer pong and king's cup. It's a great time for us to let loose and have fun, while not having to worry about finding a DD or paying for a cab to take us home when we get a little too inebriated. Obviously when we play at our house we just go to bed, and when we play at the Gonzo's we just walk a block home. No big deal at all.

Our friends are here. Yes this is the military and we all move around a lot and we're not even the first of our friends to go, but there is just something about you being the one to say goodbye that just sucks. From the people who are left in NC with us, I'm especially going to miss the Gonzos. Kris and I have been through a lot together, and over the past 6 or 7 months we've gotten really close. Our sons love each other {although they beat each other up all the time} and honestly I don't know what I'm going to do the first time Aiden asks cries and throws a fit because he can't go play with Damian. I'm going to miss the twins growing up from squishy little babies to little people with their own personalities. I need to stop...I'm gonna cry before it's even time to say goodbye....

Aiden and Damian...the destruct-o boys

And I'm going to miss Skip Waters, the weather man. He's my favorite.  

I'm Going To Pull My Hair Out...But At Least It'll Smell Good While It Happens

So I feel like I haven't blogged in FOREVER, even though in reality it has only been a few days. Today post will just end up being a ramble of what has been going on lately because I for once have a few minutes to myself to actually put things down on paper...um well figuratively.

Things have been going so quickly with the move coming up in 1 week! Now that we're getting down to the wire it doesn't even feel like we're really moving. I'm just waiting for "Oh just kidding" like last time we did this. I hate to admit it, but I'm actually going to miss this place.

I have reached my first goal for myself since signing up for Scentsy. I have recruited another Consultant and I have earned over $600 within 15 days of signing my contract. I am super stoked about it, and this proves to myself that I really can do this. I also got my first party order from UPS last night and I have sorted through everything, and have it all ready to be delivered this afternoon when everyone gets off work. I can't wait to move to Florida so that I can share these awesome products with other people. If you're interested in Scensty, or just want to find out what it is, check out my Scentsy website.

Aiden has gotten to the stage where he wants nothing to do with his parents. I thought that started when kids turn 14, but no it has begun with my 2 year old. He doesn't want help doing almost anything, unless it comes to taking his shirt off. The boy just can't figure out which way to pull his arm out and then he gets all tangled and before you know it Mama help me! can be heard all through the house. His favorite thing to do is play alone in his room with an occasional movie and the door closed. What?? When we first moved into this house a year and a half ago he was petrified of his room. He would literally scream bloody murder if I so much as walked into the doorway with him.

I also made the mistake of telling Aiden that we are moving very soon. He now tells me at least 3 times a day, "I have to go to my new house. I need to go to the beach." Yeah it was super cute the first few times, but now...I just regret telling him. He tells everyone he talks to that people are going to come to take his stuff away and put it in a truck and then we'll go to his new house.

Now that we have told everyone at home I can share the happy news...WE ARE GOING BACK HOME IN 2 WEEKS!! Can you tell I'm just a little bit excited?? Oh were you expecting some other type of news? Yeah we can't start trying for that type of good news that involves bundles of pink or blue, until we figure out what is going on medically with me. So from the way things have been going....that won't be for a while. :-(

I went to the doctor for the 3rd time since January and because we are leaving in a week he has decided not to help me. He was going to write me a prescription for some more bitch pills as I fondly call them, also known as Provera, and he wanted to schedule me for an ultrasound. I told him that was fine, but that it would have to be done before we leave. He looks at his nurse, looks back at me and says that I should just go to the hospital down at Eglin AFB then. He shook my hand, said good luck, and walked out. Are you fucking serious?! Oh man once again I came home pissed as hell at the stupid doctor, all the while still not knowing what the heck is going on with my body. All the labs came back normal so no thyroid problem or brain tumor, and obviously no pregnancy...great.

So yeah that's what's been going on lately. I could write and write and write, but then I'd have nothing to write about tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to this move being over so that life can get back to normal. Our days in North Carolina are numbered...8 more days to sunshine and beaches!!

Happy Valentine's Day

These photos were taken last year while Ethan was deployed, but they're too cute not to share! I love themed photo shoots.



Hold on Mama, I gotta fix my hair.



These are my valentine's this year ♥



Monster dressed himself...

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!

I'm A Business Woman

This month Ethan signed me up to be a Scentsy Consultant. I have been a regular Scentsy buyer for over a year, and I know a lot about the product, and I love it. There are so many wonderful things about Scentsy. With the move to Florida coming up, Ethan saw Scentsy as a way for me to come out of my shyness shell, branch out, and meet new people. I think it is the best thing he has ever done for me.

When we moved to North Carolina I didn't get a job at first. I was young and dumb and a (not so) tiny bit lazy. I had had a job since I was 15 years old when I dropped out of school. I wanted to take a break from work while I had the opportunity. Three months after moving here, I got pregnant and didn't see the point in getting a job when I would quit once it became uncomfortable to work anyways. Ethan and I had decided that I would stay home with Aiden until he starts school.

There have been times since then where I have felt like a bum just staying at home all day with a kid. Now don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not a bum, nor is anyone else who stays at home with their kids. It is a job all in it's own where there is no break. You are a chef, nurse, counsellor, chauffeur, maid, parent, and friend all in one. But going from working 40 hours a week since the age of 15 to not working at all...I just miss working, but I wouldn't give up the wonderful hours I have alone with my son each day to teach him new things and see the world through his innocent eyes. It really is a very special thing to be a stay at home parent.

With Scentsy, I work from home so it truly is the best of both worlds. The only time I actually go to work is to go to a party. How cool is that?? Who else gets to say that they go to parties and they just make money?

Yesterday I had my first Scentsy party. It was so much fun! I was really nervous at first, but I pushed through and did a great job. It feels so liberating knowing that I am in charge of my business and that I have the potential to bring in extra money, which is always a plus. After I saw how easy it was to make money with this business I am just so pumped. I want to just share this amazing product and company with everyone.

Just since yesterday I feel more confident in myself. I have always felt that I don't fit in here, and that I'm just floating around not really doing anything, but just being here. Now I feel like I am contributing to our family while not giving up my belief in staying home with my son. I am just so happy that I have an amazing husband who supports me and believes in me. It really is an amazing feeling.

We Have A House!

We officially have a house when we get to Niceville!! I am so excited. It is half a mile from EOD school and within walking distance of a lot of places for Aiden and I to go to during the day while Ethan is gone. It's even close enough to where Ethan can ride his bike on nice days so that Aiden and I can have the car.

It's has two bedrooms and two baths, a play room, and a fireplace! My favorite part of the house is the kitchen. It is big {at least bigger than our kitchen now} and it has the laundry closet in there. I love the yellow paint and the color of the appliances. To me it looks so cheery. We'll only be there for like 8 months, but there are so many things I can see myself decorating to make it homey. 

I'm just happy that we have somewhere to call home that meets our needs really well. It is a decent price and a decent size and we like the neighborhood and the area around. So yay!!

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is not a joke. It happens everywhere and most of the time it is never reported. Although it happens more often to women, men can also be victims of domestic violence. I have friends who have dealt with this issue, and I have experienced it myself.

When I was younger, before I started dating Ethan, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. This guy {we'll call him Freddy} was a freshman in high school and I was in the 7th grade. Yes I was way too young to be "seeing" someone with that much of an age difference, but when you're young you think you know everything. Sadly, Mama had no clue until things got really bad. She had an idea that something wasn't right, but she didn't know what exactly.

Freddy and I had a few mutual friends, but we mostly talked on the phone and online. That's what a relationship is when you're that young, mostly though the phone and internet with maybe a few "dates" at the mall with a bunch of friends or something. Nothing too serious, and nothing to really account for a relationship at all. Even with the small amount of contact that we had he still found a way to make me feel horrible. If I had fun with my friends he would make me feel guilty for it. After a while he started telling me that I was lucky to have him because I couldn't get anyone else. He would put me down, he emotionally abused me, made me feel like I was nothing. He put his hands on me once, but I never told anyone for a while.

This went on for about 4 or 5 months. I just became more and more quiet. I kept to myself. I didn't have as much fun as I used to. I wasn't me and I was so unhappy. After listening to Freddy tell me these horrible things about myself I began to believe him. I thought that I was this ugly, disgusting person, who needed a man to take care of me and tell me what to do. At twelve years old. How pathetic is that?

It got really really bad before it got better, but it did get better. Only after an incident that could have ended my life, did I see what I was doing. I couldn't stand to be the person I had become and I knew that I had to change that. I had to get rid of Freddy and relearn how to be a normal, happy girl again.

Eventually I went back to normal. Every time I hear someone with Freddy's name I think about how stupid and young I was. How I should have told someone what was going on. I still have issue with my body that I think has stemmed from this incident and from a few other things that has happened over the years, but I am stronger because of what I went through.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence don't keep quiet. Don't try to deal with it on your own. Let someone in and get help.

• One in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.

A friend of mine posted this question the other day and I was surprised with the people's opinion. Now I'm curious for your opinion.

A girl is backed into a corner with her son crying, shaking and clinging to her legs, and her spouse is in her face screaming and cussing at her. She is scared and angry that he is scaring their son. She feels trapped. She doesn't know what to do and her body just reacts by slapping him as a way to get him to snap back to reality and to stop yelling for the sake of their child. Is it alright for her son's father to slap her back? Not only slap her back, but hard enough for it to leave a mark hours after he leaves? Did she deserve it?